It hurts. Honestly, it feels like someone took a literal sledgehammer to your chest, and now you’re expected to just... go to work? Buy groceries? It's absurd. The biological reality of a split is that your brain is basically going through a chemical withdrawal. When you’re in love, your brain is flooded with dopamine and oxytocin. Then, suddenly, the tap shuts off. You aren't just sad; you are chemically depleted.
Learning how to get over a breakup isn't about some magical timeline or "finding yourself" on a beach in Bali, though that sounds nice. It’s about managing the neurological fallout while trying to remember who you were before "we" became the default setting. People tell you that time heals all wounds, but that’s a bit of a lie. Time just gives you distance. What you do with that distance is what actually determines if you’re going to be okay or if you’re going to be stalking their Instagram at 3 AM for the next six months.
Your brain is literally addicted to your ex
Neuroscientist Helen Fisher has spent years shoving people who just got dumped into MRI machines. What she found is fascinating and also kinda terrifying. When people look at photos of their exes, the parts of the brain that light up are the same ones associated with physical pain and—wait for it—cocaine addiction.
You are a junkie.
That’s why you feel that desperate, clawing urge to text them just one more time. You aren't necessarily "weak," you’re just responding to a massive drop in dopamine. Understanding this helps take the shame out of the process. If you can view your cravings as a biological glitch rather than a soul-deep failure, you can start to treat yourself with a bit more grace.
The physical symptoms are real too. Takotsubo cardiomyopathy—literally "Broken Heart Syndrome"—is a documented medical condition where extreme emotional stress causes the heart's left ventricle to stun and fail. While rare, it proves that the link between your emotions and your physical body isn't just "all in your head." Your heart hurts because your nervous system is in a state of high alert.
Why the "No Contact Rule" isn't just a cliché
You've heard it a thousand times. Go no contact. Block them. Delete the number. It feels harsh, maybe even immature, but it’s actually the most scientific way to heal.
Every time you see their face on a screen or hear their voice, you trigger a fresh hit of those "addiction" chemicals. It resets the clock. You can't detox while you're still taking hits of the drug. Dr. Guy Winch, a psychologist who specializes in heartbreaks, often points out that we have a tendency to idealize our exes the moment they’re gone. We remember the way they laughed at our jokes but conveniently forget the way they made us feel small in front of our friends.
Maintaining no contact for at least 30 to 60 days gives your prefrontal cortex—the logical part of your brain—a chance to wrestle control back from the emotional amygdala. It’s hard. It sucks. You’ll want to check their Spotify "Recently Played" to see if they're listening to sad songs. Don’t do it. That’s just your brain looking for a fix.
Moving through the "Compulsive Refiguring" phase
Ever notice how you keep replaying the final argument? Or that one weekend in October where things started to feel "off"?
Psychologists call this intrusive rumination. It’s your brain trying to solve a puzzle that has no solution. You think if you can just figure out the exact moment it went wrong, you can fix it or at least find peace. But closure is a DIY project. You aren't going to get it from them. Even if they gave you an honest answer, you probably wouldn't believe it or it wouldn't feel like enough.
- Write a letter to them that you never send. Say every mean, petty, and heartbreaking thing you're thinking.
- Make a list of their flaws. Be brutal. Did they chew too loudly? Were they bad with money? Did they ignore your needs? Keep this list on your phone and read it whenever you feel the urge to romanticize the relationship.
- Change your environment. Move the furniture. Buy new sheets. Your brain associates your physical space with your ex; changing the "scenery" helps break those cognitive associations.
The myth of the "Rebound" and the truth about distraction
We’ve all been told that the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.
Is it true? Sorta.
A study published in the journal Evolutionary Behavioral Sciences suggested that men and women experience breakups differently, but "rebound" relationships aren't always the disaster people claim they are. For some, a casual, low-stakes connection can actually provide a necessary boost in self-esteem and a distraction from the ruminative cycle.
However, there’s a catch. If you're using a new person to fill a hole in your soul, you're just kicking the can down the road. You have to be able to sit with the silence eventually.
Distraction is a valid tool, but it needs to be constructive. This is the time to lean into the things your ex hated or things you stopped doing because they didn't enjoy them. Did they hate spicy food? Go to the hottest Thai place in town. Did they think your hobby was "nerdy"? Double down on it. Reclaiming your identity is a huge part of how to get over a breakup effectively. You are rebuilding the "I" that got lost in the "we."
Social media is your worst enemy right now
The "Explore" page is a minefield. The "Memories" feature is a digital haunting.
Algorithms don't care about your mental health; they care about engagement. If you keep clicking on your ex's profile, the algorithm will keep serving you their content. You have to be aggressive with your digital boundaries. Mute their friends too. You don't need to see that your ex was at a party looking happy while you're at home in pajamas that haven't been washed in three days.
Real growth happens in the shadows, away from the performative nonsense of Instagram and TikTok.
When to worry: Depression vs. Grief
It’s normal to feel like garbage for a few weeks, or even months. But there is a line between situational sadness and clinical depression. If you find that after a month or two you still can't sleep, you've lost or gained a significant amount of weight, or you literally cannot function at your job, it might be time to talk to a professional.
Grief is wave-like. One day you’re fine, the next day a specific song plays in the grocery store and you’re a mess. That’s normal. But if the wave never lets up and you're underwater for weeks on end, that’s different. Therapy isn't just for "crises"; it's for gaining the tools to process the trauma of a severed attachment.
Building a new narrative
The stories we tell ourselves about our breakups matter. If your story is "I was rejected because I'm unlovable," your recovery will take years. If your story is "We were incompatible in these specific ways, and now I have the space to find someone who actually fits," your recovery will be much faster.
This isn't just "positive thinking" fluff. It's cognitive reframing.
👉 See also: Normal Beats Per Minute Women: Why Your Heart Rate Isn't a Static Number
You aren't a victim of a breakup; you are the survivor of a relationship that didn't work. Those are two very different vibes.
Actionable Steps for the Next 72 Hours
- The Digital Purge: Don't just mute them; delete the message threads. If you can't bring yourself to delete photos yet, move them to a hidden folder or a thumb drive and give it to a friend. Get them off your daily feed.
- Physical Reset: Go for a long walk. Not a "stroll," but a fast-paced walk. Exercise produces endorphins that act as a natural painkiller for the emotional distress you're feeling.
- The "Venting" Window: Give yourself 15 minutes a day to absolutely obsess and cry. Set a timer. When it goes off, you have to do something else—clean a dish, call a friend about their life, or watch a movie.
- Audit Your Sleep: Heartbreak wreaks havoc on sleep. Try a magnesium supplement or a weighted blanket. Physical comfort is a huge part of regulating your nervous system when it feels "exposed."
- Write the "Why It Failed" List: Write down five reasons why the relationship wasn't perfect. Be honest. Was the communication bad? Did you have different values? Keep this as a reality check for when the "nostalgia filter" starts to kick in.
Getting over a breakup is a messy, non-linear process. You'll have great days followed by terrible ones. That’s not a sign of failure; it’s just how the human brain rewires itself. Be patient with the process. You've survived 100% of your bad days so far, and this one is no different.