It’s an gut-punching feeling. You walk into a room, catch someone’s eye, and immediately feel that cold blast of pure, unadulterated disdain. Maybe it’s a coworker who thinks you’re a "climber," a mother-in-law who still wishes her son married his high school sweetheart, or just a former friend who feels burned. Whatever the case, figuring out how to get someone who hates you to like you isn't about magic tricks or manipulation. Honestly, it’s mostly about psychological endurance and a very specific set of social maneuvers that feel counterintuitive at first.
Most people try too hard. They over-apologize, they buy gifts, or they try to "win" the person over with relentless cheerfulness. Stop that. It’s annoying. If someone already finds your existence grating, being "extra" is just going to validate their hatred. You’re basically handing them more ammunition.
The Psychology of the "Enemy" and Why They Hate You
Before you can fix the vibe, you have to understand why it’s broken. Psychologists often point to something called "confirmation bias." If someone has decided you’re a jerk, their brain will actively filter out your good deeds and highlight your mistakes. It’s a survival mechanism. They want to be right about you because being wrong feels like a personal failure.
Take the work of Robert Cialdini, a giant in the field of influence. He talks about the "Liking" principle. We like people who are similar to us, who pay us compliments, and who cooperate with us. But if you’ve already crossed into "hated" territory, you can’t just start throwing compliments around. It looks fake. It feels like you’re selling something.
There is also the "Ben Franklin Effect." This is a legendary psychological phenomenon. Back in the 1700s, Franklin had a rival in the Pennsylvania legislature who really didn't like him. Instead of trying to do something nice for the guy, Franklin asked him for a favor. He asked to borrow a rare book. The rival complied, and suddenly, their relationship shifted. Why? Because our brains hate cognitive dissonance. If I do a favor for you, my brain says, "I must like this person, otherwise why would I be doing them a favor?" It’s a brilliant, subtle way to bridge the gap.
The First Rule: Stop the Bleeding
You can’t build a house on a swamp. If you want to know how to get someone who hates you to like you, you have to stop doing the things that make them hate you. This sounds obvious, but it’s the step everyone skips.
Give them space. Serious space. If you’re constantly in their peripheral vision trying to be helpful, you’re just a fly they want to swat. Go radio silent for a bit. Let the heat of their resentment cool down. This is what negotiators call "strategic silence." It creates a vacuum where the person can eventually start to wonder if they were being a bit too harsh.
🔗 Read more: Curtain Bangs on Fine Hair: Why Yours Probably Look Flat and How to Fix It
Be warned: this takes time. You might need weeks or even months of being "pleasantly neutral" before you can actually make a move. Neutrality is your best friend. Don't be mean, but don't be a golden retriever either. Just be a professional, calm human being who exists in the same space without causing friction.
Using the Ben Franklin Effect Correctly
So, you’ve been neutral for a while. Now what? You ask for a small, non-intrusive favor. This is the pivot point.
Don't ask for money. Don't ask for a ride to the airport. Ask for their opinion or their expertise on something that they actually care about. If they’re a tech whiz, ask "Hey, I’m struggling with this Excel macro—you’re the only person I know who actually understands this stuff, could you take a thirty-second look?"
It does three things:
- It validates their ego.
- It forces them to interact with you in a helpful capacity.
- It triggers that cognitive dissonance we talked about.
They’ll probably help you just to show off how much they know. And that’s fine. Let them show off. You’re not trying to win a status battle here; you’re trying to build a bridge.
The Power of the "Accidental" Compliment
Direct compliments to someone who hates you usually fail. They feel like a bribe. Instead, use the "third-party compliment" technique. This involves saying something nice about them to a person you know will report it back to them.
💡 You might also like: Bates Nut Farm Woods Valley Road Valley Center CA: Why Everyone Still Goes After 100 Years
It’s basically the opposite of gossip. If you tell a mutual friend, "Man, Sarah really handled that crisis well yesterday, I was impressed," there is a 90% chance Sarah will hear about it. Coming from a third party, the compliment feels genuine. It feels like something you said when you didn't think she was listening. That carries ten times more weight than saying it to her face.
Managing Your Own Ego
Let's be real for a second. Why do you want this person to like you? Honestly, sometimes the best way to get someone to like you is to stop caring if they do. There’s a weird social gravity to people who are comfortable in their own skin and don't need external validation.
If you’re desperate, you smell like it. People can sense social desperation from a mile away, and it’s a massive turn-off. You have to be okay with the possibility that they might never like you. Paradoxically, once you accept that, your behavior becomes more natural, less twitchy, and more attractive to others.
Dealing with the "Why"
Sometimes people hate you because you actually did something wrong. If that’s the case, no amount of borrowing books or third-party compliments will fix it until you own up.
A real apology doesn't have a "but" in it.
"I’m sorry I said that, but you were being..." — No. That’s a defense, not an apology.
"I’m sorry I said that. It was out of line and I regret it." — That’s an apology.
If you've already apologized and they still hate you, move on to the "neutrality" phase. You can't force forgiveness. You can only provide the environment where it might eventually grow.
📖 Related: Why T. Pepin’s Hospitality Centre Still Dominates the Tampa Event Scene
Practical Steps to Flip the Script
Let's get into the weeds of the daily interaction. When you're trying to figure out how to get someone who hates you to like you, the micro-expressions matter.
- The Eyebrow Flash: When you see them, give a very brief, tiny lift of the eyebrows. It’s a universal biological sign of "non-threat." It says "I see you and I’m not an enemy" without you saying a word.
- The Tilt: When they speak (if they speak), tilt your head slightly. It shows you’re actually listening and not just waiting for your turn to defend yourself.
- The "We" Language: If you’re working on a project together, shift the language from "I" and "You" to "The project" or "The goal." It removes the personal friction and focuses on a shared external target.
When to Give Up
Look, some people are just committed to their narratives. If you’ve tried the Ben Franklin effect, you’ve been neutral, you’ve offered the third-party compliments, and they’re still treating you like toxic waste—stop.
At some point, your effort becomes a lack of self-respect. There is a line between being a social engineer and being a doormat. If you’ve done the work and the needle hasn't moved, the problem is likely their own internal baggage, not your behavior.
Actionable Strategy for the Next 30 Days
Day 1-10: The Blackout. Total neutrality. No unnecessary talk. No favors. No "good mornings" unless they say it first. You are becoming a background character in their life. You want to reset their "irritation" meter to zero.
Day 11-20: The Observation. Watch them. Not in a creepy way, but notice what they value. Do they value punctuality? Do they love a specific type of coffee? Don't buy it for them, just notice it. This is for your data bank.
Day 21-25: The Micro-Opening. This is where you use the Ben Franklin effect. Ask for that tiny, 10-second favor. "Hey, do you remember which font we used for the Peterson file? I want to make sure this matches."
Day 26-30: The Reinforcement. If they help you, a simple "Thanks, I appreciate that" is enough. Don't gush. Then, later in the week, drop that third-party compliment to a mutual acquaintance.
This process isn't fast. It’s a slow burn. But it’s the only way to actually change a mind rather than just temporarily masking a conflict. Real influence is about patience and the willingness to let the other person feel like they "won." If they feel like they discovered you aren't so bad on their own terms, the change will stick. If they feel like you pressured them into liking you, they'll go back to hating you the second you make a mistake.