You know that feeling when you break up with someone, but they’re still... there? It isn't just a memory. It’s like an invisible bungee cord is strapped to your chest, and every time you try to walk away, you get yanked back into their orbit. People call it a soul tie. It’s a term that gets thrown around a lot in religious circles and TikTok therapy sessions, but whether you view it through a spiritual lens or a psychological one, the experience is real. It’s heavy.
So, how is a soul tie formed?
Honestly, it isn't some mystical accident that happens overnight. It’s built. It’s forged through intensity, repetition, and a specific kind of vulnerability that most of us don't even realize we're giving away until the connection is already solidified.
The Chemistry of Connection
Science doesn't usually use the phrase "soul tie," but it has plenty to say about "limbic resonance" and "bonding hormones." When you spend a lot of time with someone, especially in a romantic or sexual context, your brain starts a chemical construction project.
Oxytocin is the big player here. Often called the "cuddle hormone," it’s released during touch, eye contact, and orgasm. It’s designed by evolution to make you stay. It’s what helps mothers bond with infants, and it’s what makes you feel like you belong to your partner. When you have repeated physical intimacy with someone, you aren't just swapping DNA; you’re flooding your brain with a chemical that screams, This person is your tribe. This person is safe. But what happens when they aren't safe?
That’s where the "tie" becomes a "tangle." If the oxytocin is flowing but the relationship is toxic, your brain gets confused. You feel a soul-level pull toward someone who your logical mind knows is a disaster. It’s a literal chemical addiction.
Intense Emotional Vulnerability
Sex is the most common answer people give when asking how a soul tie is formed, but it isn't the only way. You can have a soul tie with a best friend, a mentor, or even a parent. These are often formed through "trauma bonding."
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If you've ever shared your darkest secrets with someone—the stuff you've never told your therapist—you’ve opened a door. When two people go through a high-stress event together, their nervous systems sync up. Dr. Judith Herman, a psychiatrist at Harvard Medical School, has written extensively about how "terror, intermittent reward, and isolation" create bonds that are incredibly difficult to break. It’s why people stay in cults. It’s why people stay with abusive partners.
You share a foxhole with someone, and suddenly, your survival feels tied to theirs. That’s a soul tie. It’s forged in the fire of shared pain.
The Role of Vows and Promises
We often underestimate the power of our own words. Think about the stuff people say in the heat of a "forever" moment.
- "I'll never love anyone else."
- "We're soulmates, no matter what."
- "I'd die without you."
Words carry weight. In many spiritual traditions, these are seen as "covenants." You’re essentially signing a spiritual contract. Even if you don't believe in the supernatural, saying these things out loud sets a deep psychological blueprint. You’ve told your subconscious that this person is permanent. When the relationship ends, your subconscious is still trying to honor the contract you signed at 2:00 AM three years ago.
How is a Soul Tie Formed Through Shared Habits?
It’s the boring stuff, too. The daily rituals.
The way you both drink your coffee. The "good morning" text that you’ve sent every single day for two years. The way you’ve integrated your schedules so tightly that you don't know who you are without the other person’s input.
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This creates a neural pathway.
Your brain likes efficiency. It builds "short-cuts" based on the people around you. When that person leaves, those neural pathways don't just disappear. They fire and find nothing at the end of the line. That "phantom limb" sensation you get after a breakup? That’s the soul tie manifesting as a neurological glitch. You are literally wired to them.
The Misconception of "Twin Flames"
Let’s get real for a second. A lot of people use the idea of soul ties to justify staying in situations that are hurting them. They think, Oh, we have a soul tie, so I have to make this work. No.
Just because a tie exists doesn't mean it’s healthy. A knot is a tie, but it can also choke you. Experts in relationship psychology often point out that the most "passionate" or "soulful" connections are actually just our own unhealed wounds recognizing someone else's unhealed wounds. It’s what Harville Hendrix calls "Imago Relationship Therapy"—the idea that we seek out people who trigger our childhood traumas so we can try to "fix" them this time around.
That "magnetic" pull isn't always destiny. Sometimes it’s just your trauma looking for a mirror.
Breaking the Connection
If you feel like you’re stuck in a connection that’s draining your life force, you need to know it isn't permanent. You can untie the knot.
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First, you have to stop the "feeding." Every time you check their Instagram, every time you "accidentally" drive by their house, every time you sleep with them "one last time," you are reinforcing the tie. You’re pouring fresh concrete on a structure you’re trying to demolish.
Second, recognize the difference between love and attachment. Love is a choice; a soul tie is often a compulsion.
Third, do the "boring" healing work.
- Go No Contact. This isn't just a trend; it’s a neurological necessity to let your brain chemicals reset.
- Physical De-cluttering. Get rid of the hoodie. Delete the photos. Your environment needs to stop triggering those old neural pathways.
- Internal Dialogue. Start vocally "rescinding" those promises you made. If you said "I'll never leave," tell yourself, "I am allowed to leave things that hurt me."
Practical Next Steps for Emotional Detachment
If you're currently feeling the weight of an unhealthy soul tie, start with these three concrete actions:
- Audit your digital intake. Mute or block their name on all social media platforms. Your brain needs a "fast" from their image and voice to lower the dopamine spikes that keep the bond alive.
- Write a "Reality Letter." List every time they disrespected you, lied, or made you feel small. Keep this list on your phone. Whenever you feel that "soulful" pull of nostalgia, read the list. It forces your logical brain to override the emotional "tie."
- Focus on Somatic Grounding. Soul ties often feel "airy" or "spiritual." Get back into your body. Exercise, cold showers, or weighted blankets help signal to your nervous system that you are safe in your own skin, independent of anyone else's presence.
Ultimately, a soul tie is formed when we give pieces of our identity away to another person. Healing is simply the process of gathering those pieces back up and realizing they still belong to you. It takes time, and it’s usually messy, but the cord can be cut.