Let’s be real for a second. Most of what you see in movies regarding a "first time" is a total lie. It’s usually portrayed as this perfectly lit, seamless, high-intensity moment where everything just clicks. In reality? It’s often a bit clunky. There’s usually a fair amount of "wait, does this go here?" and "hold on, my leg is cramping." And that is perfectly okay. Choosing the right first time sex positions isn’t about performing a Cirque du Soleil routine; it’s about reducing anxiety and making sure everyone actually feels good.
The goal here isn't just "getting it over with." It’s about intimacy. You want positions that allow for eye contact, easy communication, and—most importantly—control over depth and pace. If you’re nervous, your muscles tense up. When muscles tense, especially the pelvic floor, things get uncomfortable fast.
Honestly, the physical mechanics are only half the battle.
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The Missionary Myth and Why It Actually Works
You’ve probably heard people call missionary "boring." That’s a mistake. For a first-timer, missionary is arguably the gold standard, but not for the reasons you think. It’s not about lack of imagination. It’s about skin-to-skin contact. According to researchers like Dr. Emily Nagoski, author of Come As You Are, feeling safe and connected is a massive "off-ramp" for the stress response.
When you’re face-to-face, you can see if your partner is wincing or smiling. You can hear their breathing. If you need to stop, you don't have to shout over your shoulder.
But here is the pro tip: use a pillow. Seriously. Putting a firm pillow under the receiver's hips tilts the pelvis. This changes the angle of entry, often making it feel much more natural and less like a "collision." It also allows for more clitoral stimulation, which is a detail far too many people overlook during their first encounter. Most women—roughly 70% to 80% according to various studies, including those published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy—require clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm. Penetration alone usually doesn't do the trick.
Doggy Style is Often a Bad Idea (Initially)
People see this in porn and think it’s the go-to. It isn't. Not for the first time.
Why? Because it allows for the deepest penetration possible. For someone who hasn't had intercourse before, deep thrusting can be startling or even painful. There is also zero eye contact. If you’re the one being penetrated, you have very little control over the depth or speed in this position. You’re essentially "blind" to what’s happening behind you. Save this for later when you’re more comfortable with your partner’s rhythm and your own body’s reactions.
Being on Top: The Power of Control
If nerves are the main issue, the person receiving penetration should consider being on top. Often called "Cowgirl," this position is the ultimate "safety valve."
You're in charge.
You control the angle. You control how deep it goes. You control the speed. If something feels sharp or weird, you just lift up. It removes the "passive" element of sex that makes many first-timers feel vulnerable.
A lot of people worry about "what to do with their hands" or if they look "weird" from that angle. Trust me, your partner isn't judging your posture. They’re just happy to be there. If your legs get tired—which they will, because it’s a workout—you can lean forward and rest your weight on your partner’s chest. This keeps that intimacy high while giving your quads a break.
Side-Lying (The Spooning Position)
This is the most underrated of the first time sex positions.
It’s lazy in the best way possible. You’re both lying on your sides, one person behind the other. Because you’re lying down, your muscles are naturally more relaxed. There’s no gravity working against you. No one has to worry about holding their body weight up with their arms.
It’s intimate. It’s quiet. It’s slow.
For many, the "first time" involves a lot of adrenaline. Adrenaline is the enemy of arousal. Spooning sex lowers the heart rate. It feels more like a long hug that evolves into something else. The only downside? Eye contact is harder, but the physical closeness usually makes up for it.
The Role of Lubrication (Don't Skip This)
I cannot stress this enough: Buy lube.
Even if you think you’re ready. Even if you think you’re "wet enough." First-time nerves can cause the body to "dry up" mid-way through due to a spike in cortisol. Using a high-quality, water-based lubricant reduces friction. Friction is what causes the "burning" sensation many people report after their first time.
Avoid flavored lubes or anything with "cooling" or "tingling" effects for the first go-around. You want plain, simple, and effective. Brands like Sliquid or Uberlube are frequently recommended by sexual health educators because they don't mess with your pH balance.
Communication is a Physical Skill
We talk about communication like it’s a lecture. It’s not. It’s a physical skill.
- "Left a little."
- "Slower."
- "Can we stop for a second?"
- "That feels good."
These aren't "mood killers." They are instructions that make the experience better. If you’re silent, your partner has to guess. And most people are terrible guessers.
The "hymen" is another area where facts get distorted. Many people expect a "pop" or a lot of blood. For many, the hymen—which is actually just a thin, stretchy fringe of tissue called the vaginal corona—has already been stretched through sports, tampon use, or self-exploration. If you are relaxed and using plenty of lube, there might be no blood at all. Don't use blood as a metric for "success."
Preparation Beyond the Position
Before you even get to the bedroom, have the "talk." No, not the one your parents gave you. The one about protection.
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Nothing kills the mood faster than realizing no one has a condom or someone isn't on birth control when you're already halfway there. Make it a non-negotiable. Using a condom doesn't just prevent pregnancy and STIs; it provides a sense of mental security that allows you to actually relax into the first time sex positions you’ve chosen. If you’re worried about a "leak" the whole time, you aren't going to have fun.
A Quick Word on Expectations
Your first time will probably last about five to ten minutes of actual intercourse. That is normal.
It might be awkward. Also normal.
You might laugh. Honestly? Laughing is great. It breaks the tension. If things aren't working, don't force it. You can always stop, cuddle, and try again tomorrow or next week. Sex is a skill you develop over a lifetime, not a test you have to ace on the first try.
Actionable Steps for a Better First Time
- Prioritize Foreplay: Spend at least 20 minutes on non-penetrative touch. This ensures the body is physically ready and the vaginal tissues are engorged and pliable.
- Empty Your Bladder: Both before and after. It makes things more comfortable and helps prevent UTIs.
- The "Two-Finger Rule": Before attempting intercourse, use fingers to "check in" and see if the receiver is relaxed enough for entry.
- Start with Missionary (Pillow Version): It offers the best balance of intimacy and physical ease.
- Keep Lube Within Arm's Reach: Don't make it a "big deal"—just keep the bottle on the nightstand.
- Focus on Breathing: If you find yourself holding your breath, you’re tensing your pelvic muscles. Deep, slow breaths are your best friend.
- Post-Sex Care: Have a towel nearby and maybe some water. Checking in with each other afterward ("How are you feeling?") is just as important as the act itself.
First-time sex is a milestone, sure, but it's just the beginning of a long journey of self-discovery. Take the pressure off. Focus on the person, not just the mechanics.