Honestly, the "chase" is a lie. We’ve been fed this narrative through movies and music that love is supposed to be this exhausting, uphill battle where you eventually win over someone who wasn't sure about you. It’s dramatic. It makes for great cinema. But in the real world? It's kind of a disaster for your mental health. The most transformative shift you can make in your romantic life is deciding that you are only interested in love who loves you back.
It sounds simple. Almost too simple. Yet, so many of us spend years—decades, even—hooked on the potential of people who only give us crumbs.
The Psychology of Why We Chase Unrequited Feelings
Why do we do it? Why is it so hard to just walk away when the energy isn't being returned? Dr. Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist who has spent her life studying the brain in love, found that being rejected by a romantic interest can actually trigger the same parts of the brain associated with physical pain and addiction. You aren't just "sad." Your brain is literally going through withdrawal. This creates a "frustration attraction" where the person who doesn't want you becomes even more valuable in your mind simply because they are unavailable.
It's a trap. A physiological, dopamine-fueled trap.
We often mistake the anxiety of "will they/won't they" for passion. If you're constantly checking your phone, overanalyzing their texts, or wondering where you stand, that isn't butterflies. That’s your nervous system being under constant stress. Genuine love who loves you back feels different. It’s grounded. It’s boring in the best way possible because you aren't constantly wondering if the floor is about to drop out from under you.
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Attachment Theory and the Reciprocity Gap
You’ve probably heard of Attachment Theory. Developed by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, and later popularized by the book Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, it explains why some of us are drawn to the "avoidant" types. If you have an anxious attachment style, you might subconsciously seek out people who pull away. It feels familiar. It feels like the "work" you’re used to doing for affection.
But here is the thing: You cannot "earn" someone’s love.
Reciprocity is the baseline. It’s not the prize at the end of a marathon. When you find love who loves you back, the communication is clear. There are no games. You don't have to wait three hours to text back just to seem "busy." If you want to see them, you say so, and they say "me too." That’s the magic. It’s the lack of friction.
Breaking the Cycle of One-Sided Devotion
If you find yourself stuck in a loop of loving people who don't love you back, you have to look at your "must-have" list. Most people list things like "funny," "attractive," or "ambitious."
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Rarely do people put "interested in me" at the top of the list.
It should be the number one requirement. If someone is 10/10 on everything else but 2/10 on being available to you, they are a 2/10 partner. Period. You have to stop falling in love with potential. You have to stop dating a "project."
Real experts in relationship science, like those at The Gottman Institute, talk about "bids for connection." These are small moments where one person reaches out for a bit of attention or support. In healthy, reciprocal relationships, partners turn toward these bids about 86% of the time. In relationships headed for divorce? That number drops to around 33%. Reciprocity isn't just a vibe; it's a measurable data point in successful long-term partnerships.
The Mirror Effect: How Reciprocal Love Changes You
When you finally experience love who loves you back, your entire personality starts to breathe again. You stop being the "needy" version of yourself because your needs are actually being met. It’s wild how "chill" you become when you aren't being starved of affection.
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You start to realize that the "spark" you were chasing in the past was actually just instability. Stable love allows you to focus on other things—your career, your hobbies, your friends. It’s a launchpad, not a cage.
- Consistency over Intensity: Look for the person who shows up on Tuesday afternoon, not just the one who sends a "u up?" text at midnight on Saturday.
- The Power of "Yes": When you suggest a plan, do they make it happen? Or do they give a vague "we should totally do that sometime"?
- Vulnerability Balance: Are you the only one sharing your fears and dreams? If you’re the only one being vulnerable, you’re not in a relationship; you’re in a monologue.
Actionable Steps to Finding Reciprocity
Stop waiting for people to change. They won't. Or maybe they will, but not on your timeline, and not because you asked them to. Your time is the only currency you can't get more of. Stop spending it on people who treat you like an option.
- Audit your current "crushes" or interests. Be brutally honest. If you stopped initiating contact today, how many of them would reach out to you within a week? If the answer is zero, that's your cue to exit.
- Define your "reciprocity floor." Decide right now what the bare minimum of effort looks like for you. Maybe it’s a text back within a reasonable timeframe. Maybe it’s a weekend date that they actually planned. Whatever it is, do not negotiate with yourself on it.
- Practice being "too much." This sounds counterintuitive. But if you are authentically yourself—with all your enthusiasm and "too much-ness"—the wrong people will filter themselves out quickly. The person who is capable of love who loves you back will see your energy and meet it.
- Watch the "Turn-Toward" moments. Pay attention to how people react when you share good news. Do they celebrate with you? Or do they minimize it? Reciprocity exists in the highs as much as the lows.
- Heal the "Inadequacy" Wound. Often, we chase people who don't love us back because we don't believe we deserve the ones who do. Work with a therapist or use journaling to figure out why "easy love" feels "wrong" to you.
The goal isn't just to be in a relationship. The goal is to be in a relationship where you can exhaling. You deserve a love that doesn't require a map, a magnifying glass, or a secret decoder ring to understand. You deserve the kind of love that meets you halfway, picks up the tab for the emotional labor once in a while, and looks at you with the same clarity you offer them.
Stop settling for the chase. Start looking for the return.