It starts small. Maybe it’s a comment about how you’re "bad with numbers" or a suggestion that you should just let your partner handle the mortgage because they’re "better at that stuff." Then, it grows. Suddenly, you’re asking for permission to buy a latte or realizing your name isn’t actually on the deed to the house you’ve lived in for a decade. This is the reality for millions, and honestly, the term we usually use—financial abuse—hardly captures the physical and emotional weight of it. That’s why many experts now call it financial violence. It isn't just a disagreement about spending; it’s a systematic tactic used to strip away a person's autonomy and keep them trapped in a relationship through economic chains.
When people ask what is financial violence, they often expect a simple answer like "stolen money." But it’s way more complicated than a missing $20 bill. It’s a method of control. According to the Allstate Foundation, financial abuse occurs in 99% of domestic violence cases. Think about that for a second. Nearly every single time someone is being physically or emotionally harmed by a partner, money is being used as a weapon, too. It is the number one reason victims stay or return to an abusive environment. If you don't have a penny to your name, how do you buy a bus ticket? How do you feed your kids? You can't. And that’s exactly the point.
The Subtle Mechanics of Economic Control
We need to talk about how this actually functions in the real world because it’s rarely as obvious as someone snatching a wallet. It's subtle. It's insidious. It might look like "financial infidelity," where a spouse hides debt or opens secret accounts, but it often goes much deeper into sabotage.
Imagine you have a job interview. You've prepared for weeks. On the morning of the interview, your partner "accidentally" forgets to put gas in the car or starts a massive, draining argument that leaves you shaking and unable to perform. Or maybe they refuse to pay for childcare so you can't go to work at all. This is employment sabotage, a core pillar of financial violence. It ensures you remain dependent on them for every basic need. It's not just about the money; it's about the power that money represents.
Forced Debt and "Paper" Violence
Then there is the issue of coerced debt. This is a nightmare to untangle. Victims are often forced to take out loans or credit cards in their name for the abuser to spend. If they refuse? Threats, physical harm, or emotional manipulation follow. The abuser spends the money, skips the payments, and the victim is left with a credit score in the 400s.
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This creates a "paper" prison. Even if the victim manages to leave, they can't rent an apartment because of their credit history. They can't get a car loan. Sometimes they can’t even get a cell phone plan. The violence follows them long after the relationship ends, showing up in background checks and bank statements. It is a lingering, invisible scar that keeps people tied to their past.
Why We Struggle to See It
Society has this weird hang-up about talking about money. We’re taught it’s private. Rude, even. This cultural silence is the perfect breeding ground for financial violence to thrive. People feel ashamed. They think, How did I let this happen? or I should have been smarter. But let’s be real: abusers are often incredibly charming at first. They frame their control as "taking care of things" or "protecting the family's future." By the time you realize you’re being suffocated, you’re already deep in the woods.
The Legal Blind Spot
Our legal system hasn't always been great at catching up, either. For a long time, if you were married, "your" money was "our" money, and it was hard to prove a crime was even committed. Thankfully, things are shifting. States like California have started to incorporate financial abuse into their domestic violence statutes, recognizing that economic harm is a legitimate form of trauma. Organizations like the National Network to End Domestic Violence (NNEDV) have been screaming this from the rooftops for years. They've pioneered "economic justice" programs because they know that until a survivor is financially stable, they aren't truly free.
The Intersection of Culture and Cash
It’s also worth noting that financial violence doesn’t hit everyone the same way. In many immigrant communities, abusers might use a partner's lack of knowledge about the U.S. banking system or their immigration status as leverage. They might threaten to stop sponsoring a visa if the partner demands access to the bank account. In some cultures, the idea of "family money" is so ingrained that the concept of individual financial rights feels alien. This makes the violence even harder to identify and report.
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And it’s not just romantic partners. We see this with the elderly constantly. "Grandchild scams" get all the headlines, but the real damage is usually done by family members or caregivers who slowly drain an older person's life savings. It’s the same power dynamic: one person has the keys to the vault, and the other is too vulnerable to stop them.
Real-World Examples of Financial Sabotage
Let’s look at some specific, concrete behaviors that define what is financial violence. These aren't just "bad habits." They are red flags.
- The Allowance: A partner provides a strictly limited amount of money for groceries or clothes and demands every single receipt. If the math is off by fifty cents, there's hell to pay.
- Asset Hiding: You know you're making a good living, but the bank account is always empty. You find out later they’ve been funneling money into accounts you can't see.
- The "Stay-at-Home" Trap: A partner insists you quit your job to "focus on the kids," but then uses that lack of income to belittle you or force you to do things you aren't comfortable with.
- Identity Theft: Using your Social Security number to open lines of credit without your knowledge.
- Refusing to Pay Support: After a breakup, deliberately quitting a job or working "under the table" to avoid paying child support, effectively using the children as a way to continue the financial squeeze.
Reclaiming the Narrative: How to Break Free
Breaking free from financial violence is, quite frankly, terrifying. It’s a chess match where the other person has all the pieces. But it's possible. It starts with awareness. You have to stop calling it "money problems" and call it what it is: abuse.
If you suspect you're in this situation, the first step is safety—physical and digital. Abusers often monitor phones and computers. If you can, use a safe computer (like at a library) to start your research.
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Building a "Go" Bag (The Digital Version)
You need copies of everything. Tax returns, pay stubs, bank statements, birth certificates, and Social Security cards. If you can’t take the originals, take photos and upload them to a secure cloud account that the abuser doesn't know exists. Change your passwords. All of them. Use a password manager that requires a fingerprint or a code they don't have.
The Power of Small Steps
Open a "secret" bank account if it's safe to do so. Even if you can only put $5 a week into it, it’s a start. Look for "second chance" banking programs designed for people with poor credit. There are non-profits, like FreeFrom, specifically dedicated to helping survivors build the financial floor they need to stand on. They offer micro-grants and financial coaching that actually accounts for the trauma of abuse.
Actionable Steps for Survivors and Allies
If this is your life right now, or if you’re trying to help someone else, here is a practical roadmap.
- Safety First: If you are in immediate physical danger, call a hotline or the authorities. Money matters, but your life matters more.
- Document Everything: Keep a log of every time you are denied access to money, every time your job is sabotaged, and every time you are forced to sign a document. This is evidence.
- Check Your Credit: Use a free service to see what’s actually in your name. You might be surprised—and not in a good way—to see what debt has been racked up without your consent.
- Security Freeze: Put a freeze on your credit reports with Equifax, Experian, and TransUnion. This prevents the abuser from opening new accounts in your name.
- Connect with Experts: Don't just go to a regular financial planner. Reach out to domestic violence advocates who understand the specific nuances of financial violence. They can help you create a safety plan that includes your finances.
- The "Paper Trail" Strategy: If you are planning to leave, start redirecting small amounts of cash or even gift cards. It sounds like something out of a movie, but having $100 in grocery store gift cards can be the difference between eating and going hungry in the first week of freedom.
Financial violence is a heavy burden to carry, but it doesn't have to be a life sentence. It thrives in the dark, in the silence, and in the "private" corners of a household. By talking about it, naming it, and understanding the tactics used, we take away its power. Freedom is more than just leaving a room; it’s having the resources to never have to walk back into it.
Start by pulling your credit report today. Just look. Knowing the landscape is the first step toward owning it again. You aren't "bad with money." You were put in a position where you weren't allowed to have any. That can change.