Sheila Heti didn't just write a book; she dropped a bomb on the literary world in 2012 and we're still kind of picking up the shrapnel. How Should a Person Be is a title that sounds like a dry philosophy 101 textbook, but the actual text is anything but. It’s a "novel from life." It’s a mess of real emails, transcribed tape recordings, and scenes that feel so uncomfortably intimate you almost want to look away.
People often mistake this book for a narcissistic diary. That's a mistake.
Honestly, if you go into it expecting a traditional plot with a beginning, middle, and a tidy little lesson at the end, you're going to be annoyed. The book follows "Sheila," a fictionalized version of Heti herself, as she struggles to write a play she’s been commissioned to finish. She’s stuck. She’s divorced. She’s obsessed with her friend Margaux, a painter who seems to have this "being a person" thing figured out much better than she does.
The Myth of the "Self-Help" Novel
You’ve probably seen it categorized as a self-help book. That’s sorta true but mostly a joke. Heti uses the structure of a self-help manual to mock our collective obsession with self-improvement.
The central conflict isn't about solving a problem. It’s about the friction between two women trying to be artists in a world that mostly wants them to be "good" or "nice." Sheila starts recording her conversations with Margaux Williamson (a real-life painter and Heti's actual friend) because she wants to steal Margaux's essence. She wants to figure out how Margaux talks, how she thinks, and how she exists without the paralyzing self-doubt that Sheila carries around like a heavy backpack.
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It’s predatory. It’s beautiful. It’s deeply weird.
Why the "Ugly Painting" Matters
There is a specific scene where Margaux and another friend, Sholem, have a contest to see who can make the ugliest painting. This isn't just a quirky anecdote. It’s the thesis of the book.
In a world obsessed with curated Instagram aesthetics—even back in 2012 when the book hit the mainstream—Heti was arguing for the "ugly." She was saying that being a person involves the gross parts. The part where you're obsessed with a guy who treats you like a "blow-job machine" (looking at you, Israel). The part where you're jealous of your best friend's success. The part where you're lazy and pretentious.
Sheila Heti and the Birth of Modern Autofiction
Before every second debut novel was called "autofiction," there was How Should a Person Be. Heti paved the way for writers like Rachel Cusk and Ottessa Moshfegh by breaking the wall between the author and the protagonist.
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- Reality TV Influence: Heti has famously cited The Hills as a major influence. She loved the "constructed reality" of it.
- The Tape Recorder: Using actual transcripts makes the dialogue feel "flat" in a way that is strikingly realistic. Real people don't talk in perfect prose. We ramble. We say "like" and "um" and repeat ourselves.
- Biblical Structure: The book is divided into "acts" and uses numbered emails that mimic Bible verses. It’s a high-low mix of the divine and the banal.
Is it a memoir? Not exactly. Is it a novel? Sort of.
The genius of How Should a Person Be is that it refuses to pick a lane. It acknowledges that our identities are mostly just performances anyway. When Sheila goes to a "Miss Middlebrow" pageant or gets a job at a hair salon just to "see what it’s like," she’s trying on personalities like clothes.
Dealing With the Backlash
A lot of critics hated this book. They called it "navel-gazing" and "vapid." James Wood, a heavy-hitter critic, was famously skeptical of its "emotional age."
But that's exactly why it still matters. It captures the specific anxiety of being in your late 20s or 30s and realizing you still don't feel like an "adult." It’s an honest look at the narcissism required to be an artist. You have to believe your own life is interesting enough to record, even when you’re just sitting in a messy apartment in Toronto eating cereal.
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Actionable Insights for the Modern Reader
If you're picking up How Should a Person Be for the first time, or revisiting it in the age of 2026's digital exhaustion, here is how to actually get something out of it:
- Stop looking for "likable" characters. Sheila and Margaux are often annoying. That is the point. If you only read about people you’d want to grab a beer with, you’re missing out on half of human experience.
- Pay attention to the "Invariables." Margaux tells Sheila that people have variables and invariables. Figure out who your "invariables" are—the people who stay through the mess.
- Embrace the "Ugly Painting" philosophy. Stop trying to curate a perfect life. The "saving grace" in art, as the book suggests, is the "touch" of the creator, which is usually found in the mistakes.
- Read it as a time capsule. It captures a specific moment in the Toronto art scene, but the questions about fame, friendship, and "how to be" are universal.
Basically, the answer to the titular question—how should a person be?—is that there is no answer. We’re all just slamming the ball around the squash court without knowing the rules. And honestly? That's probably the most honest answer anyone has ever given.
If you're struggling with your own "creative block" or just feeling like a fake human, give it a read. It won't solve your life, but it’ll make you feel a lot less alone in the mess.
Next Steps for Deepening Your Understanding:
Start a "daily transcript" for three days. Record a five-minute conversation with a close friend (with their permission) and transcribe it word-for-word. Notice the gaps between how you think you sound and how you actually sound. This is the "mush" inside the cocoon that Heti explores—the raw material of being a person before it gets polished into a "personality."