Ever feel like everyone is just... out for blood lately? It isn't just you. You’ve probably noticed it at the grocery store, in the comments section, or while sitting in traffic. People are prickly. They’re reactive. Honestly, they’re just plain mean.
In late 2023, David Brooks released a massive essay in The Atlantic titled "How America Got Mean," and it set the internet on fire. It wasn't just another "kids these days" rant. Brooks was trying to figure out why the social fabric of the United States feels like it’s being shredded by a cheese grater. He looked at the skyrocketing rates of "deaths of despair," the plummeting trust in institutions, and the way we've replaced neighborhood potlucks with political tribalism.
The core of his argument? We stopped teaching people how to be good.
The Moral Vacuum: Why We Are All So Touchy
Brooks argues that for about 150 years, American life was obsessed with something called "moral formation." This wasn't just about religion, though that was a big part of it. It was a massive network of institutions—the Boy Scouts, the YMCA, local PTAs, Sunday schools—that all shared a common goal: turning selfish children into decent citizens.
They taught kids that they were "flawed creatures" who needed to restrain their impulses. It was a social curriculum. You learned how to sit with a grieving neighbor. You learned how to disagree without trying to destroy the other person's life.
Then, somewhere around the mid-20th century, we swapped that out. We moved toward "ethos of privatization."
We started telling people that morality wasn't something you learned from your community, but something you found deep inside yourself. "You do you." "Follow your heart." It sounds nice, doesn't it? But Brooks says it left us "morally naked." When you have no external moral compass, you become what psychologists call a vulnerable narcissist.
You aren't the arrogant "grandiose" narcissist who thinks they’re a god. Instead, you're the kind who is deeply insecure, hyper-sensitive to rejection, and constantly scanning for signs of disrespect. When you feel small and invisible, you lash out.
How America Got Mean (and why politics won't fix it)
If you don't have a moral framework to give your life meaning, you’re going to find one somewhere else. Brooks points out that we’ve filled this vacuum with hyper-politicization.
Politics used to be about resource allocation—who gets the bridge, who pays the taxes. Now, it's about identity and validation. We join "partisan tribes" not just to pass laws, but to feel like we belong to a group of "good people" fighting the "bad people."
- Charity is down: In 2000, two-thirds of households gave to charity. By 2018, that number dropped below half.
- Mental health is cratering: Between 2009 and 2021, the percentage of high schoolers reporting persistent sadness rose from 26% to 44%.
- Social trust is gone: We no longer assume the person across from us has good intentions. We assume they’re a threat.
Brooks isn't saying the "good old days" were perfect. He acknowledges that those old moral institutions were often exclusionary, racist, or sexist. But he argues that when we tore them down to fix their flaws, we didn't build anything to replace them. We just left a hole.
Is the "Meanness" Actually an Illusion?
Not everyone agrees with Brooks. Critics often point out that while we might feel like things are meaner, some metrics tell a different story.
For instance, some argue that what Brooks calls "meanness" is actually a long-overdue "un-repression." Groups that were historically silenced—women, people of color, LGBTQ+ individuals—are finally standing up and demanding respect. To the people who used to benefit from the old, quiet status quo, this "standing up" feels like conflict or rudeness.
There's also the "zero-sum depravity" theory. This suggests humans have always been mean, but we used to hide it better. Maybe we were mean to our spouses behind closed doors and polite to the waiter in public. Now, we're polite to our "tribe" and absolutely vicious to "the others" on social media.
Practical Steps to Stop Being Part of the Problem
If Brooks is right, the solution isn't just "passing a law" or "winning an election." It’s a ground-up rebuilding of how we interact with each other. Here is how you can actually apply this perspective to your own life:
- Practice "Moral Literacy": Stop asking "How do I feel about this?" and start asking "What is my responsibility here?" Reintroduce words like virtue, honor, and obligation into your internal monologue.
- Commit to a "Weaving" Institution: David Brooks often talks about "weavers"—people who build community. Join a local club, a volunteer group, or a neighborhood association that has nothing to do with politics. Force yourself to interact with people who don't share your "tribe."
- Learn the "Skills of Consideration": These are the boring, old-school social graces. Learning how to listen without interrupting, how to offer a sincere apology without "if" or "but," and how to host a guest.
- Audit Your Consumption: If the media you consume makes you feel "emotionally validated" by shaming the other side, it's not news; it's a hit of dopamine that's making you meaner.
The goal isn't to go back to 1950. That's impossible and, for many, undesirable. The goal is to build a modern version of character education that works for a diverse, 21st-century world. We need institutions that teach us how to be "acceptable at a dance and invaluable in a shipwreck."
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Start by choosing to see the person in front of you as a soul to be encountered, rather than a problem to be solved or an enemy to be defeated. It’s a small, quiet shift, but it’s the only way the temperature ever starts to go down.
Next Steps for "Re-Moralizing" Your Life:
- Read the Source: Find David Brooks’ original essay "How America Got Mean" in The Atlantic (September 2023 issue) to see his full historical breakdown.
- Evaluate Your "Third Places": Identify one physical location—a gym, a library, a church, a park—where you can interact with neighbors face-to-face this week.
- Practice Intellectual Humility: The next time you feel a surge of "righteous" anger online, wait ten minutes before responding. Ask yourself if your response aims to heal or to humiliate.