Money ruins things. Or, at least, it’s the thing we most often blame when a marriage starts to crumble into a million little pieces. We’ve all heard the vow: for richer or poorer. It sounds romantic when you’re standing in front of a cake that costs more than your first car, surrounded by friends and family. But honestly? When you’re staring at a negative bank balance or arguing over a $200 Target run while the mortgage is due, those words feel heavy. They feel like a trap.
Most people think "for richer or poorer" is about surviving a sudden job loss or winning the lottery. It's not. Real life is way messier than that. It’s about the slow grind. It’s about how one person’s "saving for a rainy day" is another person’s "financial suffocation." According to data from the American Psychological Association, money is consistently cited as a top source of conflict in relationships. It isn't just about the math; it's about the power dynamics and the baggage we carry from our childhoods.
Why We Fight About the "Poorer" Part
Let's get real. Nobody actually plans for the "poorer" bit. We assume we’ll be the couple that beats the odds. But then 2026 hits with its weirdly specific economic shifts, and suddenly that "for richer or poorer" promise is being tested by inflation that won't quit and a housing market that feels like a fever dream.
The stress of being broke isn't just about the bills. It’s the shame. When a partner loses a job, they don’t just lose an income; they often lose their sense of identity. I’ve seen couples where one spouse hides credit card debt for years because they’re terrified of the "poor" label. Financial infidelity—it's a real thing. It’s arguably more damaging than a physical affair because it erodes the very foundation of trust required to build a life together. You think you're building a house on a rock, but you're actually building it on a sinkhole of unpaid interest.
Dr. John Gottman, a guy who has spent decades literally watching couples fight in a lab, notes that money conflicts aren't usually about the dollars. They’re about what the money represents. For some, money is safety. For others, it’s freedom or love. If you grew up in a house where there was never enough, you might hoard every penny. If your partner grew up with abundance, they might spend like there’s no tomorrow. That’s a collision course.
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The "Richer" Problem Nobody Talks About
Being rich should be easy, right? Wrong. Success brings its own set of weird, prickly problems. When one partner suddenly starts making significantly more than the other, the "for richer or poorer" dynamic shifts into something much more complicated.
Resentment grows in the shadows.
Maybe one person is working 80 hours a week to maintain that "richer" status, while the other is left handling 100% of the domestic labor. Or perhaps the lower-earning spouse feels like they no longer have a vote in big decisions. "My money, my rules" is a relationship killer. It turns a partnership into a boss-employee dynamic. That’s not a marriage; it’s a lopsided corporate merger.
Real-world examples are everywhere. Look at high-profile divorces where the "richer" half tries to claw back assets. It’s messy because the law often sees marriage as a single economic unit, but our egos rarely do. Even with a prenup, the emotional toll of wealth disparity can make the "richer" part feel just as lonely as the "poorer" part.
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The Survival Strategy
So, how do you actually live out the for richer or poorer vow without wanting to scream?
First, you have to talk about the "Money Script." This is a concept popularized by financial psychologist Brad Klontz. Essentially, we all have an internal narrative about money. Some of us are "money avoiders," and some are "money worshippers." You need to sit down—not when you’re angry—and figure out what your script is.
- Do you think money is evil?
- Does a high balance make you feel safe or bored?
- What did your parents fight about?
Honestly, if you can’t answer these things, you’re just throwing darts in the dark.
Practical Steps for Radical Financial Transparency
- The Weekly Money Date: This sounds cheesy. It is. Do it anyway. Spend 20 minutes every Sunday looking at the accounts. No blaming. Just looking at the data. Use tools that actually work for both of you—whether it's an old-school spreadsheet or a high-tech tracking app.
- The "Blow Money" Fund: This is crucial. Each partner needs a set amount of money every month that they can spend on whatever they want, no questions asked. If your partner wants to buy $50 worth of digital trading cards or a fancy candle, let them. This eliminates the "permission" dynamic that breeds resentment.
- Unified Goals: Are you saving for a house? A trip to Japan? Retirement? If you aren't rowing in the same direction, you're just spinning the boat in circles. Agree on one major goal and prioritize it.
- Merge, but Don't Submerge: Many experts recommend a "Yours, Mine, and Ours" account structure. You have a joint account for the mortgage and groceries, but you keep your individual accounts for personal autonomy. It keeps the "for richer or poorer" vow grounded in mutual respect rather than total loss of self.
The Nuance of Debt
We have to talk about debt. It's the "poorer" side of the vow that most people bring into the marriage from day one. Student loans, car notes, that lingering balance from a reckless spring break in 2021—it all counts. When you marry someone, you aren't just marrying their personality; you’re marrying their debt-to-income ratio.
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In some states, you aren't legally responsible for debt your spouse took on before the marriage. But emotionally? You’re paying for it every single day. If your spouse’s $600-a-month student loan payment means you can’t afford a vacation, you’re feeling the weight of that debt. It requires a level of grace that most of us aren't naturally wired for. You have to decide, very early on, if "for richer or poorer" means "your debt is our debt." If the answer is no, the marriage is going to have a hard time surviving the first major financial hiccup.
When to Seek Professional Help
Sometimes, a budget isn't enough. If you’re lying about spending, hiding packages, or feeling genuine dread when the mail comes, you need a financial therapist. Not just an accountant—a therapist. Accountants tell you where the money went; therapists tell you why you sent it there.
There’s no shame in it.
The reality of for richer or poorer is that the "richer" times will probably be followed by "poorer" times, and then maybe "richer" again. It's a cycle. The couples who make it are the ones who realize that the money is just a tool, not the master of the house. They understand that a bank balance is a fluctuating number, but the commitment to tackle the number together is what actually holds the walls up.
Actionable Insights for Couples Today
Stop treating money like a taboo subject. It’s more intimate than sex and more divisive than politics. To actually live out the "for richer or poorer" promise, you need to be tactically prepared.
- Audit your "Financial Baggage": Write down your three biggest fears regarding money. Share them with your partner tonight.
- Create a "Crisis Protocol": Decide now what happens if one of you loses a job. Do you cut the streaming services immediately? Do you move? Having a plan reduces the panic when the "poorer" side of the vow actually shows up.
- Redefine "Rich": Is it a number in a brokerage account, or is it the ability to take a Tuesday off to go hiking? Get on the same page about what you’re actually working for.
Marriage is the biggest financial decision you will ever make. Treat it with that level of seriousness, but keep the empathy front and center. Because at the end of the day, when the "poorer" times hit, all you really have is the person sitting across from you.