Let’s be honest. Nobody actually wants to spend their engagement party thinking about divorce lawyers. It’s awkward. It’s unromantic. It feels like you’re betting against your own marriage before you’ve even cut the cake. But here’s the thing: you already have a prenuptial agreement. If you don’t write your own, the state you live in has a "one-size-fits-all" version waiting for you in the form of divorce laws. Learning how to do a prenup is basically just taking the pen back from the government.
It isn't just for billionaires or celebrities trying to protect a private island. It’s for the person with $50,000 in student loans, the woman who wants to stay home with kids for five years, or the guy who owns 15% of a startup that might be worth nothing—or everything—in a decade.
The Reality of Why You Need to Know How to Do a Prenup
Most people think a prenup is a "get out of jail free" card for the wealthier spouse. That’s a massive misconception. In 2024 and 2025, family law experts like those at the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers (AAML) have noted a surge in millennials seeking these agreements, not because they’re cynical, but because they’re marrying later. They have stuff. They have careers.
If you enter a marriage with a house you bought at 27, and you live there with your spouse for ten years using joint funds to pay the mortgage, that house is no longer "just yours" in many states. It becomes "commingled." A prenup draws a line in the sand. It says, "This stays mine, that stays yours, and this is how we’ll build 'ours' together."
Money is the leading cause of divorce. Talking about it now is a stress test. Think of it as the ultimate "courageous conversation." If you can’t talk about what happens if things go wrong, are you really ready for the complexity of things going right?
Start Early (Like, Way Earlier Than You Think)
Don't bring this up three days before the wedding. That is a recipe for a "duress" claim later, which is a fast track to getting your prenup thrown out of court. Most attorneys recommend starting the process at least three to six months before the big day.
You need time to breathe. You need time to argue. You need time to find a lawyer who doesn't make you feel like a soulless corporate raider.
First, you both need to get organized. This means a full, "naked" financial disclosure. You have to show every single bank account, every debt, every weird investment in crypto, and even that inheritance you expect to get from your Aunt Martha. If you hide an asset, the whole agreement is basically trash. Courts hate being lied to.
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Finding the Right Legal Representation
Here is a non-negotiable rule: you both need your own lawyer.
I’ve seen people try to save money by using one attorney or a "DIY" online kit they found for $99. That is a terrible idea. If one person doesn't have independent counsel, a judge can easily rule that the agreement was unfair or that one person didn't understand what they were signing.
When you're looking for an attorney, don't just pick a "shark." You want a family law specialist who understands mediation. You want someone who says, "Let's make this fair," not "Let's crush your fiancé."
Questions to ask a potential lawyer:
- How many prenups do you actually draft a year?
- Do you prefer a collaborative approach or a traditional adversarial one?
- What is your stance on "infidelity clauses" (spoiler: many states won't even enforce them)?
- How do you handle sunset clauses?
A sunset clause is a cool feature. It basically says the prenup expires after 10 or 15 years. The idea is that if you've been married that long, you're "all in" and the original rules don't need to apply anymore.
The "What If" Scenarios You Have to Map Out
When you're figuring out how to do a prenup, you're basically playing a game of "What If."
What if one of us stops working to raise the kids? This is huge. If you stay home for ten years, you lose out on Social Security contributions, 401k growth, and career advancement. A good prenup can include "alimony provisions" or a "lump sum payment" to compensate the stay-at-home parent for that lost earning potential. It’s about equity, not just equality.
What if one of us gets a massive inheritance? Most states treat inheritance as separate property, but the moment you put that money into a joint savings account to buy a new kitchen, it’s commingled. A prenup keeps it separate regardless of where the money sits.
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What about the debt? If your partner comes in with $100k in law school debt, do you want to be responsible for that if the marriage ends? Probably not. You can stipulate that "pre-marital debt" stays with the person who brought it to the party.
The Trap of "Lifestyle Clauses"
Social media loves to talk about "cheating clauses" or "weight gain clauses." Honestly? Most of that is nonsense.
In California, for example, courts generally refuse to enforce "lifestyle clauses" because they don't want to be in the business of policing people's bedrooms or bathroom scales. They care about the money. Focus on the finances. If you spend three weeks arguing over who gets the Netflix login or how many times the mother-in-law can visit, you’re just wasting billable hours.
Keep it focused on assets, debts, and support.
The Logistics: Signing and Executing
Once the draft is done, you don't just scribble your name at the kitchen table. It needs to be a formal event. You’ll go to your respective lawyers' offices, or meet in a conference room.
There should be witnesses. There should be a notary. Some people even video record the signing to prove that both parties were lucid, happy, and not under pressure. It sounds overkill, but when you're protecting a lifetime of work, "overkill" is just "due diligence."
Wait.
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Don't sign it the morning of the wedding. Seriously. There's a famous case in the UK (Radmacher v Granatino) and various similar ones in the US where the timing of the signing was a major factor in whether the agreement held up. If you're wearing your tuxedo while signing the papers, a lawyer later will argue you were under extreme emotional pressure to sign so you wouldn't have to cancel the $50,000 party.
When a Prenup Might Not Be Enough
It's important to realize that prenups have limits. They almost never can settle child custody or child support issues in advance. Why? Because the court maintains "parens patriae" power—the right to decide what is in the "best interests of the child" at the time of the divorce, not five years before the kid was even born.
If your prenup is "unconscionable"—meaning it’s so one-sided that it would leave one person destitute while the other lives in a mansion—a judge might just tear it up. You can't leave your spouse on welfare while you fly private. The law generally won't allow it.
Actionable Steps to Get Started Now
Don't wait for a "perfect time" because there isn't one. It’s a business meeting for your heart.
- The "Dinner and Data" Night: Sit down with your partner. No phones. Just a bottle of wine or a coffee. Each of you bring a list of your "big" assets and "big" debts.
- Define Your Goals: Ask each other: "What are we trying to protect?" Is it a family business? Is it the idea of a clean break? Is it a specific inheritance?
- Interview Lawyers Independently: Don't use the same firm. Find people you actually like. If your lawyer makes you feel like you're at war with your fiancé, find a different lawyer.
- Draft the Term Sheet: Before the lawyers start billing by the minute to write "legalese," write a simple list in plain English of what you've agreed on. This saves hours of back-and-forth.
- Review the Draft Together: Read it. Out loud. It sounds different when you hear the words.
- Sign it and Move On: Once it’s done, put it in a safe (or a digital vault) and don't look at it again. Go back to being engaged. Go back to picking out flowers or arguing about the seating chart.
A prenup isn't a death warrant for a relationship; it’s a blueprint for how you handle the hard stuff. By the time the wedding day rolls around, you’ll actually feel lighter knowing the "money stuff" is settled and you can just focus on the "love stuff."
The goal is to never need this document. You want it to collect dust for fifty years. But if you do need it, you’ll be glad you weren't the person who left their future up to a random judge in a crowded courtroom. Take control of the narrative now.