We’re all running a race we didn’t sign up for. Seriously. You wake up, check your phone, see someone on LinkedIn announcing a "personal milestone," see an influencer eating a salad in Bali, and suddenly your own life feels like a draft version that never got published. It’s exhausting. Most people are busy following a script written by someone else, and honestly, that’s exactly how not to live your life.
The problem is that our brains are wired for social mimicry. We see what others want, and we decide we want it too. It’s called mimetic desire, a concept popularized by the late Stanford professor René Girard. He argued that we don't actually know what to want, so we look at our neighbors. If they want the promotion, the Tesla, or the minimalist apartment, we start craving those things too. But here’s the kicker: achieving those things often feels empty because they weren't our desires to begin with. They were just copies.
The Perfectionism Loop is a Death Sentence
You’ve probably met someone who is waiting for the "perfect time" to start something. Maybe it’s you. You’re waiting until you have $50k in the bank, or until the kids are out of the house, or until you feel "ready."
That’s a lie.
Perfectionism is just procrastination in a fancy suit. It’s a defense mechanism. If you never finish the project, it can’t be judged. If you never launch the business, it can’t fail. Dr. Brené Brown, who has spent decades studying vulnerability, often points out that perfectionism is the ultimate weight to carry around. It’s not about self-improvement; it’s about seeking approval.
Think about the "hustle culture" era of the 2010s. We were told to "grind" until our eyes bled. But look at the data coming out now. The World Health Organization officially recognized "burnout" as an occupational phenomenon in 2019. It’s not a badge of honor. It’s a clinical breakdown. If you are living your life as a series of tasks to be optimized, you aren't living; you're just functioning like a piece of software.
Stop optimizing your hobbies. You don't need to monetize your knitting. You don't need to track your sleep quality on three different devices. Sometimes, the best way to spend a Saturday is to do absolutely nothing productive and feel zero guilt about it.
Living for the "Someday" Version of Yourself
We all do it.
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"I’ll be happy when I lose ten pounds."
"I’ll start traveling when I’m retired."
"I'll focus on my mental health after this big project is over."
This is a classic cognitive trap called "arrival fallacy." It’s the belief that once you reach a certain destination, you’ll reach a state of sustained happiness. But the human brain doesn't work that way. We have something called the hedonic treadmill. We get the thing, we get a spike of dopamine, and then we return to our baseline level of happiness almost immediately.
If you want a masterclass in how not to live your life, just keep pushing your happiness into the future. It’s like chasing the horizon. You can walk for a thousand miles, but the horizon stays exactly the same distance away.
Harvard psychologist Tal Ben-Shahar coined the term arrival fallacy after seeing high achievers—athletes, CEOs, celebrities—reach the pinnacle of their careers and then fall into deep depressions. Why? Because they thought the "arrival" would fix their internal problems. It didn't.
The Cost of Saying "Yes" to Everything
Social obligation is a silent killer. We say yes to the brunch we don't want to go to. We say yes to the extra project at work because we’re afraid of looking lazy. We say yes to family traditions that make us miserable.
Every time you say "yes" to something you don't care about, you are saying "no" to something you do. You have a finite amount of time. About 4,000 weeks if you're lucky enough to live to 80. That’s it. Oliver Burkeman wrote a fantastic book on this called Four Thousand Weeks. He argues that the more we try to "get on top of things," the more things we find to do. Efficiency just creates more work.
The real skill isn't time management. It’s disappointment management. You have to be okay with disappointing people. You have to be okay with leaving emails unread. You have to be okay with not being "everything" to "everyone."
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The Comparison Trap in the Digital Age
Social media is basically a curated highlight reel of everyone’s best moments. You know this. I know this. Yet, at 11:00 PM, when you’re scrolling through Instagram, your lizard brain forgets.
You compare your "behind-the-scenes" footage with their "director's cut."
There was a study published in the Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology that linked social media use to increased depression and loneliness. It’s not just the content; it’s the act of comparison. When you live your life based on how it looks to others rather than how it feels to you, you’ve lost the plot.
I think about the "quiet quitting" trend or the "soft life" movement. While some people mock them, they are actually a reaction to decades of people realizing they lived their lives for a corporate ladder that didn't even have a top. People are finally realizing that a mid-range salary and a peaceful Tuesday night are worth more than a high-stress VP title and a stomach ulcer.
Avoiding Discomfort at All Costs
This is a big one. We live in an era of unprecedented comfort. We have apps for everything. Air conditioning. Instant entertainment.
But a life spent avoiding discomfort is a very small life.
Growth happens in the "stretch zone." If you stay in your comfort zone, you stagnate. If you jump into the "panic zone," you break. But that middle ground—where things are a little scary, a little awkward, and a little difficult—that’s where the magic is.
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If you’re wondering how not to live your life, just stay perfectly comfortable. Never have the hard conversation. Never try the sport you might be bad at. Never travel to a country where you don't speak the language. You’ll be safe. But you’ll be bored out of your mind.
The Myth of the "Right" Path
There is no "right" path. There’s just the path you’re on.
We spend so much time paralyzed by choice. We call it "analysis paralysis." Should I stay in this city? Should I change careers? Should I marry this person?
The truth is, most decisions are reversible. And for the ones that aren't, worrying about them doesn't change the outcome. We act like life is a math problem with a single correct answer at the back of the book. It’s not. It’s more like a painting where you can keep adding layers and colors until it looks like something you recognize.
Practical Steps to Stop Living the Wrong Way
If you’ve realized you’re living a life that doesn't feel like yours, you don't have to blow everything up tomorrow. You just have to start making different choices in the small moments.
- Audit your "shoulds." Take a piece of paper. Write down everything you think you "should" do this week. Then, look at each item and ask: "Who told me I should do this?" If the answer is "society" or "my mom" or "my boss," and it doesn't align with your values, see if you can cross it off.
- Practice "JOMO" (Joy of Missing Out). Intentionally say no to something. Feel the initial spike of anxiety. Let it pass. Notice that the world didn't end because you didn't go to that party.
- Stop waiting for permission. No one is going to come tap you on the shoulder and say, "Okay, now you’re allowed to be yourself." You have to just start.
- Invest in real-world relationships. Digital friends are great, but they don't bring you soup when you're sick. Put the phone down. Go sit across from someone and look them in the eye.
- Accept your limitations. You cannot do everything. You cannot be everyone. You are a finite human being with limited energy. Pick three things that actually matter to you and let the rest be "good enough" or even "bad."
The goal isn't to be "happy" every second of the day. That’s another trap. The goal is to be present. To be the one actually driving your own car, even if you’re driving it into a ditch occasionally. At least it was your choice to turn the wheel.
Stop living for a future version of yourself that doesn't exist yet. Stop living for a past version of yourself that you've outgrown. Just be here. It’s the only place you can actually do anything.
Start by identifying one area of your life where you are currently performing for an audience. Maybe it's the way you dress, the way you speak in meetings, or the goals you've set for your fitness. Once you find that "performance," stop. Do it your way for one day. See how it feels. That's the first step toward living a life that actually belongs to you.