It hurts. Truly, physically hurts. You probably felt it in your chest the moment things ended—that hollow, heavy ache that makes it hard to take a full breath. When people talk about my broken heart, they usually treat it like a metaphor or a Hallmark card sentiment, but science says otherwise. Your brain is literally reacting to a social rejection as if you’ve sustained a physical injury. It’s a mess.
Honest talk? You’re going to feel like a different person for a while. The version of you that was confident and stable has been replaced by someone who cries at grocery store displays of pasta sauce because "we used to make lasagna together." It’s exhausting. But understanding the mechanics of why your body is freaking out can actually help you stop the spiral.
The Biology of Why It Feels Like Dying
Most people think heartbreak is just "being sad." Nope. It's a chemical withdrawal. According to research from biological anthropologist Helen Fisher, being in love floods the brain with dopamine and oxytocin. It’s a high. When that person leaves, your brain goes into a literal state of drug withdrawal.
You’re basically a person trying to quit a substance cold turkey while the substance is still posting Instagram stories.
Stress Hormones are Flooding Your System
When the breakup happens, your body enters a fight-or-flight state. It pumps out cortisol and adrenaline. Usually, these hormones help you run away from a tiger, but since there is no tiger—just a text message or a painful conversation—the energy stays trapped. This is why you can’t sleep. This is why your stomach feels like it’s tied in knots.
Ever heard of Takotsubo cardiomyopathy? It’s commonly known as Broken Heart Syndrome. It’s a real medical condition where the left ventricle of the heart weakens due to extreme emotional stress. While rare, it proves that the mind-body connection isn't just "woo-woo" science. Your heart is under actual pressure.
Stop Checking Their Social Media (Seriously)
I know. You want to see if they’re as miserable as you are. Or you want to see if they’ve already moved on. You tell yourself that "knowing" will help you get closure.
It won't.
Every time you look at their face or see a status update, you trigger another hit of dopamine followed by a massive crash. You are resetting the clock on your recovery. Think of it like a scab. Every time you check their profile, you’re picking the scab off. You have to let it scar over.
- The Mute Button is Your Friend. If you can’t bring yourself to unfollow, mute them. Mute their friends. Mute their mom.
- Digital Detox. Take the apps off your phone for a week. The world won't end, I promise.
- Replace the Habit. When you feel the urge to check, open a notes app and write down one reason why the relationship actually wasn't working. Be brutal.
Dealing With the "What Ifs"
The brain is a dirty liar during a breakup. It performs a "greatest hits" reel of the relationship. You remember the weekend in the mountains or the way they laughed at your jokes. You conveniently forget the time they ignored you at that party or how they never did the dishes.
This is called rosy retrospection.
To combat this, you need to write a "Reality List." List every annoying habit, every fundamental disagreement, and every time they made you feel small. Keep it on your phone. Read it when you start romanticizing the past. You aren't being mean; you're being accurate.
Acceptance Isn't Approval
A big hurdle in healing my broken heart is the idea that accepting the breakup means you're okay with it. You don't have to be okay with it. Acceptance just means acknowledging that it is reality. It happened. Fighting the reality won't change the outcome; it just keeps you stuck in the "bargaining" phase of grief.
The Myth of Closure
We’re obsessed with the idea of a final conversation where everything is explained and both people walk away with a smile. Honestly? That almost never happens.
Closure isn't something someone gives you. It’s something you take for yourself. If you’re waiting for them to apologize or explain "why," you’re giving them power over your healing. You might never get the truth. They might not even know the truth themselves.
Decide that the breakup itself is the closure. The fact that the relationship ended is all the information you actually need to know that it wasn't the right one for your future.
Rebuilding the Identity
When you're in a long-term relationship, your "self" merges with "them." You become a "we." When that's ripped away, you feel diminished. You literally have to re-learn who you are.
What did you stop doing because they didn't like it?
- Maybe you stopped listening to certain music.
- Maybe you stopped going to that one coffee shop.
- Maybe you haven't picked up a sketchbook in three years.
Go do those things. It feels forced at first. It feels like you’re just going through the motions. But eventually, the motions become your life again.
Physical Movement Matters
Exercise isn't about getting a "revenge body." It’s about burning off the cortisol we talked about earlier. Walking, running, or even just aggressive cleaning helps move the stagnant energy out of your muscles. It forces your brain to produce endorphins that naturally counteract the sadness.
How Long Does This Actually Take?
There’s a popular myth that it takes half the length of the relationship to get over someone. That’s nonsense. There is no timeline. Some people feel better in three months; some take two years.
Factors that influence the speed of recovery:
- How the relationship ended (betrayal takes longer to process).
- Whether you still have to see them (work or co-parenting).
- Your support system.
- How much you've tied your self-worth to the relationship.
Don't judge yourself for "still" being sad. Grief is circular, not linear. You’ll have a great week where you feel like a badass, and then a specific song will play in the car and you’ll be a sobbing mess again. That’s not a setback. It’s just part of the loop.
Turning the Pain Into Insight
Eventually, the sharp edges of the pain will dull. You’ll find yourself thinking about them once a day instead of every five minutes. Then once a week.
Use this time to look at your patterns. We often attract the same type of person over and over. Are you looking for people who need "fixing"? Are you choosing people who are emotionally unavailable because it feels "safe" to be at a distance?
This is the only way to ensure the next relationship is better.
🔗 Read more: Johns Hopkins Supplement Essay: Why the "Collaboration" Prompt Is Harder Than It Looks
Actionable Next Steps for Healing
- Schedule your crying. Sounds weird, but give yourself 20 minutes a day to just feel the weight of it. When the timer goes off, wash your face and do one productive thing.
- Change your environment. Move your furniture. Buy new sheets. Get rid of the sensory triggers that remind you of them.
- Socialize in low-stakes ways. You don't need to go on dates. Go to a bookstore, a museum, or a park. Be around people without the pressure of performing.
- Audit your inner circle. Spend time with the friends who listen, but also the ones who challenge you to move forward. Avoid the ones who just want to gossip about your ex.
- Prioritize sleep hygiene. Since heartbreak ruins sleep, use magnesium or a heavy blanket to help ground your nervous system.
You aren't broken; you're hurt. There is a massive difference. One implies you are permanently damaged, while the other implies a wound that—given the right environment—is designed to heal.