Mother’s Day is loud. It’s a sensory overload of pink carnations, brunch reservations made three weeks in advance, and Instagram feeds choked with filtered photos of "perfect" families. But honestly? For a huge chunk of the population, the second Sunday in May feels more like a minefield than a celebration.
If you’re scrolling through social media feeling a weird pang of guilt or grief, you aren't alone. Sending a happy Mother's Day to those who find this holiday complicated isn't just a polite gesture—it’s a necessary acknowledgement of how messy real life is. Not everyone has a Hallmark relationship with their mom. Some people are mourning. Some are struggling to conceive. Others are mothering themselves because nobody else did.
The reality is that Mother’s Day has evolved. It started as a call for peace by Julia Ward Howe and later a day of memorial by Anna Jarvis, who, ironically, spent the end of her life trying to get the holiday abolished because it became too commercial. We’ve strayed far from that raw, emotional origin.
Why the Standard Greeting Doesn't Always Fit
The world loves a binary. You’re either a mother or you have one, right? Wrong. That’s why saying happy Mother's Day to those in the "in-between" spaces matters so much.
Think about the woman who just had a miscarriage. She’s a mother, but she doesn't have a child to hold. Or the person who had to cut contact with a toxic parent for their own mental health. For them, a "Happy Mother's Day" text can feel like a slap in the face. It ignores the trauma.
Psychologists often talk about "disenfranchised grief." This is grief that isn't openly acknowledged or socially validated. When you lose a parent, people understand. But when you’re grieving the idea of the mother you never had, or the child you’re still trying to conceive through grueling rounds of IVF, the world doesn't always know what to say. So it says nothing. Or worse, it says something generic that hurts.
The Empty Chair and the Silent Phone
Grief doesn't have an expiration date.
For many, this day is a stark reminder of a physical absence. If your mom passed away last year—or twenty years ago—the air feels a little thinner today. You see a specific brand of tea at the grocery store or hear a certain laugh, and it hits you.
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I know people who turn off their phones entirely on Mother's Day. They can't handle the "look at my best friend/mom" posts. And that’s okay. Protecting your peace is a form of self-mothering.
We also need to talk about the "Motherhood Gap" in caregiving. Often, people find themselves mothering their own parents as they age. If you’re changing diapers for a parent with dementia, you’re doing the heavy lifting of motherhood without any of the celebratory fan-fare. You deserve a happy Mother's Day to those in the trenches of elder care, too.
Motherhood Beyond Biology
Community mothers are the backbone of our neighborhoods, yet they rarely get the flowers.
There’s the aunt who stepped in when things got rocky. The teacher who stayed late to make sure you felt seen. The older neighbor who showed you how to plant a garden when you were ten.
Different Ways People "Mother"
- Pet Moms: People scoff at this, but the bond is real. For someone who can't have children or chooses not to, a dog or cat is a recipient of that nurturing energy.
- Mentors: In professional spaces, women often take on the emotional labor of guiding younger generations. It’s exhausting and vital.
- Chosen Family: Especially in the LGBTQ+ community, "mothers" are often the people who took you in when your biological family wouldn't. These "House Mothers" or "Mamas" provide the safety net that the traditional structure failed to offer.
When the Relationship is Broken
Estrangement is the "taboo" topic of May.
Statistically, family estrangement is more common than we think. Research from Karl Pillemer at Cornell University suggests that a significant percentage of Americans are estranged from a close family member. Yet, Mother's Day marketing assumes every mother-child duo is headed for mimosas.
If you’re not speaking to your mother, today feels like an indictment. You might feel like you failed, or that you're "cold." But often, estrangement is a last-resort survival tactic.
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If this is your story, today isn't about her. It’s about you. It’s about the strength it took to set a boundary. It’s about the work you’ve done to break generational cycles of trauma so they don't pass down to anyone else. That is a massive achievement.
Navigating the Day When You’re Struggling
So, how do you actually get through the 24 hours without a meltdown?
First, mute the keywords. Most social media platforms let you mute specific words or phrases. Add "Mother’s Day," "Mom," and "Mama" to that list a few days before the holiday.
Second, acknowledge the "And." You can be happy for your friends who are celebrating and sad for yourself. You can love your children and deeply miss your own mother who isn't there to see them. Human emotions aren't a zero-sum game. You can hold two conflicting truths at once.
Third, change the narrative. If the traditional celebration feels like a lie, invent a new tradition. Buy yourself the flowers. Go for a hike. Eat pizza in bed. There are no rules here.
A Note to the Supporters
If you have a friend who you know is struggling—maybe they lost their mom, or they’re going through infertility—don't ignore the day.
You don't need a perfect card. A simple text saying, "I’m thinking of you today. I know this day can be tough," is worth more than a thousand generic bouquets. It validates their experience. It tells them they aren't invisible.
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We need to foster a culture where we can say happy Mother's Day to those who are hurting, without it feeling awkward.
Rethinking the "Mother" Identity
Maybe it’s time we look at "mother" as a verb rather than a noun.
To mother is to protect. To mother is to nurture. To mother is to teach.
When you look at it that way, the circle gets much bigger. It includes the dads who are playing both roles. It includes the non-binary parents who provide that same fierce love. It includes the women who decided that motherhood wasn't their path but still pour their love into their communities.
The pressure to perform a specific type of joy on this day is intense. But your worth isn't tied to your ability to fit into a marketing demographic.
Moving Forward With Intention
The commercial version of this holiday is a shell. The real substance is in the connections we forge and the resilience we show.
If today feels heavy, let it be heavy. Don't try to "silver lining" your way out of it. There is a specific kind of bravery in acknowledging that a day meant for celebration feels like a burden.
We should extend a sincere happy Mother's Day to those who are grieving, those who are waiting, those who are trying, and those who have walked away. Your experience is valid, even if there isn't a card for it in the grocery store aisle.
Actionable Steps for a Better Mother's Day
- Audit Your Inbox: Many brands now offer an "opt-out" for Mother's Day marketing emails. Take advantage of this in April to avoid the trigger-heavy subject lines in May.
- Plan Your "Escape": If family gatherings are too much, book something for yourself during the "peak" brunch hours of 10:00 AM to 2:00 PM. A movie, a long drive, or a nap can be a sanctuary.
- Validate Others: Reach out to one person who might find the day difficult. You don't need to fix their pain; you just need to witness it.
- Practice Self-Compassion: If you find yourself snapping at people or feeling unusually tired, recognize it as a "stress response" to the cultural pressure. Give yourself some grace.
- Donate in Honor/Memory: If you want to mark the day but the traditional way feels hollow, consider donating to an organization that supports maternal health, foster youth, or grief counseling. It turns the energy of the day into something tangible and helpful.
The most important thing to remember is that tomorrow is Monday. The flowers will wilt, the posts will move down the feed, and the pressure will lift. You just have to get through today.