Marriage isn't always a straight line. Sometimes it’s a circle. You find yourself standing in the kitchen, staring at a half-empty jar of clover honey, wondering how a relationship that started with so much sweetness turned into a legal and emotional labyrinth. You might even find yourself typing honey why can't we get a divorce into a search bar at 2:00 AM because the exit door feels jammed. It’s a heavy question. It’s also more common than people like to admit in public.
Usually, when someone asks this, they aren't looking for a dictionary definition of "dissolution of marriage." They are feeling trapped. Maybe it's the law. Maybe it's the money. Often, it's the kids or just a paralyzing fear of what happens when the "we" becomes "me." Honestly, the "why" behind being unable to divorce is rarely about a single thing. It’s a messy pile of legal requirements, financial anchors, and psychological barriers that make "just leaving" feel impossible.
The Legal Roadblocks You Didn't See Coming
The law doesn't always make it easy to say goodbye. Depending on where you live, there are actual "waiting periods" that can feel like a lifetime. In some states, like North Carolina or South Carolina, you generally have to live separately and apart for a full year before you can even file. That’s 365 days of being legally tied to someone you might not even want to share a zip code with.
Then there’s the concept of "fault" versus "no-fault." While every state in the U.S. now offers some form of no-fault divorce, some jurisdictions still have quirks. If one person refuses to sign the papers, it doesn’t necessarily stop the divorce, but it slows it down to a crawl. You’re basically stuck in a procedural purgatory. It’s frustrating. You want out, the other person is dragging their feet, and the court system moves with the speed of cold molasses.
Contested divorces are the biggest reason people feel they "can't" get one. If you can’t agree on who gets the house or how to split the retirement accounts, you’re headed for a trial. Trials are expensive. We are talking tens of thousands of dollars. For many, the answer to honey why can't we get a divorce is simply: "Because I can't afford the retainer fee for a high-end litigator."
The Financial Anchor: Why Money Keeps People Together
Let’s talk about the "Golden Handcuffs." It’s a term often used in business, but it applies to marriage too. You’ve built a life. You have a mortgage at a 3% interest rate that you’ll never see again. You have shared health insurance. Maybe one of you stayed home to raise the kids and doesn’t have a recent career history.
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The math of divorce is brutal.
When you split one household into two, your expenses don't just double; they often triple. You need two sets of kitchen gear, two rent payments, and two utility bills. For a lot of couples, staying in a mediocre or even a bad marriage is a survival strategy. It’s a choice between being unhappy together or being broke alone. This financial entrapment is a massive reason why people feel stuck.
Specific costs to consider:
- Mediation fees: Often cheaper than court but still hundreds per hour.
- Refinancing: If you keep the house, you have to buy the other person out. At today's rates, that's a nightmare.
- Health Insurance: COBRA is famously expensive, and losing a spouse's plan can be a dealbreaker if you have chronic health issues.
The Psychological "Honey" Trap
Why the word "honey"? Because it’s sweet, it’s sticky, and it’s hard to wash off. Sometimes the reason you can’t get a divorce isn't a judge or a bank account. It’s the intermittent reinforcement of the "good days." You have a terrible month, but then you have one morning where you laugh over coffee, and suddenly the divorce papers feel like an overreaction.
Trauma bonding is a real thing. Experts like Dr. Patrick Carnes have written extensively about how cycles of abuse and reconciliation create a chemical bond in the brain that’s similar to addiction. You feel like you can't leave because your brain is waiting for the next "hit" of validation or peace.
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There’s also the "Sunk Cost Fallacy." You’ve put fifteen years into this. You’ve endured the bad holidays and the boring dinners. Admitting it’s over feels like admitting those fifteen years were a waste. (Pro tip: They weren't. They were just a chapter, but our brains hate losing "investments.")
When Kids Become the "Why"
We’ve all heard the phrase "staying together for the kids." It’s more complex than a cliché. For many, the thought of only seeing their children 50% of the time—or missing every other Christmas—is a physical pain.
Studies on the impact of divorce on children are nuanced. While researchers like Judith Wallerstein have highlighted the long-term psychological effects of divorce, other experts argue that high-conflict marriages are actually more damaging to children than a peaceful divorce. But when you’re in the middle of it, that data doesn’t matter. You just see your kid’s face and decide to stay one more year.
The Cultural and Religious Pressure
In some communities, divorce is still a massive taboo. If your entire social circle, your parents, and your place of worship view divorce as a failure or a sin, the "why" becomes social survival. You aren't just divorcing a spouse; you're divorcing a community. That isolation is terrifying.
Some religious contracts, like a get in Jewish law or certain ecclesiastical annulments in Catholicism, add another layer of complexity. If your spouse won't grant a religious divorce, you might be legally single but religiously bound, which prevents remarriage within your faith. It’s a specific kind of "stuck" that most secular people don't even consider.
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Practical Realities: Can’t vs. Won’t
There is a big difference between "I literally cannot get a divorce" and "The consequences of divorce are too high."
If you are being physically prevented from leaving, that is a domestic violence situation. That isn't a "divorce" problem; it's a safety crisis. Organizations like the National Domestic Violence Hotline (800-799-7233) exist because "can't leave" in those cases is about physical barriers and threats.
But for most, the "can't" is a combination of:
- Lack of a clear exit plan.
- Fear of the unknown.
- Bureaucratic red tape.
- Total exhaustion.
You’re tired. Fighting for a divorce takes a lot of energy. Sometimes it’s easier to just exist in the status quo than to initiate a multi-year legal battle.
Actionable Steps to Move Forward
If you feel like you're stuck in the honey why can't we get a divorce loop, you need to stop thinking about the "why" and start looking at the "how."
- Audit your "Can'ts": Sit down and write out exactly what is stopping you. Is it a specific dollar amount? Is it a specific law? Is it the fear of your mother’s reaction? Once you name the monster, it gets smaller.
- Consult a professional quietly: You don't have to file for divorce to talk to a lawyer. Many offer a one-hour consultation. Find out what the actual laws are in your state. Don't rely on what your friend's cousin said happened in their divorce in 2014.
- Build a "Freedom Fund": If the barrier is financial, start a separate bank account. Even if you only put $20 a week in it, you are psychologically telling yourself that an exit is possible.
- Seek a "Discernment Counselor": This is a specific type of therapy for couples where one person wants a divorce and the other doesn't. It’s not about "fixing" the marriage; it’s about deciding whether to fix it or end it.
- Gather your documents: Knowledge is power. Know where the tax returns are. Know how much is in the 401k. Know what the house is worth. Fear thrives in the dark; data shines a light.
The reality is that almost everyone can get a divorce eventually. The "can't" is usually a temporary state of being under-resourced or overwhelmed. By breaking the obstacles down into logistical hurdles rather than emotional mountains, the path out becomes a lot clearer. It’s not about the honey anymore; it’s about the life you want to live after the jar is empty.