You’re staring at your phone again. It’s been forty-two minutes. You aren't checking for a work email or a text from your mom; you’re waiting for a specific name to pop up, a digital hit of dopamine that makes your heart do a weird, painful flip-flop. This isn't just a crush. It’s heavy. It’s obsessive. It’s exhausting.
Psychologists call this state limerence.
Dr. Dorothy Tennov coined the term back in 1979 in her book Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love. She realized that what many people describe as "madly in love" is actually a distinct cognitive state characterized by intrusive thoughts and an acute longing for reciprocation. It’s basically your brain’s reward system highjacking your common sense. If you feel like you’re losing your grip on reality because of someone who might not even know you’re alive, you aren’t crazy. You’re just stuck in a biological loop.
Getting better takes work. Real work.
Understanding the "Limerent Object" and Why Your Brain Is Lying
Most people think limerence is about the other person. It isn’t. Not really.
The person you’re obsessed with—the "Limerent Object" or LO—is usually just a blank canvas. You’ve painted your own needs, traumas, and fantasies onto them. You don't see them as a human who forgets to floss or has annoying political opinions. You see them as a savior. Or a mirror.
Neuroscience tells us that during these episodes, the brain is flooded with dopamine and norepinephrine. Meanwhile, your serotonin levels drop. This chemical cocktail is strikingly similar to what happens in the brains of people with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD). That’s why you can’t "just stop thinking about them." Your brain is literally addicted to the possibility of them.
The uncertainty is the fuel. If they liked you back definitively, the limerence would often fade into regular love or just disappear. But because they are hot and cold—or totally unavailable—your brain stays in "hunting mode." It's called intermittent reinforcement. It’s the same reason people lose their life savings to a slot machine.
The First Step: How to Get Over Limerence via Radical Sobriety
You have to go cold turkey. Honestly, there is no "light" version of this.
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If you keep checking their Instagram stories, you are feeding the beast. Every time you see their face, you get a micro-dose of dopamine that resets your recovery clock to zero. You wouldn't try to quit alcohol by hanging out in a bar and sniffing the whiskey bottles.
No Contact is the gold standard for a reason. This means:
- Muting or blocking them on every social platform.
- Deleting old text threads so you stop re-reading them like they’re sacred texts.
- Avoiding places where you know they’ll be.
- Telling mutual friends you don't want to hear updates about their life.
It feels like dying. Your chest will ache. You will feel a profound sense of boredom because your "high" is gone. But this "boredom" is actually your nervous system returning to a baseline of safety.
Why You Specifically? Looking at the Roots
Limerence often grows in the cracks of an unfulfilled life.
If you’re happy, busy, and feel seen by your friends and family, a crush usually stays a crush. But if you’re lonely, or if you grew up with an insecure attachment style, limerence becomes a survival mechanism. Dr. Joe Beam, who works extensively with people in limerent affairs, often points out that limerence thrives when there is a perceived "void" in the individual’s life.
Think back. Did your parents only give you affection when you performed well? Are you currently stuck in a job you hate?
The LO is a distraction. As long as you are obsessing over whether or not they like you, you don't have to face the fact that you don't really like your life. It’s a shiny, painful shield.
Managing the Intrusive Thoughts
You can't control the first thought, but you can control the second one.
When a fantasy starts—maybe you're imagining a scenario where they finally admit they've loved you all along—you have to interrupt it. Physically move your body. Do ten pushups. Drink a glass of ice water. Tell yourself out loud: "This is a chemical intrusive thought. It isn't reality."
One effective technique used in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is de-idealization.
Grab a notebook. Write down every single flaw this person has. Do they have bad breath? Are they kind of mean to waiters? Do they have a boring laugh? Are they actually a bit of a flake? Write it all down. When the limerence kicks in and you start thinking they’re a god, read the list. Remind yourself that they are a flawed, sweating, aging human being who is probably wrong for you anyway.
The Role of Transferance
Be careful. A lot of people "get over" one person by immediately finding a new LO.
This is just jumping from one drug to another. To truly figure out how to get over limerence, you have to sit in the discomfort of being alone. You have to learn to regulate your own emotions without using another person as a human Xanax.
Research into "Attachment Theory" suggests that those with an Anxious-Preoccupied style are most susceptible. If that's you, therapy isn't just a suggestion; it’s a toolkit. You need to learn how to soothe your own "inner child" so you stop looking for a romantic partner to do it for you. It's a heavy lift, but it’s the only way to break the cycle permanently.
Practical Steps to Reclaim Your Reality
Recovery isn't linear. You'll have great days followed by a Tuesday where you see a car that looks like theirs and you spiral. That’s normal.
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- Audit your triggers. If certain songs make you obsess, delete them from your playlists. If a specific coffee shop reminds you of them, find a new spot. You need to sanitize your environment.
- Focus on "The Boring Stuff." In the heat of limerence, normal life feels grey. Lean into that grey. Clean your baseboards. File your taxes. Go for a long, slow walk without headphones. Reconnect with the physical world.
- Find a "Limerence Buddy." Not someone who will indulge your fantasies, but a friend who knows the truth and will tell you to put your phone down. You need someone who will give you a reality check when you start decoding the "hidden meaning" of a liked photo.
- Invest in "Self-Expansion." Studies show that trying new things—hobbies, classes, travel—helps "overwrite" the mental space occupied by an LO. It forces your brain to create new neural pathways that have nothing to do with that person.
The Final Shift: From Longing to Looking Inward
Eventually, the fog lifts.
You’ll wake up one day and realize you haven't thought about them for three hours. Then three days. Then three weeks.
The goal isn't just to stop liking them. The goal is to become the kind of person who doesn't need a limerent fantasy to feel alive. You have to find that spark in your own work, your own creativity, and your own community.
Stop asking if they love you. Start asking if you even like the person you become when you’re around them. Usually, the answer is "no." You become small, anxious, and performative. You deserve to be the version of yourself that is big, calm, and present.
Immediate Action Plan:
- Identify your "Digital Access Points" and block or mute them immediately. Do not "say goodbye." Just disappear for your own health.
- Set a 15-minute timer and write a "Flaw List" for your LO. Be brutal. Keep this list on your phone’s notes app.
- Schedule one social activity this week with people who have known you since before this obsession started. Remind yourself who you were before this.
- Physicalize the energy. When the "longing" hits, go for a run or do something high-intensity. Use the norepinephrine for something useful instead of letting it rot in your chest.