You're at a networking event or maybe a first date, and the silence is starting to feel heavy. It’s that awkward moment where you both know you should say something, but "so, what do you do?" feels like a death sentence for the conversation. Honestly, we’ve all been there. Most of us rely on a script of tired, predictable queries that lead to one-word answers and a quick exit. But if you want to actually connect, you need general questions to ask that bypass the small talk and hit on something real.
It isn't just about being polite. It's about data. A 2017 study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology by researchers at Harvard University found that people who ask more questions, particularly follow-up questions, are perceived as much more likable. We like people who are interested in us. Simple. But the "what" matters just as much as the "how."
Why Your Default Questions Are Killing Your Social Life
Stop asking people how their weekend was. Seriously. It’s a closed loop. They say "fine," you say "nice," and then you both stare at your drinks. To get a real conversation moving, you have to aim for high-provisionality questions. These are inquiries that invite a story rather than a status report.
Think about the difference between "Where are you from?" and "What’s something from your hometown that you actually miss?" The first is a geography lesson. The second is an emotional hook. Author and behavioral investigator Vanessa Van Edwards often talks about "conversation sparkers." She argues that the brain ignores predictable social scripts because they don't require active processing. If you want to be remembered, you have to break the pattern.
I’ve spent years interviewing people—from CEOs to baristas—and the biggest mistake I see is people treating a conversation like a job interview. It’s not a deposition. It’s an exchange. When you use general questions to ask in a social setting, your goal is to find the "green lights." These are the topics where the other person’s eyes light up. Once you see that spark, stop your list and dig deeper into that specific hole.
The Psychology of the Open-Ended Inquiry
Arthur Aron, a psychologist at Stony Brook University, famously developed a list of 36 questions designed to create closeness. You might have seen the viral New York Times article about it. While you probably shouldn't ask a stranger "When did you last cry in front of another person?" within five minutes of meeting them, the principle remains the same. Vulnerability, even in small doses, creates a bond.
Start with something low-stakes but revealing.
"What's a project you're working on right now that you're actually excited about?"
This is gold. It allows them to talk about work if they love it, or a side hustle, or even just a garden they're planting. It gives them the agency to choose the context. Most general questions to ask fail because they box the listener into a corner. Give them an out.
The "Instead of" Strategy
Instead of asking "What do you do for a living?", try "How do you spend most of your time?" This is inclusive. Maybe they're between jobs. Maybe they're a stay-at-home parent who feels weird about the "what do you do" question. This phrasing is kinder and usually leads to a much more honest answer about their daily reality.
Instead of "Where do you live?", try "What’s your favorite thing about your neighborhood?" This moves the conversation from a map coordinate to a recommendation or a complaint—both of which are more interesting than an address.
Breaking the Ice Without Looking Like a Weirdo
Context is everything. You wouldn't ask a grieving person at a funeral what their favorite "guilty pleasure" movie is. At least, I hope you wouldn't. But in a casual setting, quirky general questions to ask can act as a social lubricant.
"What’s the most useless talent you have?"
I once asked this at a boring corporate dinner. Within ten minutes, a CFO was showing me how he could fold his tongue into a clover and a marketing director was explaining her encyclopedic knowledge of 90s boy bands. We stopped being titles and started being people.
Questions for Deepening a Connection
If you've moved past the initial "hello," you need questions that explore values without being preachy.
- "What’s a piece of advice you’ve received that you actually use?"
- "If you had an extra hour of free time every day, what would you do with it?"
- "What’s a book or movie that changed how you think about something?"
Notice these aren't "what's your favorite" questions. "Favorite" is a high-pressure word. Most people can't name a favorite movie on the spot. But they can usually tell you about something that impacted them recently. It takes the pressure off.
The Art of the Follow-Up
The secret sauce isn't actually the first question. It's the second one.
In the Harvard study mentioned earlier, researchers categorized questions into four types: introductory, mirror, full-switch, and follow-up. Follow-up questions are the most powerful. They prove you were actually listening.
If someone says they’ve been traveling, don't just say "Oh, cool." Ask "What was the most surprising thing about that place?" Or even better, "Was it how you imagined it would be?" These general questions to ask as follow-ups show that you aren't just waiting for your turn to speak. You’re actually processing their experience.
Handling the "Dead End" Responder
Kinda sucks when you try your best and get a one-word answer anyway, right? Honestly, some people are just tired or shy. If you get a "yeah" or a "not much," don't panic. You can use a "statement of observation" to restart.
"You seem like someone who’s had a long day—is it usually this busy for you?"
This acknowledges the vibe in the room. It’s empathetic. It’s also a question, but it’s wrapped in an observation. Most people will appreciate the recognition and open up about why they’re being quiet. If they don't? Well, you've done your part. Move on to the next person or go find the snack table.
Business and Professional Networking
In a professional context, general questions to ask should lean toward curiosity about the industry or the person's journey. Avoid "how's business?" It's too vague.
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Try: "What’s a challenge in your industry that most people outside of it don't realize?"
This invites them to be the expert. People love being the expert. It also gives you real insight into their world. If you're talking to a mentor or someone you admire, ask "What’s a mistake you made early on that you’re actually glad happened?" This is way better than asking for "tips." It leads to a story, and stories are where the real learning happens.
The "Pivot" Question
Sometimes a conversation gets stuck on a negative loop. Someone is complaining about traffic, or the weather, or the food. To save the vibe, use a pivot.
"I feel you on the traffic. To get my mind off it, I’ve been thinking about [Topic]. Have you ever tried that?"
It’s subtle. You aren't shutting them down, you’re just steering the ship toward clearer waters.
Putting it Into Practice
You don't need to memorize a list of fifty things. Just pick three. Have three "go-to" general questions to ask that feel natural to your personality. If you're a funny person, go with the "useless talent" route. If you're more serious, go with the "impactful book" route.
The goal is authenticity. If you ask a question you don't actually care about the answer to, people will smell the "AI-generated" vibe from a mile away. Be a human. Be curious.
Actionable Steps for Your Next Conversation:
- Audit your current habits. Notice how many times you ask "How are you?" or "What's up?" and try to replace them with one specific inquiry.
- The 2-second rule. After someone finishes speaking, wait two seconds before asking your follow-up. Often, they’ll add a "bonus" detail if you give them the space.
- Focus on the "Why" and "How." "What" gets you facts; "Why" and "How" get you stories.
- Watch the body language. If they lean in, you’ve hit a good topic. If they look at their phone, it’s time to pivot or end the chat.
- Ditch the "Favorite" label. Ask about "recent" or "meaningful" things instead to reduce the social pressure on the other person.
The best talkers are usually the best listeners. By having a few solid general questions to ask in your back pocket, you aren't just filling silence—you're opening doors. Next time you're at a party or a meeting, try the "surprise" question. Ask someone what the best part of their week was so far. You'll be amazed at how quickly the atmosphere changes.