Trust is a weird thing. You can't just flip a switch and have it. It’s basically the currency of human interaction, yet most of us are walking around with "counterfeit bills" without even realizing it. We think being reliable means just showing up on time. It's way deeper than that. Honestly, figuring out how to be trustworthy is less about a checklist and more about a fundamental shift in how you handle your mistakes and your "yeses."
Why your "yes" is actually hurting you
Most people think being a "yes man" makes them reliable. It doesn't. In fact, saying yes to everything is the fastest way to tank your reputation. When you overpromise, you inevitably under-deliver.
Think about that friend who agrees to every brunch, every moving day, and every work project. They mean well. But then Saturday rolls around and they "overslept" or "got tied up." That’s not a mistake; it's a pattern of systemic unreliability. To be truly trustworthy, your "no" has to be as firm as your "yes." People don't trust people who are spread too thin. They trust people who know their limits.
Dr. Brené Brown, a researcher at the University of Houston who has spent decades studying vulnerability and shame, often talks about "The Anatomy of Trust" using the acronym BRAVING. One of the core pillars is Boundaries. If you don't have boundaries, you aren't trustworthy because you aren't clear about what is actually okay and what isn't. You're just a leaf in the wind.
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The vulnerability paradox
It feels counterintuitive, but being "perfect" makes you look suspicious. Humans are wired to sniff out fake perfection.
If someone never admits a mistake, your brain treats them like a software glitch. We trust people who say, "I messed that up, and here is how I’m going to fix it." This is what researchers call the Pratfall Effect. It’s a psychological phenomenon where people who are generally competent become more likable and trustworthy after making a mistake—provided they acknowledge it. If you hide the mistake, you’re just a liar in waiting.
How to be trustworthy when things go wrong
Let’s talk about the "Ouch" moment. Everyone has one. You forgot the deadline. You gossiped about a coworker. You lost the borrowed lawnmower.
Most people try to "soften the blow" by making excuses. "I was tired," or "The traffic was crazy." Stop. Excuses are the death of trust. They signal that you value your ego more than the relationship. To rebuild or maintain trust, you need a radical level of accountability.
- State exactly what happened without the "but."
- Acknowledge the impact on the other person.
- Offer a specific remedy.
It's about being predictable. Reliability is just predictability over time. If I know that when you mess up, you will tell me immediately, I can trust you. If I have to go hunting for the truth, the relationship is already over, even if we’re still talking.
The "Vault" and the danger of gossip
We’ve all done it. You’re at lunch, things get quiet, and you drop a piece of "tea" about someone else to keep the conversation going. It feels like bonding. It feels like you’re building a bridge with the person across from you.
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You aren't.
What you’re actually doing is showing that person exactly how you’ll treat their secrets when they aren't around. In the BRAVING framework, this is called the Vault. Being trustworthy means you don’t just keep your own secrets; you keep other people’s secrets too. If you tell me something about Jane that I wasn't supposed to know, you have effectively told me that you are an unsafe person.
Trust is built in small moments, not grand gestures. It's the "sliding door moments," a term coined by Dr. John Gottman. When your partner or friend reaches out for a connection, do you turn toward them or away? Doing the dishes when you said you would is a deposit in the trust bank. Picking up the phone when you’d rather watch Netflix is a deposit.
Consistency beats intensity every single time
You can't "sprint" your way into being trusted. You can't buy a giant gift to make up for six months of being flakey. It doesn't work that way.
The brain builds trust through pattern recognition. If you are 10% late to everything, I trust that you will be late. If you always downplay your achievements to sound humble but then act arrogant later, I trust that you are performative.
- Reliability: Doing what you say you will do.
- Accountability: Owning it when you don't.
- Integrity: Choosing courage over comfort.
- Non-judgment: People can be honest with you without fear of being attacked.
This last point is huge. If you blow up every time someone tells you something you don't want to hear, they will start lying to you. Congratulations: you have trained the people in your life to be untrustworthy because you made the truth too expensive for them to afford.
To be a person others trust, you have to be a person who can handle the truth. You have to be a safe harbor for bad news.
The business of being believed
In a professional setting, trust is the difference between a high-performing team and a toxic one. The "Speed of Trust," a concept popularized by Stephen M.R. Covey, suggests that when trust goes up, speed goes up and costs go down. Think about it. If I trust you, I don't need to double-check your emails. I don't need to BCC the boss. We just move.
When trust is low, everything requires a meeting, a signature, and a paper trail. It's exhausting. It’s expensive.
Actionable steps to increase your "Trust Score"
Stop trying to look good and start being honest. It sounds like a Hallmark card, but it’s actually a survival strategy for the modern world where everyone is skeptical.
Audit your current commitments.
Look at your calendar. If you have five things you "might" do, cancel three of them today. Tell the people involved, "I realized I overcommitted and I don't want to let you down at the last minute, so I can't make this work." They might be bummed, but they will respect the honesty more than a "sorry I'm sick" text ten minutes before the event.
Practice the "No-Defense" rule.
The next time someone gives you feedback or points out a mistake, don't explain why you did it. Just say, "You're right. I see how that affected things. Thank you for telling me." Watch how the tension in the room evaporates.
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Close the loop.
If you tell someone "I'll get back to you," give them a timeframe. If you can't hit that timeframe, send a message before the deadline saying you need more time. Trust isn't about being a robot; it's about keeping people informed so they aren't left guessing.
Watch your mouth.
Notice how often you talk about people who aren't in the room. Even if it's "harmless" venting, it erodes your status as a person of integrity. If you have an issue with someone, take it to them. If you can't take it to them, let it go.
Trustworthiness isn't a badge you wear; it's a shadow you cast. It follows you. If you want to change the shadow, you have to change the shape of the person standing in the light. Stop worrying about your "personal brand" and start worrying about your character. One is a mask, the other is the face. People can always tell the difference eventually.