Relationships are heavy right now. I don't mean the "we need to talk" kind of heavy, though that’s always lurking. I mean the cultural weight of optimization. We live in an era where we’re told to "curate" our circles and "audit" our energy like we’re balancing a corporate spreadsheet. But somewhere between the boundary-setting TikToks and the hyper-individualism of modern dating, we lost the plot on grit. We forgot how to love a little stronger when things aren't perfectly aligned with our personal brand.
It's messy. Honestly, it’s supposed to be.
If you look at the research coming out of places like The Gottman Institute, they’ve spent decades watching couples in "The Love Lab." One of the most striking things Dr. John Gottman found wasn't that happy couples don't fight. It’s that they know how to repair. To love a little stronger isn't about the absence of friction; it’s about the presence of active, sometimes exhausting, intentionality. It is the choice to lean in when every instinct tells you to scroll on your phone or "protect your peace" by disengaging.
Peace is great. But connection requires a bit of chaos.
The Myth of the Low-Maintenance Relationship
We’ve been sold this lie that the right relationship will be easy. "If it’s meant to be, it’ll flow." That’s nonsense.
Anything worth keeping requires maintenance. You wouldn't buy a vintage Porsche and expect it to run forever without changing the oil, right? Why do we treat our partners and friends like they’re supposed to be self-sustaining entities that never require us to get our hands dirty?
To love a little stronger, you have to accept that people are inconvenient. They get sick at the wrong time. They have bad moods that last for three days because of a work thing they can't quite articulate. They repeat the same stories. If you’re only there for the "flow," you aren't loving; you’re consuming.
Real depth comes from the friction.
Think about the concept of "bids" for connection. In Gottman’s research, a "bid" is any attempt from one person to get attention, affirmation, or affection. It could be as simple as saying, "Hey, look at that bird outside." If the other person turns toward them, the relationship strengthens. If they ignore them or stay buried in their laptop, the bond weakens. Loving stronger is simply turning toward those bids more often than not. It sounds small. It feels massive over ten years.
Why Vulnerability Is Actually a Skill Issue
Most people think they’re vulnerable because they shared a "story" once.
That’s not it.
Real vulnerability is the terrifying act of being uncurated. It’s letting someone see the version of you that hasn't been processed through a filter or a therapy-speak script. Dr. Brené Brown has spent her career talking about this, and the core takeaway is always the same: you cannot have courage without vulnerability.
If you want to love a little stronger, you have to stop being so "handled."
I’ve seen people go through entire breakups where they never actually told the other person what they were afraid of. They just cited "incompatibility." That’s a shield. It’s safe. It’s also incredibly lonely. To love with strength is to say, "I am incredibly insecure about this specific thing, and I need you to be gentle with me right now." That’s a power move. It’s also the only way to build a foundation that won't crumble when the "vibes" aren't perfect.
The Problem With "Total Autonomy"
We are currently obsessed with the idea that we shouldn't need anyone. "I’m my own soulmate." "I’m a complete person on my own."
Sure. Fine.
But humans are biologically wired for interdependence. The Harvard Study of Adult Development—the longest-running study on happiness in history—has one clear, undeniable conclusion: good relationships keep us happier and healthier. Period. They found that social connection is literally a physical protector of our brains and bodies.
When you decide to love a little stronger, you are pushing back against the modern urge to be an island. You’re admitting that you need people. And that’s scary because people can leave. They can change. They can let you down. But the alternative is a sterile, safe life that lacks the very thing that makes being alive worth the effort.
Practical Ways to Show Up
- Practice "Active Constructive Responding." When someone shares good news, don't just say "cool." Ask questions. Relive the excitement with them. This is often more important for long-term stability than how you handle the bad news.
- Stop the "Tit-for-Tat" Accounting. If you’re keeping a mental tally of who did the dishes or who initiated text conversations last, you’re in a transaction, not a relationship. To love a little stronger, you have to be willing to be the one who gives more for a season.
- The 20-Minute Rule. Spend twenty minutes a day talking about something other than logistics. No kids, no bills, no house repairs. Just talk. Like you did when you first met.
- Micro-Validation. Use the phrase "I see why you feel that way" even when you think they’re being a bit dramatic. Validation isn't agreement; it’s acknowledgment.
Navigating the "I’m Too Tired" Era
Burnout is the primary enemy of intimacy.
It’s hard to love a little stronger when you’ve spent eight hours staring at a screen and another two hours commuting or dealing with domestic chaos. We give our best energy to our employers and our leftover, scrap energy to the people we claim to love most.
It’s a recipe for resentment.
We have to start treating our relationships as the primary source of our energy, not the drain on it. This requires a radical shift in how we view "rest." Scrolling TikTok isn't rest; it’s numbing. Resting with someone—sitting on the porch, taking a walk without phones, even just cooking a meal together in silence—is restorative.
The Reality of Forgiveness
You can’t love stronger if you’re carrying a backpack full of old grudges.
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Forgiveness is often misunderstood as letting someone off the hook. It’s actually about letting yourself off the hook from carrying the weight of the anger. In long-term partnerships or deep friendships, you will be hurt. You will hurt them.
If you want the relationship to last, you have to develop a high capacity for "quick repair." Don't let the sun go down on your anger? Maybe. But more importantly, don't let the silence become the default setting. The longer you wait to bridge the gap after an argument, the wider the gap becomes.
Actionable Steps for Today
- The "Turn Toward" Challenge: For the next 24 hours, make a conscious effort to acknowledge every single bid for attention your partner or close friend makes. Put the phone down. Look them in the eyes. Even if it’s just for five seconds.
- Specific Appreciation: Tell someone one specific thing they did this week that made your life easier or better. Not "you’re great," but "I really appreciated how you handled that annoying call yesterday so I could finish my work."
- The Uncomfortable Question: Ask your person, "What is one thing I could do this week to make you feel more supported?" And then—this is the key—actually do it without complaining.
- Audit Your Language: Notice how often you use "I" versus "We." Shifting your internal narrative toward a partnership mentality can subconsciously change how you react to stressors.
Loving a little stronger isn't a one-time event. It’s not a grand gesture or a vacation to the Maldives. It’s the quiet, repetitive, often boring work of choosing someone over and over again, especially when they’re being difficult. It’s choosing the human over the ego. It’s acknowledging that we are all a bit broken and that the beauty is in the mending, not the perfection.
Start small. Turn toward them. Listen. Stay in the room when it gets uncomfortable. That is how the strongest bonds are actually forged. Through the heat, not the ease.