Let’s be real for a second. Most of what you think you know about how to go down on her probably came from a screen, and that’s a massive problem. In those movies, everything is frantic. It's high-speed, high-pressure, and usually looks like someone is trying to win a race against a stopwatch. Honestly? That is the quickest way to make a woman want to push your head away. Real-world intimacy is way slower, way more nuanced, and significantly more about the mental game than just "technique."
If you want to actually be good at this, you have to throw out the "porn mechanics." We’re talking about a highly sensitive organ—the clitoris—that has more nerve endings than the head of a penis, packed into a much smaller space. It’s a precision instrument. Treat it like one.
Why Speed Is Usually Your Enemy
Most guys start way too fast. They think intensity equals pleasure. It doesn't. Think about it like this: if someone started rubbing your eye really fast, it wouldn't feel good; it would just hurt. The clitoris is similar. It needs blood flow to get "aroused" before it can handle direct, intense stimulation.
Start elsewhere. Seriously.
Spend ten minutes—yes, ten actual minutes—on her thighs, her stomach, and the surrounding areas before you even think about making direct contact. You’re building anticipation. You’re getting the blood moving. Dr. Laurie Mintz, author of Becoming Cliterate, often points out that the vast majority of women (around 75% to 80%) require clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm. But that stimulation has to be "dialed in," not just aggressive. If she isn't lubricated and the tissue isn't engorged yet, direct friction is just going to feel scratchy or irritating.
Slow down. Then slow down some more.
The Anatomy Lesson You Probably Skipped
You’ve got to understand what you’re looking at. It’s not just "one spot." The clitoris is actually a much larger internal structure, but the part you’re interacting with is the glans. It’s tucked under a hood. Sometimes that hood is sensitive; sometimes it’s a barrier.
- The Hood: This is the skin covering the glans. Some women love direct pressure on the hood; others find it too muffled.
- The Labia: These aren't just "in the way." They are full of nerve endings. Using your lips or tongue to gently pull or massage the labia majora and minora creates a different kind of sensation that builds the "base" of the orgasm.
- The Vestibule: This is the smooth area inside the labia leading to the vaginal opening. It’s extremely sensitive to light touch.
When you’re learning how to go down on her, think of it as a map. You don't just drive straight to the destination; you enjoy the scenic route. Use your flat tongue. Use the tip. Switch between them. But for the love of everything, once you find a rhythm that makes her breath hitch, do not change it. This is the number one mistake. A guy hears a moan, thinks "Oh, it's working! I should do it faster/harder/differently!" and he breaks the spell.
Stick to the rhythm. Be a human metronome.
The "ABC" Method and Other Real Techniques
People love to talk about writing the alphabet with your tongue. It’s okay as a starting point if you’re totally lost, but it’s kinda mechanical. Instead, try focusing on pressure gradients.
The Flat Tongue vs. The Pointed Tip
A flat tongue distributes pressure. It’s softer. It’s better for the beginning stages. The pointed tip is for "precision work" once she’s closer to a climax. If you stay on the tip too long, it can get "sharp" or overstimulating.
Suction is the Secret Weapon
Actually, many women prefer suction over licking. By creating a seal with your lips around the clitoris and gently—gently—inhaling or using a rhythmic sucking motion, you’re mimicking the sensation of a vacuum. This draws blood to the surface. It feels fuller. It’s often much more effective at bringing someone to a peak than just repetitive licking.
The "Come Hither" Motion
While cunnilingus is mostly about the tongue, your fingers play a supporting role. Using one or two fingers inside with a "come hither" motion (curling toward her belly button) stimulates the G-spot, which is actually just the internal structure of the clitoris being pressed from the other side. Combining this with oral stimulation is the "holy grail" for many.
Communication Isn't "Ruining the Mood"
There is this weird myth that if you talk, you’ve failed. Like you should just instinctively know exactly what she wants through some sort of psychic link. That’s nonsense.
"Left or right?"
"Harder or softer?"
"Do you like this rhythm?"
Ask these questions. Use a low voice. It’s hot to be cared for. It’s hot to know your partner is focused on your pleasure. If she says "don't stop," she doesn't mean "keep doing it but slightly different." She means "do exactly what you are doing right now until the end of time."
Handling the "Neck Cramp" and Physicality
Let’s be practical. Doing this for 20 minutes can be physically taxing. If your neck hurts, you’re going to lose focus. Use pillows. Prop her hips up. This changes the angle and makes it easier for you to reach without straining your spine. If you’re comfortable, your tongue will be more relaxed, and the experience will be better for both of you.
Also, don't forget to breathe. It sounds stupid, but a lot of people hold their breath when they're concentrating. If you stop breathing, your muscles tense up, and your tongue gets stiff. Breathe through your nose. Stay relaxed.
📖 Related: Bethlem Royal Hospital London: What You Actually Need to Know About the Real Bedlam
The Mental Component: Enthusiastic Consent and Presence
You can have the best tongue technique in the world, but if you seem like you’re doing a chore, she won't enjoy it. Vulnerability is a huge part of this. For many women, being "down there" can feel exposing or self-conscious. Your job is to make her feel like the most delicious thing on earth.
Show enthusiasm. If you’re into it, she’ll be into it. If you’re checking the clock or wondering when it’s "your turn," she’ll feel that shift in energy. Total presence is the difference between a "fine" experience and a life-changing one.
Actionable Steps for Success
- Start with a "Warm-up" Phase: Spend at least 5-10 minutes on non-genital touch (thighs, neck, stomach) to build arousal.
- Focus on the Rhythm: Once you find a movement that elicits a positive vocal response, lock it in. Do not speed up or change intensity unless she explicitly asks you to.
- Use Your Hands: Don't just let them hang there. Use them to spread the labia for better access, or gently massage her breasts or inner thighs.
- Incorporate Suction: Alternate between licking and gentle suction to vary the sensation and increase blood flow.
- Check Your Positioning: Use pillows to elevate her hips to avoid neck strain and ensure you can stay "in the zone" longer.
- Maintain Communication: Use short, specific questions to guide your technique. "Like this?" or "More pressure?" goes a long way.
Focus on the feedback she's giving you—the arching of the back, the changes in breathing, the way her hands move. That's your real guide to how to go down on her effectively. Every body is a different instrument; your job is to learn how to play this specific one.