Let's be real for a second. The internet is full of "guides" that make anal sound like a quick five-minute tutorial, but if you've actually tried it without a plan, you know that’s a lie. It can be intimidating. Maybe even a little scary. But learning how to get used to anal isn't about "powering through" or just "relaxing" (though relaxation is huge). It’s actually a physiological deep dive into how your body processes sensation, pressure, and trust.
Honestly, the biggest mistake people make is treating the anus like a door that just needs the right key. It's more like a highly sophisticated security system. There are two distinct sphincters involved—the internal and the external. The external one is under your voluntary control; you can clench it right now if you want. The internal one? That’s involuntary. It only opens when it feels safe and ready. If you try to force it, the "alarm" goes off, the muscles spasming in a protective reflex called guarding.
That’s why you can’t just jump in. You have to negotiate with your own anatomy.
Why your brain is actually the biggest hurdle
Before we even talk about lube or toys, we have to talk about your head. The brain-gut connection is powerful. If you’re nervous, your body releases cortisol and adrenaline, which naturally causes your pelvic floor to tighten up. It's a survival instinct.
Dr. Evan Goldstein, a pelvic surgeon and founder of Bespoke Surgical, often points out that the "ick factor" or anxiety around cleanliness is what keeps most people from ever truly relaxing. You’re worried about an accident. That worry leads to tension. That tension leads to discomfort. It's a cycle. To break it, you have to accept that the rectum is a biological organ with a specific job. A little preparation—like a high-fiber diet or a simple bulb syringe—can do wonders for your peace of mind, which in turn helps your muscles stop acting like a fortress.
The slow-motion approach to desensitization
You don't run a marathon on day one. You walk.
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When you're trying to figure out how to get used to anal, the goal is gradual desensitization. This means teaching your nerves that pressure in that area is a positive, or at least neutral, sensation. Start during solo time. There is zero pressure when you're alone. You aren't trying to "perform" for a partner, so you can listen to your body’s signals without ego getting in the way.
- External touch first. Spend a week just getting used to the sensation of touch near the opening. Don't even think about penetration. Use a high-quality silicone-based lubricant—something thick like Uberlube or Swiss Navy—and just massage the area.
- The "knuckle" rule. Use a finger. Not a toy, not a partner. Just you. Apply pressure to the opening and wait. Don't push in. Wait for that internal "give." When the muscle relaxes, it'll feel like a slight release or a "melting" sensation.
- Breathwork. This sounds like yoga fluff, but it’s biological. When you inhale deeply into your belly, your pelvic floor drops and expands. When you exhale, it lifts. If you try to enter during an exhale, you're fighting a lifting muscle. Always move on the inhale.
The Lube Factor: Don't skimp
Lube is not optional. It’s the engine oil of this entire experience. The rectum doesn't produce its own moisture like the vagina does, and the tissue there is delicate.
Water-based lubes are fine, but they dry out fast. You’ll find yourself reapplying every three minutes, which kills the mood. Silicone-based lubricants are generally the gold standard for anal because they stay slippery forever and are water-resistant. However, if you’re using silicone toys, stick to a high-end water-based option like Sliquid Silk or a hybrid to avoid damaging the toy's surface. Avoid anything with "numbing" agents. Seriously. If you numb the area, you can’t feel if you’re actually getting hurt. Pain is a signal. You need that signal to stay safe.
Understanding the "Fullness" Sensation
One of the weirdest parts of getting used to the feeling is the "I need to go to the bathroom" sensation. This is a massive mental block for almost everyone.
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Here’s the science: The nerves in the rectum are designed to signal the brain when there's pressure, usually indicating it’s time for a bowel movement. When a finger or toy enters, it triggers those same nerves. Your brain gets a "false positive" signal. You have to train your brain to recognize this as "pleasurable pressure" instead of "emergency."
It takes time. Usually about 5 to 10 minutes of consistent, gentle pressure for the brain to stop sending the "bathroom" alert and start sending the "this is fine" signal.
Moving from solo play to partner play
Transitioning to a partner adds a whole new layer of complexity: communication.
If you can't tell your partner "stop," "slower," or "more lube," you aren't ready. Period. The person on the receiving end should always be the one in control of the pace. A great way to do this is the "hand-over-hand" technique. If your partner is using a toy or their finger, put your hand over theirs. You guide the depth and the speed. This gives your nervous system a sense of agency, which keeps the "fight or flight" response at bay.
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Positions matter, too.
- Spooning: This is often the best "starter" position because it allows for full body contact and easy access without the intensity of other angles.
- On your stomach: Some people find this easier because they can't "see" what's happening, which lets them focus entirely on sensation.
- Cowgirl/Cowboy: This gives the receiver total control over gravity and depth.
Common setbacks and how to handle them
It’s not always going to be perfect. You might have a day where it just feels "off" or uncomfortable. That’s normal. Human bodies aren't machines.
If you feel a sharp pain, stop. That is your body saying the tissue is stretched too thin or the muscle hasn't relaxed. If you see bright red blood—more than a tiny "spot" on the tissue—take a break for a few days. Small micro-tears (fissures) can happen if you rush, and they need time to heal.
Also, let's talk about the "poop" factor. It happens. Professionals in this field, like sex educators and medical doctors, will tell you that a little bit of mess is a statistical probability at some point. It’s not a catastrophe. Lay down a dark towel, have some wipes nearby, and keep going if you’re comfortable. The more you obsess over it, the tighter you’ll be.
Advanced Comfort: The Role of Pelvic Floor Physical Therapy
If you've tried everything—lube, toys, breathing, patience—and it still hurts, you might have a hypertonic pelvic floor. This basically means your muscles are "always on."
In these cases, "getting used to it" isn't about more practice; it’s about medical intervention. A pelvic floor physical therapist can help you learn to down-train those muscles. They use tools like vaginal or anal dilators (which are basically just progressive sizing kits) to help the tissue and nerves adapt. It’s a clinical approach to a personal goal, and it works. Don't be ashamed to talk to a doctor if you feel like your body is literally fighting you.
Actionable Steps for your next week
Forget the end goal for a second. If you want to actually get used to the sensation, follow this loose schedule:
- Days 1-3: Focus entirely on external stimulation during your normal routine. Use lube. Get the skin used to being touched.
- Days 4-7: Incorporate a single, lubricated finger during a warm bath or shower. The warm water helps relax the sphincters naturally. Don't try to "do" anything; just let the finger rest at the entrance.
- Next Phase: Once a finger feels like "nothing," move to a small, tapered toy. Look for something made of non-porous silicone with a flared base. The taper is key because it slowly stretches the muscle rather than hitting it with a blunt shape.
- The Lube Test: Experiment with different brands. You might find that a thicker gel feels better than a thin liquid.
The biggest takeaway is that how to get used to anal is a journey of patience. There is no award for doing it fast. There is only the reward of doing it comfortably. Listen to your body, buy the expensive lube, and don't be afraid to take three steps back if you need to. Your anatomy will eventually follow your lead if you give it enough reasons to trust you.