It happens at every family reunion or holiday dinner. You see the toddler backing away, eyes wide with a mix of confusion and mild dread, as a well-meaning relative leans in. People call it the grandma kisses bad version of affection—that moment where a gesture meant to be sweet feels invasive, overwhelming, or just plain gross to a child. We've laughed about it in sitcoms for decades. But honestly, when you look at the psychology of sensory processing and the evolving conversation around bodily autonomy, it’s not really a joke anymore.
Kids aren't being rude. They’re reacting to a biological mismatch.
What's Really Going On With the Grandma Kisses Bad Version?
Some people think kids are just being "difficult." That's a lazy take. In reality, the physical sensation of a "bad version" kiss usually involves a few specific sensory triggers. It might be the heavy scent of vintage perfume—something like the classic Chanel No. 5 or Shalimar—which can be incredibly cloying to a small child's sensitive nose. Or maybe it’s the texture. Wetness. Lipstick that feels like wax. The scratchiness of a chin that hasn't been moisturized.
Think about it.
If a stranger walked up to you and pressed a damp, floral-scented face against yours without asking, you’d probably want to bolt too. For a child, a relative they only see twice a year is basically a stranger with a familiar name. Dr. Alice Sterling Honig, a renowned child development expert, has often discussed how forced affection can actually interfere with a child’s developing sense of "body boundaries." When we force the "grandma kisses bad version" on a kid who is clearly recoiling, we’re subtly teaching them that their "no" doesn't matter if the other person is family. That's a heavy lesson for a three-year-old to swallow along with their mashed potatoes.
The Sensory Overload Factor
Kids have thinner skin and more sensitive olfactory bulbs than adults. They experience the world at 110% volume. A "grandma kiss" isn't just a kiss; it's a multi-sensory event.
- The Visual: A large adult face looming closer and closer, blocking out the light.
- The Olfactory: The smell of mothballs, peppermint, or coffee breath.
- The Tactile: The "pinch" of the cheeks that often accompanies the kiss.
Sometimes, the "bad version" refers to the literal physical mess. We’ve all seen the kid with the bright red lipstick smudge on their forehead that won’t come off without industrial-strength soap. It's uncomfortable. It's itchy. It’s a mark of "ownership" that the child didn't sign up for.
The Cultural Pressure of "Give Grandma a Kiss"
We live in a society that prizes "politeness" over comfort. For generations, the standard has been: Go give Grandma a kiss or you’re being disrespectful. This creates a massive internal conflict for a child. On one hand, they want to be "good." On the other, their nervous system is screaming danger or disgust.
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It’s a power dynamic.
The adult has the power. The child has none. When we insist on the grandma kisses bad version—meaning the forced, unwanted variety—we are prioritizing the adult’s emotional gratification over the child’s physical comfort. It’s a harsh way to put it, but it's the truth. Why does Grandma need that specific kiss to feel loved? Why isn't a high-five, a wave, or a shared drawing enough?
Clinical psychologist Dr. Becky Kennedy, often known as "Dr. Becky," frequently talks about "sturdy leadership" in parenting. Part of that leadership is protecting your child’s right to say no to physical touch. If they don't want to engage in the grandma kisses bad version of a greeting, a parent's job is to step in and say, "It looks like Sarah isn't ready for a kiss right now, but she'd love to show you her LEGO tower." This validates the child’s feelings and provides a bridge for the adult to connect in a way that isn't intrusive.
Why Some Grandparents Take It Personally
It hurts. I get it. You love this little person more than anything, and you remember holding them when they were a tiny, unprotesting infant. You see a rejection of a kiss as a rejection of you.
But it’s not.
Most of the time, the child is just overstimulated. Maybe they’re in the middle of a game. Maybe the room is too loud. Or maybe they just don't like being touched right then. If we want to move away from the grandma kisses bad version of family interactions, we have to stop viewing a child's boundaries as a personal insult.
Moving Toward the "Good Version" of Affection
What does a healthy interaction look like? It’s pretty simple, actually. It’s based on consent. Even for toddlers. Especially for toddlers.
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Instead of the "bad version" swoop-and-peck, try offering choices. "Would you like a hug, a high-five, or a fist bump?" This gives the child agency. It lets them decide how much of their personal space they are willing to share. Most kids, when given the choice, will eventually choose the hug or the kiss once they feel safe and in control.
Practical Alternatives to Forced Kisses
- The "Blow a Kiss" Technique: It’s cute, it’s distance-appropriate, and there’s no saliva involved.
- The Secret Handshake: Create a special series of claps and fist bumps. It builds a unique bond that doesn't involve invasion of space.
- The High-Five: Simple, classic, and keeps a respectful distance.
- Side-Hugs: Less intense than a full-frontal embrace.
Real Stories: When the "Bad Version" Goes Wrong
I remember a story from a colleague whose daughter actually developed a mild phobia of visiting her great-aunt because of the "lipstick mark." The aunt would wear this incredibly sticky, vibrant fuchsia lipstick. Every time they arrived, she’d grab the girl’s face and plant one right on the cheek. The girl hated the smell and the way the lipstick felt like glue. Eventually, she started crying the moment they pulled into the driveway.
This isn't just "kids being kids." This is a physical aversion.
When the parents finally stepped in and asked the aunt to stop, the aunt was offended at first. "I’m family!" she said. But once they explained that it wasn't about her—it was about the sensory ick of the lipstick—she switched to "air kisses." The crying stopped. The relationship was saved.
The Scientific Side: Proprioception and Touch
We often forget that children are still learning where their bodies end and the world begins. This is called proprioception. Unexpected touch, especially to the face, can be startling. The face is one of the most nerve-rich areas of the body. A "bad version" kiss is a high-intensity stimulus to a high-sensitivity area.
According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, teaching children about "body safety" should start early. This includes the idea that they are the "boss of their body." While we aren't talking about anything nefarious here, the principle remains the same. If a child feels they have to submit to the grandma kisses bad version just to keep the peace, they aren't learning how to set healthy boundaries later in life.
How to Talk to Grandparents About It
This is the hard part. You don't want to cause a rift at Thanksgiving. You don't want to sound like a "snowflake" or a "helicopter parent."
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Try using "I" statements.
"I’ve noticed that Tommy gets a bit overwhelmed with physical touch when he first gets to a new place. We’re working on letting him decide when he’s ready for hugs."
Or, keep it light: "Oh, we’re doing 'fist bumps only' today because he’s in a big 'space' phase!"
Most grandparents will understand if you frame it as a developmental stage rather than a critique of their grandmothering skills. The goal is to eliminate the stress of the grandma kisses bad version and replace it with genuine, comfortable connection.
Actionable Steps for Parents and Grandparents
If you’re a parent dealing with this right now, or a grandparent wondering why the kids seem to dodge you, here is how to fix the "bad version" of affection:
For Parents:
- Pre-game the visit: Talk to your child before you arrive. "We're going to see Grandma. Remember, you can say 'no' to a kiss, but make sure to say 'hi' nicely."
- Be the shield: If you see the "bad version" kiss coming, step in physically. A hand on the shoulder or moving into the space can signal to the adult to slow down.
- Normalize "No": Don't punish your child for refusing affection.
For Grandparents:
- Wait for them to come to you: Kids are naturally curious. If you sit on the floor or the couch and just start playing with a toy, they will eventually wander over.
- Ask first: "Can I have a hug, or are we doing high-fives today?" It shows immense respect for the child.
- Watch the "extras": Tone down the heavy perfumes and maybe skip the "wet" lipstick if you know you have a sensory-sensitive grandkid.
The grandma kisses bad version doesn't have to be a permanent part of your family dynamic. By shifting the focus from "politeness" to "consent and comfort," you actually build a stronger, more authentic relationship between the generations. A child who isn't afraid of being "pounced on" is a child who is much more likely to actually want to sit on Grandma’s lap and read a book.
Respecting a "no" today is the best way to get a "yes" tomorrow. Stop forcing the peck and start building the trust. That’s how you turn a potentially "bad" interaction into a lifelong bond.