You’re staring at your phone. It’s been three minutes. You’ve reread the same mundane text about grocery lists four times, and for some reason, you’re grinning like an idiot. It’s weird. You might be wondering, how can you tell that you're in love or if you’ve just had too much caffeine and a decent run of sleep.
Most people think love is this cinematic explosion. It’s not always like that. Sometimes it’s a quiet, annoying realization that you’d rather be stuck in a traffic jam with this specific person than be anywhere else on earth with anyone else.
It’s messy. It’s biological. It’s a literal chemical hijack of your brain.
The Dopamine Trap and Your Brain on Fire
When you’re falling, your brain looks remarkably similar to someone on a cocaine bender. That’s not hyperbole. Dr. Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist who has spent decades putting people in fMRI machines, found that the ventral tegmental area (VTA) lights up like a Christmas tree when people look at photos of someone they love.
The VTA is the reward system. It’s the part of your brain that focuses on wanting, craving, and focus. You aren't just "liking" them. You are biologically addicted.
This is why you lose your appetite. Or why you can suddenly stay up until 4:00 AM talking when you usually crash at 10:00 PM. Your body is pumping out norepinephrine, which is basically natural speed. It makes you alert. It makes you hyper-fixated. Honestly, it’s a miracle we get anything done at all during the honeymoon phase. If you find yourself obsessively checking their Instagram story or remembering exactly what color shirt they wore three Tuesdays ago, don’t worry. You aren't a stalker. You’re just experiencing the high-energy phase of early-stage romantic love.
Beyond the Butterflies: The "Boring" Signs
Butterflies are just anxiety with a better PR team. If you want to know how can you tell that you're in love for real—the kind of love that lasts past the three-month mark—you have to look at the boring stuff.
Are you "including" them in your sense of self?
Psychologists call this "Inclusion of Other in the Self." It sounds clinical, but it’s actually beautiful. You start saying "we" without thinking. Your goals start to shift. Their success feels like your success. If they get a promotion, you aren’t jealous; you’re ecstatic.
There’s also the "proprioception" of presence. You know where they are in a room without looking. It’s a weird sensory tether. You’re at a party, talking to someone else, but a part of your brain is constantly tracking their location like a GPS.
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The Conflict Test
Lust is easy. Lust is when everything is perfect. Love is how you feel when they’re being a total jerk or when they’ve forgotten to do the dishes for the fifth time this week.
According to Dr. John Gottman, a famous relationship researcher who can predict divorce with scary accuracy, it’s not the absence of conflict that defines love. It’s how you repair. If you find yourself wanting to solve the problem rather than "win" the argument, that’s a massive indicator. When you’re in love, the relationship becomes more important than your ego.
You actually care about their perspective, even when it’s annoying. You want to understand why they’re upset. You aren't looking for the exit door the moment things get "heavy."
It’s Not Just About How They Make You Feel
A huge misconception is that love is about how they make you feel. "He makes me feel like a queen." "She makes me feel seen."
Sure, that’s part of it.
But real love is also about how you feel about them. Do you respect them? Not just like them—do you actually admire their character? When you see them fail, is your first instinct to judge or to shield?
Compassionate love involves a high level of empathy. If they’re hurting, you feel a physical pang in your chest. This is because of mirror neurons. In a bonded pair, your brains start to sync up. You literally feel their stress. If their pain feels like your pain, you’ve moved past the "dating" phase and into the "I’m in deep" phase.
The "Is This Lust?" Reality Check
Let’s be real. It’s easy to confuse the two.
Lust is intense and immediate. It’s focused on the physical. It’s the "I want to rip your clothes off" feeling. Love includes that, but it adds the "I want to hear about your childhood trauma and also help you fold your laundry" feeling.
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One way to tell the difference is the "Post-Coital Test." How do you feel right after the physical intimacy is over? If you want to leave or look at your phone, it might just be chemistry. If you want to stay, cuddle, and talk about nothing, you’re likely falling.
Emotional Safety and the "Ugly" Side
Can you be gross around them?
Seriously.
If you’re still hiding your morning breath or refusing to let them see you with a stomach flu, you might be in "idealization." Love is when the mask slips. It’s when you realize they have weird habits, and instead of being a dealbreaker, it’s just... them.
You feel safe.
Safety is the most underrated part of being in love. It’s the feeling that you can say something stupid or admit a failure without being judged. It’s the absence of the "performance." If you’ve stopped performing and started just being, that’s a huge green flag.
The Shift in Your Internal Narrative
Watch your thoughts.
When you see something funny, is your first thought, "I have to tell [Name]"?
When you’re planning your life five years from now, are they just... there? You didn't even have to invite them into the vision; they were already standing in the kitchen of your imaginary future house.
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This isn't just about "missing" them. Missing someone is easy. It’s about the integration of their existence into your daily narrative. They become the primary audience for your life.
Why It’s Scary (And That’s Okay)
Being in love is terrifying. It’s a total loss of control. You are giving someone else the power to absolutely wreck your week with a single sentence.
If you feel a mix of euphoria and mild panic, you’re doing it right. Vulnerability is the price of admission. Brené Brown has talked extensively about this—you cannot have true connection without the risk of being hurt. If you find yourself willing to take that risk, despite your better judgment, you’ve probably already crossed the line.
Practical Signs You Should Look For
If you’re still unsure, look for these specific behaviors in yourself:
- The Sacrifice Factor: You find yourself doing things you hate (like watching a specific genre of movie or going to a certain restaurant) just because seeing them happy makes you happy. This isn't people-pleasing; it’s genuine altruism.
- The Time Warp: Time spent together feels like five minutes, but time apart feels like five years.
- Physical Mirroring: You start picking up their slang or sitting the way they sit.
- Protective Instincts: You feel a fierce urge to defend them, even if they can handle themselves.
- The "Ordinary" Magic: Doing mundane tasks like grocery shopping or cleaning the garage feels fun because they are there.
What to Do Next
So, you’ve realized it. You’re in love. Now what?
Don't panic. And honestly, don't rush to shout it from the rooftops if you aren't ready.
Take a second to just sit with the feeling. Enjoy the dopamine. But also, start looking at the compatibility. Love is the fuel, but compatibility is the engine. You can love someone deeply and still not be a good match for a long-term life together.
Pay attention to the following:
- Check your values: Do you actually want the same things out of life?
- Monitor the "We" vs "Me": Ensure you aren't losing your entire identity in the process.
- Communication: Start practicing being vulnerable now. If you’re in love, you owe it to the relationship to be honest about how you feel.
Love is a choice as much as it is a feeling. The feeling gets you in the door, but the choice is what keeps you in the room. If you’re asking how can you tell that you're in love, you likely already know the answer. You’re just looking for permission to believe it.
Believe it. It’s the best kind of chaos.
To move forward, stop analyzing the "signs" and start focusing on the "actions." Look at how you show up for them on their worst days, not just their best ones. Consistency over time is the only true way to validate what your brain is telling you right now.