We’ve all been there, staring at a screen or a ceiling, wondering if that "lightning bolt" moment actually exists. You know the one. The cinematic, breathless realization that you’ve finally found my one and my only love. It’s a heavy phrase. Honestly, it's a lot of pressure to put on a single human being who probably forgets to take the recycling out or leaves wet towels on the floor.
The idea of a "one and only" isn't just a Hallmark invention. It’s deeply rooted in our psychology, our history, and even our neurobiology. But there is a massive gap between the fairy tale version and what actually keeps two people together for fifty years. People get messy. Life gets complicated. Somewhere between the dopamine rush of a first date and the quiet comfort of a long-term partnership, we have to figure out if the person sitting across from us is a temporary guest or the final destination.
The Dopamine Trap: Why We Think We’ve Found It
Biology is kind of a prankster. When you first meet someone and feel that magnetic pull, your brain isn't thinking about shared values or long-term financial goals. It’s essentially a high-end drug lab.
Dr. Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist who has spent decades studying the brain in love, found that the early stages of intense romantic love involve the same neural pathways associated with cocaine addiction. Your ventral tegmental area (VTA) is screaming. It’s pumping out dopamine. You aren't seeing a person; you’re seeing a projection of every hope you’ve ever had. This is usually when people start using the phrase my one and my only love. It feels true because, chemically, your brain is convinced that this specific person is the sole source of your survival and happiness.
But here is the catch. This state, often called "limerence," usually lasts between six months and two years. It has an expiration date.
If you're basing your entire definition of a "soulmate" on this feeling, you're going to be disappointed. True "one and only" status isn't discovered in that initial haze. It’s built afterward. You’ve got to move from the dopamine-heavy "attraction" phase into the oxytocin-rich "attachment" phase. That’s where the real work—and the real reward—actually lives.
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What Most People Get Wrong About Soulmates
There's this weird, almost toxic idea that if someone is your "one and only," things should be easy. You shouldn't have to work at it, right? Wrong.
Psychologist Carol Dweck talks a lot about "growth mindsets" versus "fixed mindsets." This applies to love more than almost anything else. If you have a "destiny" belief—the idea that you and your partner are either a perfect fit or you aren't—you are actually more likely to give up when things get hard. You’ll think, "Well, if they were really my one and my only love, we wouldn't be arguing about the budget."
Actually, the strongest couples are usually the ones who view their relationship as a "growth" project. They don't find the perfect person. They find a person they want to build a perfect life with. It’s a subtle shift in perspective, but it changes everything.
The 80/20 Reality
Basically, nobody is going to meet 100% of your needs. If you find someone who hits about 80%, you’ve hit the jackpot. The mistake people make is spending all their time obsessing over the 20% that’s missing. Maybe they aren't as adventurous as you’d like, or maybe their taste in music is objectively terrible. If they are kind, reliable, and make you feel safe, that’s the foundation of a "one and only."
The Science of Lasting Connection
John Gottman, the famous relationship researcher who can predict divorce with over 90% accuracy, doesn't look for grand romantic gestures. He looks for "bids."
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A bid is just a tiny attempt at connection.
"Hey, look at that weird bird outside."
"Wow, I’m really tired today."
When you say my one and my only love, you’re talking about the person who consistently turns toward those bids. They look at the bird. They ask why you’re tired. It sounds boring. It sounds small. But over twenty years, those thousands of tiny "turning towards" moments create a "we-ness" that is impenetrable.
Emotional Intelligence and the "One"
You can’t have a soulmate-level connection with someone who has the emotional depth of a teaspoon. Hard truth. For someone to be your "one and only," there has to be a shared level of vulnerability.
Dr. Brené Brown’s research on shame and vulnerability is pretty clear here: you can’t truly love someone if you don't let them see the parts of you that you’re afraid of. If you’re hiding your insecurities or your past mistakes, you aren't in a "one and only" relationship. You’re in a performance.
When the Feeling Fades (And Why That’s Okay)
It’s going to happen. One day, you’ll look at them and won't feel the butterflies. You’ll just feel... fine. Or maybe even a little annoyed.
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This isn't a sign that you’ve made a mistake. It’s a sign that the relationship is maturing. In the long-term, my one and my only love becomes a choice rather than just a feeling. It’s a commitment to show up when things are mundane.
Sociologists often talk about "companionate love." It’s less about the fire and more about the glow. It’s the person you want to sit in silence with. It’s the person who knows how you take your coffee and remembers that you hate that one specific cousin of theirs.
Red Flags That They Aren't "The One"
Honestly, we spend so much time looking for "the signs" of love that we ignore the signs of disaster.
- The "Changing" Project: If you’re with them because of who you think they could be in five years, you aren't in love with them. You’re in love with a fictional character.
- Isolation: A true "one and only" should expand your world, not shrink it. If you’re losing friends and family to keep them happy, that’s not a soulmate. That’s a hostage situation.
- Lack of Safety: This isn't just physical. If you’re afraid to bring up a concern because they might blow up or shut down, the foundation isn't there.
Actionable Steps to Building a "One and Only" Bond
If you want to move past the "searching" phase and into the "building" phase, you need a strategy. Love is a verb, not just a noun.
- Audit Your "Bids": For the next week, pay attention to how often your partner reaches out for a small moment of attention. Turn toward them every single time you can. See if they do the same for you.
- Define Your Non-Negotiables: Stop looking for a "vibe" and start looking for values. Do you both want kids? How do you handle money? Do you value career over leisure? If your values don't align, the "one and only" feeling will eventually crumble under the weight of reality.
- Practice Radical Honesty: Tell them something you’re embarrassed about. See how they handle your vulnerability. This is the ultimate litmus test for a lifelong partner.
- Create Shared Meaning: Whether it’s a Sunday morning tradition or a long-term goal to travel to every continent, "one and only" couples have a shared "culture." They have a language and a set of rituals that only belong to them.
The search for my one and my only love doesn't end when you find the person. It actually starts there. It's the daily decision to stay curious about them, even when you think you know everything there is to know. It’s about realizing that the "one" isn't found; the "one" is forged through time, conflict, and a whole lot of shared coffee.
Stop looking for the person who completes you. Look for the person who inspires you to complete yourself, while they do the same. That’s the only way the math of "one and only" actually works out in the long run.