You’re probably not who you think you are. Honestly, that’s not a jab; it’s just how the human brain is wired to function. We spend decades living inside our own heads, yet research suggests we are remarkably bad at predicting our own behavior or understanding our deepest motivations. You’ve likely had that moment where you snapped at a partner or made a weird impulse buy and then sat there wondering, why did I just do that? That’s the gap. That’s the space where the journey of how to know ourselves actually begins. It isn't about some "aha!" moment under a waterfall. It’s a messy, often uncomfortable process of looking at the data of our lives rather than the stories we tell ourselves.
Most of us rely on introspection. We sit in a quiet room and try to "find" ourselves. But Tasha Eurich, an organizational psychologist who conducted a massive five-year study on the subject, found something startling: people who introspect more are actually less self-aware. They have higher levels of anxiety and are less satisfied with their lives. Why? Because we usually ask ourselves "why" questions. Why am I so stressed? Why did I fail? The brain is great at inventing plausible-sounding lies to answer those questions. To really get it right, we have to pivot from the "why" to the "what."
The Mirror and the Mask: Why Identity is Tricky
We like to think of our personality as a solid block of granite. It’s not. It’s more like a river. It changes based on who is watching. The person you are at Thanksgiving dinner with your parents is fundamentally a different version of you than the one who leads a board meeting or goes out for drinks with friends.
Social psychologist Mark Snyder explored this through the concept of "self-monitoring." Some people are high self-monitors; they are social chameleons who constantly adapt to their environment. Others are low self-monitors, staying consistent regardless of the room they are in. Neither is inherently "better," but knowing where you fall on that spectrum is a massive part of how to know ourselves. If you don't know you're a chameleon, you might wake up one day feeling like a fraud because you’ve spent so much time mirroring others that you forgot what your original "color" was.
It’s also worth looking at the "Johari Window." This is a psychological tool created by Joseph Luft and Harrington Ingham. It breaks our self-knowledge into four quadrants:
- The Open Area (What you and others know).
- The Blind Spot (What others see, but you don't).
- The Hidden Area (What you know, but keep secret).
- The Unknown (The stuff nobody knows yet).
The blind spot is the most dangerous. You might think you're a "blunt, honest truth-teller," while everyone else sees you as "unnecessarily mean." You can't see your own face without a mirror, and you can’t see your own personality flaws without external feedback. This is why self-awareness is actually a team sport. You need "loving critics"—people who want the best for you but aren't afraid to tell you that you’re being a jerk.
Your Brain is a Master Storyteller (And a Liar)
The left hemisphere of your brain contains what neuroscientists call "The Interpreter." Its sole job is to make sense of the world, even if it has to make stuff up. In famous "split-brain" studies by Michael Gazzaniga, researchers showed that if the right brain was given an instruction to walk, and the left brain (the verbal side) was asked why the person was walking, it wouldn't say "I don't know." It would instantly invent a reason, like "I’m going to get a Coke."
We do this every single day.
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We explain away our failures as "bad luck" while attributing our successes to "hard work." This is the fundamental attribution error. When we talk about how to know ourselves, we have to start by doubting our own internal narrator. That voice in your head? It’s a PR agent. It’s trying to keep your ego intact.
To bypass the PR agent, you have to look at your "shadow side." Carl Jung, the Swiss psychiatrist, emphasized that everyone carries a shadow. The less it is embodied in the individual’s conscious life, the blacker and denser it is. Your shadow contains all the parts of yourself you’ve rejected—your envy, your aggression, your "shameful" desires. If you don't acknowledge that you are capable of being a villain, you’ll never be a truly good person. You’ll just be a person who is currently behaving because the circumstances are easy.
How to Know Ourselves Through the "What" Filter
Earlier, I mentioned that asking "why" is a trap. If you ask "Why do I hate my job?" your brain will find a hundred reasons: the boss is mean, the commute is long, the coffee is bad. But this doesn't lead to growth.
Instead, ask: "What are the situations where I feel most drained?"
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This is data-driven. You might notice that it’s not the job itself, but specifically the three hours of solitary data entry. That tells you something real about your temperament. You’re likely someone who needs social stimulation to stay energized.
Another weirdly effective way to learn about yourself is to look at what you envy in others. Envy is a map. We don't envy things we don't actually want. I don't envy world-class marathon runners because I have zero desire to run 26 miles. But I might envy someone who just published a novel. That envy is a screaming signal that I value creative output and recognition. Instead of feeling guilty about the envy, use it as a compass.
Practical Data Points for Self-Discovery
- The Credit Card Test: Don't look at what you say you value. Look at your bank statement. If you say you value health but spend $200 a month on takeout and $0 on a gym or fresh produce, your "stated value" is a lie. Your "operating value" is convenience.
- The Physicality of Emotion: Your body usually knows how you feel before your brain does. Do your shoulders tighten when a certain person calls? Does your stomach drop before you enter a specific building? Pay attention to the somatic signals.
- The "Three Words" Exercise: Ask five friends to describe you in three words. Don't argue. Don't explain. Just collect the words. If three different people use the word "intense" and you thought you were "laid back," you have found a blind spot.
The Role of Genetics and Biology
We like to think we are blank slates, but we aren't. About 40% to 50% of our personality traits are heritable. This is based on decades of twin studies, most notably from the Minnesota Twin Family Study.
If you are naturally high in neuroticism (a tendency to experience negative emotions), no amount of "positive thinking" will turn you into a naturally bubbly person. And that's fine. Knowing your biological baseline is a huge relief. It stops you from trying to fix things that aren't broken, but are just... you.
For instance, if you’re an introvert, you don't need to "fix" your shyness. You just need to realize that your "battery" charges in solitude. Trying to live like an extrovert is like trying to run a gas car on electricity. It’s not going to work, and you’re going to end up stranded on the side of the road.
Radical Honesty and the Path Forward
The hardest part of how to know ourselves is the realization that we might not like everything we find. You might realize you're a bit manipulative. You might realize you’re lazy. You might realize you’ve stayed in a relationship not out of love, but out of a fear of being alone.
This is where the real work happens.
Self-awareness without self-compassion is just self-abuse. If you find something "ugly" inside, you have to look at it with the curiosity of a scientist rather than the judgment of a hangman. "Oh, look, I’m feeling jealous again. That’s interesting. I wonder what I think I’m lacking right now?"
That shift in perspective changes everything. It moves you from being a victim of your personality to being the architect of your character.
Actionable Next Steps
To move from theory to reality, you need a feedback loop. You can't just think your way into a new self. You have to act.
- Audit Your Time: For the next seven days, track your time in 30-minute increments. Note your energy levels (1-10) next to each activity. At the end of the week, look for the patterns. This is the most honest "personality test" you will ever take.
- The "Stop-Start-Continue" Feedback: Ask a trusted peer: "What should I stop doing, what should I start doing, and what am I doing well that I should continue?" This bypasses generic praise and gets to the actionable truth of how you show up in the world.
- Watch Your Reactions to Strangers: We often project our own disowned traits onto others. If you find yourself irrationally annoyed by someone’s "arrogance," ask yourself if you’ve been suppressing your own need for recognition or confidence.
- Write Down Your Predictions: When you make a big decision, write down what you think will happen and why. Revisit it in six months. We are experts at rewriting our own history to make ourselves look smarter than we were. This "decision journal" (a concept popularized by Shane Parrish) forces you to face your actual thinking process.
Knowing yourself isn't a destination. It’s not a badge you earn. It’s a continuous process of updating your internal software. You’re going to keep changing, and the world is going to keep hitting you with new stressors that reveal new layers of your character. The goal isn't to be perfect; it's to be awake. When you finally stop running from the parts of yourself you don't want to see, you'll find you have a lot more energy to actually build a life that fits who you really are.