You’ve been there. Someone asks you a direct question—maybe it’s about where you want to eat for dinner or whether you’re ready to commit to a massive life change—and your brain just stalls. You start making these vague, non-committal noises. You’re stalling. You are, quite literally, hemming and hawing.
It’s a funny-sounding phrase. It feels old-fashioned, like something a grandfather would say while leaning over a picket fence, yet we still use it every single day to describe that awkward dance of indecision. But where did it actually come from? The hemming and hawing origin isn't just one single "aha!" moment in a dictionary. It’s actually a messy, centuries-long evolution of how humans try to fill silence when they’re nervous, unsure, or just plain stubborn.
Honestly, it’s about the sounds we make when we aren't actually saying anything at all.
The "Hem" in the Hesitation
Let’s look at "hem" first. Most people hear that word and think of a pair of pants. You shorten the fabric, you sew the edge, you’re done. But the linguistic root here is totally different. This "hem" is what linguists call an onomatopoeia. It’s a vocalization.
Back in the 1500s, "hem" was basically the written version of clearing your throat. Think of that sharp, slightly annoying ahem sound someone makes when they’re trying to get your attention without actually being rude enough to interrupt. By the time the 16th century rolled around, writers like John Heywood—who was famous for collecting proverbs—were already using "hem" to describe a sort of vocal stalling tactic.
It wasn't just about clearing a literal blockage in the throat. It was about clearing a path for a thought that hadn't quite arrived yet. If you "hemmed," you were basically signaling to the person across from you that you were about to speak, even if you had no idea what was going to come out of your mouth. It’s a social buffer. It’s a way to keep the "floor" in a conversation while your internal processor is running at 100% capacity trying to find an answer that won't get you in trouble.
What on Earth is a "Haw"?
Then there’s "hawing." This one is even more primal.
If you go back to the 1600s, "haw" was used to describe the sound of a hesitant speaker. It’s that low, gutteral "haw-haw-haw" or "humm-haw" sound. Imagine a politician trying to dodge a question about taxes in the year 1650. He’s not saying "uh" or "um" because those modern fillers hadn't quite taken their current shape in the English lexicon yet. Instead, he’s "hawing."
There is a very cool connection here to old-school teamster language, too. In the world of driving oxen or horses, "haw" was a command used to tell the animals to turn left. "Gee" meant turn right. When a driver was indecisive or the animals were confused, they might get stuck in a loop of commands. While etymologists generally agree that the "haw" in "hemming and hawing" is primarily imitative of a vocal stutter, the overlap with the confusion of steering a stubborn animal is a great way to visualize what’s happening in a human brain during a moment of indecision. You’re trying to pull yourself in two directions at once. You’re stuck.
The Marriage of the Two Terms
Language loves pairs. We love "spick and span," "kith and kin," and "to and fro." These are called irreversible binomials. You never say "hawing and hemming." It just sounds wrong. The two words officially got "married" in the common vernacular around the late 1700s and early 1800s.
By the 19th century, the phrase had become a staple of Victorian literature to describe someone who was being shifty or unconfident. If a suitor was hemming and hawing about asking for a lady’s hand in marriage, he was viewed as weak-willed. In the world of business, it was a sign of a bad negotiator.
But why do we still do it?
Modern linguistics suggests that filler phrases—which is essentially what hemming and hawing is—serve a vital cognitive function. According to researchers like Herbert Clark from Stanford University, these "disfluencies" aren't just mistakes. They are signals. When you hem and haw, you are telling your listener, "I am still working on this, please don't interrupt me yet." It’s a way of holding your place in the social hierarchy of the conversation.
Misconceptions About the Phrase
A lot of people think "hemming" refers to being "hemmed in," like being trapped in a corner. While that’s a poetic way to think about indecision, it’s not the actual hemming and hawing origin. You aren't being physically constrained; you're just making a noise.
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Another common mistake is thinking the phrase is "humming and hawing." You’ll hear this a lot in the UK and Australia. "Humming" actually makes a lot of sense because it describes that "mmm" sound we make when we're thinking. In fact, many dictionaries now list "hum and haw" as a legitimate regional variation. It’s the same vibe, just a different vowel sound.
The Psychology of the Stall
Why can’t we just be quiet? Why do we have to make these weird noises at all?
Silence is terrifying in human interaction. In most English-speaking cultures, a gap in conversation that lasts longer than about four seconds starts to feel deeply uncomfortable. We feel a biological urge to fill that "dead air." Hemming and hawing is the evolutionary solution to the "dead air" problem. It allows us to be slow without being silent.
Interestingly, some experts in communication—like those who train CEOs or public speakers—suggest that we should actually embrace the silence instead of hemming. They call it the "Power Pause." But for most of us, we aren't trying to be powerful. We're just trying to figure out if we want the chicken or the pasta.
How to Stop Hemming and Hawing
If you find yourself doing this too much, it usually means your "mental draft" process is leaking out of your mouth. Here is how to tighten it up:
- Own the silence. Next time you’re asked a tough question, literally count to three in your head before saying anything. It feels like an eternity to you, but to the other person, it just looks like you’re giving a thoughtful answer.
- The "That’s a great question" tactic. This is the modern version of hemming. It’s a filler phrase that buys you five seconds of thinking time without making you sound like a 17th-century ox driver.
- Identify your "Tell." Do you hem when you’re lying? Or just when you’re overwhelmed? Usually, people hem and haw when they are trying to find an answer that pleases everyone.
- Practice "Bottom-Line" speaking. Start with your "Yes" or "No," and then explain why. We usually do the opposite—we provide the "why" (the hemming) before we get to the "what."
The hemming and hawing origin reminds us that humans haven't changed that much in 500 years. We’ve always been a little bit indecisive, a little bit nervous, and a lot prone to making weird noises when we’re put on the spot. Whether you call it an "ahem" or a "haw," you're participating in a linguistic tradition that stretches back to the very first moments people started talking to one another.
Next time you catch yourself stalling, don’t stress. You aren't being unarticulate. You’re just being human. You’re using a vocal toolkit that was perfected by poets, peasants, and politicians long before you were born.
Next Steps for Better Communication
To reduce vocal fillers in your daily life, try recording a three-minute voice memo of yourself explaining a complex topic. Listen back specifically for the "hems" and "haws." You’ll likely notice they happen most often when you’re transitioning between two different ideas. By identifying these "bridge" moments, you can consciously choose to replace the noise with a breath. Over time, this shifts your speaking style from hesitant to deliberate.