Most people think they’re great at it. Honestly, they aren't. They’ve watched a few scenes online or heard a couple of tips from a friend and think that’s the blueprint. But the reality of learning how to give cunnilingus is way more nuanced than just "doing the alphabet" or being enthusiastic. It’s about anatomy, pace, and—maybe most importantly—not treating the person you're with like a science experiment you're trying to finish as fast as possible.
Let's be real: the clitoris is a powerhouse. It has roughly 8,000 nerve endings. That is double what you’ll find in a penis. This isn't just a fun trivia fact. It means the area is incredibly sensitive, and if you go in too hard or too fast without a warmup, it’s not going to feel good. It’s going to feel like someone is rubbing a sandpaper block on a sunburn.
The Anatomy Lesson Nobody Gave You
Before you even get close, you have to understand what you’re looking at. Dr. Laurie Mintz, author of Becoming Cliterate, points out that a massive percentage of women require clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm. It’s not a "bonus" feature. It’s the main event.
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The clitoris isn’t just that little nub at the top. Most of it is internal. It has "legs" (crura) and bulbs that wrap around the vaginal opening. When someone is aroused, these internal structures engorge with blood. This means the whole area becomes more sensitive and responsive as things progress. If you start at a level ten intensity before they're even at a level two, you’re missing the rhythm of how the body actually works.
Why Most People Fail at How to Give Cunnilingus
Communication is usually the first thing to go out the window. People get nervous. They don't want to ask "is this okay?" because they think it ruins the "mood." That is a mistake. A huge one.
Consistency is the secret sauce.
I’ve talked to so many people who say the same thing: "It was going great, and then they just... stopped." Or they changed the rhythm right when it was working. When you find a movement or a speed that is clearly working—indicated by heavy breathing, arching, or actual words—don't change it. Stay there. It might feel repetitive to you. Your jaw might get a little tired. Your tongue might feel like it's doing a marathon. Too bad. If it’s working, your job is to be a human metronome.
The Build-Up Matters More Than the Finish
Don't just dive between the legs like you’re searching for lost keys. Start elsewhere. The inner thighs are a goldmine of sensitivity. The neck. The stomach. Use your hands to explore first. This builds anticipation.
When you finally do move to the vulva, don't go straight for the clitoris. Use your tongue to graze the labia majora (the outer lips) and the labia minora. This is about building blood flow. Think of it like a slow-cooker, not a microwave. You want the heat to rise gradually.
Texture and Pressure Variations
Your tongue is a versatile tool. You can make it flat and soft, or you can make the tip firm and pointed. Use the flat of your tongue for broad, rhythmic strokes. Use the tip for more localized, intense pressure once they are already highly aroused.
Lube isn't just for penetration. Natural arousal produces lubrication, but sometimes the friction of a tongue can still become irritating over a long session. There is absolutely no shame in using a water-based lubricant to keep things smooth. It prevents that "chaffing" feeling that can happen if things get a bit dry.
The Physical Mechanics of the Move
You’ve got to get comfortable. If you’re straining your neck or your back is killing you, you’re going to rush. Use pillows. Prop yourself up. If you’re comfortable, you can stay there as long as it takes.
Suction is the underrated MVP.
While the tongue does the heavy lifting, a little bit of gentle suction on the clitoris can change the entire experience. Don't act like a vacuum cleaner, though. Think soft, rhythmic pulses. You can even use your lips to gently surround the area while your tongue moves inside that space. It creates a localized pressure that many find much more intense than just licking alone.
Dealing With "The Plateau"
Sometimes, a person gets really close and then seems to stall. This is normal. It’s often a mental hurdle or just a physical plateau where the body needs a slight shift in sensation to tip over the edge. This is the only time you should really consider changing your technique mid-stream.
If they seem stuck, try adding a finger internally while continuing the oral stimulation. This "double hit" of sensation can often provide the extra push needed. But again—ask. A quick "more pressure?" or "do you want a finger?" goes a long way.
Common Myths to Stop Believing
- Myth: Faster is always better. Nope. Often, a slow, deep, firm pressure is way more effective than a "hummingbird" flicking motion.
- Myth: You should do the "Alphabet." Honestly, this is kinda silly. It's a fine way to start if you're clueless, but nobody actually wants the letter 'Q' traced on them. Focus on circles, up-and-down, or side-to-side. Find one they like and stick to it.
- Myth: It shouldn't take long. It takes as long as it takes. On average, it takes women about 15 to 20 minutes of consistent stimulation to reach orgasm. If you're checking your watch after five minutes, you're the problem.
The Aftermath and Beyond
Once they've finished, don't just pull away immediately. The area is going to be incredibly sensitive—sometimes even hypersensitive to the point of discomfort—right after an orgasm. Stay close. Use soft kisses or just hold them.
Learning how to give cunnilingus isn't a "one and done" skill. Every person is different. What worked for your last partner might be totally annoying to your current one. You have to be a student of the person you are with. Watch their reactions. Listen to the changes in their breath. If they pull your hair or push your head down, that’s a pretty good sign you’re on the right track.
Practical Steps for Your Next Time
Start by having a conversation when you aren't in the bedroom. It’s way less high-pressure. Ask what they like. Ask if there’s anything they’ve always wanted to try but were too shy to mention.
During the act, pay attention to the "tells." If their legs tense up, you're probably getting close. If they move their hips away, you might be being too aggressive or hitting a spot that's too sensitive. Adjust. Be fluid.
- Focus on the "Hood": Sometimes direct contact on the clitoral glans is too much. Try stimulating through the clitoral hood instead.
- Use Your Hands: Don't let your hands just hang out. Use them to spread the labia for better access, or to caress the rest of the body.
- Breath Control: Try to sync your breathing with theirs. It creates a sense of intimacy and helps you keep a steady rhythm.
- Vary Your Pace: Start slow and rhythmic. Only increase speed when the physical cues (moaning, hip movement) tell you to.
Ultimately, being "good" at this is about 20% technique and 80% paying attention. If you actually care about the other person's pleasure and you're willing to put in the time without rushing to a finish line, you're already doing better than most. Stop overthinking the "moves" and start feeling the connection. Your tongue will figure out the rest if you're actually listening to the feedback you're getting.
Invest in a good quality, flavorless, water-based lubricant to have on hand. Practice keeping your jaw relaxed to avoid cramping during longer sessions. Most importantly, pay attention to the specific feedback of your partner, as the "perfect" technique is entirely subjective and varies from person to person.