It’s 2:00 AM. You’re staring at a "delivered" notification that’s been sitting there for six hours, wondering if you should just unsend the meme you sent. You aren’t dating, but you aren’t not dating. You have all the intimacy of a relationship with absolutely none of the security. Welcome to the gray area. Honestly, getting over a situationship is often a lot harder than moving on from a five-year marriage, and there is a very specific, scientific reason for that.
It's the hope.
When a long-term relationship ends, you have a graveyard of memories to look at and say, "Okay, that didn't work." But when a situationship fizzles out, you're grieving a fantasy. You're mourning the "potential" of what could have been. It’s a phantom limb. You feel the itch, but there's nothing there to scratch.
The Science of Why You’re Actually This Miserable
You aren’t dramatic. You’re biologically hijacked. According to Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist who has spent decades studying the brain in love, romantic rejection triggers the same parts of the brain associated with physical pain and cocaine addiction.
In a standard relationship, you eventually hit a "plateau" of safety. In a situationship? You are constantly living on a schedule of intermittent reinforcement. This is the same psychological mechanism that keeps people pulling the lever on slot machines. Because you never knew when you’d get a text, or when they’d be "on," your brain stayed flooded with dopamine every time they actually showed up. Now that it’s over, you’re essentially going through a cold-turkey detox from a chemical high.
It’s brutal.
Dr. Amir Levine, author of Attached, explains that our attachment systems are wired to seek proximity to a "safe" figure. When that figure is inconsistent—which is the hallmark of a situationship—your nervous system goes into overdrive. You aren't just sad; you're in a state of high-alert anxiety. That’s why you can’t stop checking their Instagram stories. Your brain thinks it’s searching for a "survival" signal.
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Stop Trying to Be the "Cool Person"
We’ve all done it. We try to be the one who doesn't care. We tell ourselves that because there was no "label," we aren't allowed to be devastated.
That is total nonsense.
The lack of a label actually makes the grief more complex. This is what psychologists call disenfranchised grief. It’s the kind of mourning that isn't openly acknowledged or socially supported. If your spouse dies, people bring you lasagna. If the guy you were "talking to" for seven months stops responding to your texts, people just tell you there are other fish in the sea.
You need to validate your own experience. If you spent three nights a week at their apartment, shared your deepest fears, and planned a hypothetical trip to Mexico, your heart doesn’t care that you never changed your Facebook status. The feelings were real. The oxytocin was real. The heartbreak is real.
Why Getting Over a Situationship Requires a Different Strategy
You can't just "delete and move on" the way you might with an ex-husband. There’s usually no closure. There was no big final fight. It just... faded. Or they "weren't ready for a relationship" but started dating someone else three weeks later.
1. Kill the Ghost of Potential
The biggest hurdle in getting over a situationship is the "what if." You keep thinking that if you had just been a little more chill, or a little more interesting, they would have picked you. You’re comparing your messy, grieving self to a perfected, imaginary version of the relationship that never actually existed.
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Look at the facts. Not the "vibes."
- Did they show up when you were sick?
- Did they introduce you to their parents?
- Did they communicate their intentions clearly?
If the answer is no, then the "potential" you’re crying over is a script you wrote, not a movie they were starring in.
2. The "No Contact" Rule is Non-Negotiable
You might think you can be friends. You can’t. At least not now.
Every time you see their name pop up on your phone, you get a micro-dose of dopamine that resets your healing clock to zero. You need at least 30 to 60 days of total silence to let your neural pathways settle down. This isn't about being petty; it's about neurological hygiene.
3. Write the "Truth List"
Open the notes app on your phone. Right now. Write down every time they made you feel anxious, every time they canceled last minute, and every time you felt "less than" because they wouldn't commit. Read this list every time you feel the urge to text them. We have a habit of "euphoric recall," where we only remember the 10% of the time they were actually being sweet. You need to remind yourself of the 90% where you were wondering where you stood.
The Trap of "Low-Stakes" Dating
A common mistake? Jumping right back into another situationship to numb the pain of the last one.
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When you’re hurting, you’re vulnerable to anyone who provides a shred of validation. But "hair of the dog" doesn't work for heartbreak. It just creates a cycle of "placeholder" people. You end up in a string of three-month stints that leave you feeling more depleted than before.
Honestly, the best thing you can do is be bored for a while. Let the silence happen.
The Reality of Closure
People talk about closure like it’s something someone else gives you. It’s not. In a situationship, the "disappearing act" or the "I'm just not ready" is the closure.
It tells you everything you need to know.
It tells you that this person cannot or will not give you what you need. You don't need a final coffee meeting to "talk through things." All that does is give you one last hit of that addictive presence. The closure is the fact that you are currently reading an article on how to get over them. That’s all the evidence you need that it wasn't the right fit.
Moving Forward: Actionable Steps for This Week
Healing isn't a linear line; it’s a jagged, messy scribble. Some days you’ll feel like a god, and other days you’ll be crying over a specific brand of sparkling water they liked. That’s fine.
Here is your immediate game plan:
- Mute, don't just unfollow. If you don't want to "make a statement" by unfollowing, use the mute button on Instagram and Twitter. If you don't see their face, your brain stops processing them as a current part of your "tribe."
- Audit your physical space. Take that sweatshirt they left. Put it in a box. Put that box in the back of a closet you never use. Or better yet, mail it back or donate it. Do not keep it under your pillow.
- Reclaim your "spots." If there was a coffee shop you two always went to, go there with your best friend. Change the association. Take the power back from the geography of the relationship.
- Invest in "Aggressive Self-Care." This isn't just bubble baths. It’s going to the gym until you’re too tired to think. It’s finishing that project you put off because you were too busy waiting for their texts. It’s reconnecting with the version of you that existed before they entered the picture.
- Speak the truth out loud. Tell a friend: "I am grieving a person I was never officially with, and it sucks." Saying it out loud removes the shame.
You’re going to be okay. The "high" will fade, the dopamine will stabilize, and eventually, you’ll meet someone who makes you realize that "complicated" was actually just a euphemism for "not enough." You deserve a relationship that doesn't require a manual to understand or a therapist to decode. Start by giving that clarity to yourself.