Ever feel like you’re doing everything "right" but still feel totally empty? You’ve got the career, the house, maybe the family, and you follow the rules. Yet, there’s this nagging sense that you’re just performing a role.
Richard Rohr has a name for that. He calls it the "first half of life."
Most of us spend our entire existence trying to build a perfect container—our identity, our reputation, our security. We think the goal is to keep climbing. But in his classic book Falling Upwards, Rohr argues that the real growth, the stuff that actually makes you a "spiritual elder" and not just an old person, only happens when that container cracks.
Basically, you have to fail to find yourself. It sounds like a Hallmark card until you’re actually in the middle of a divorce, a job loss, or a health crisis. Then, it feels like the end of the world. Rohr says it’s actually the beginning.
The Two Halves of Life: It’s Not About Your Age
Here is the thing: the "second half of life" isn't a chronological thing. You’ve probably met 80-year-olds who are still stuck in the first half—obsessed with who’s right, who’s wrong, and how they look to others. On the flip side, you might know a 30-year-old who has been through enough hell to have the wisdom of a sage.
The First Half: Building the Container
In the first half, your job is to create a "loyal soldier." This is the part of your ego that helps you survive. It’s the voice that tells you to get good grades, follow the law, and fit in.
- The Goal: Success, security, and identity.
- The Problem: We mistake the container for the contents.
- The Result: A lot of "successful" people who are incredibly brittle and judgmental.
Rohr isn't saying the first half is bad. You actually need a strong ego to eventually let go of it. You can't "transcend" a self that hasn't been formed yet. It’s like building a rocket; you need the boosters to get off the ground, even if you eventually have to jettison them to reach orbit.
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Why You Have to Fall to Move Up
The title Falling Upwards is a bit of a paradox. Rohr leans heavily on the idea of the "stumbling stone."
Most of us think of spiritual growth as an upward ladder. We get better, kinder, and more "holy" every year. But Rohr, drawing on Franciscan mysticism and thinkers like Carl Jung, says that real transformation is usually a "path of descent."
Something has to go wrong.
You need a situation that you cannot fix, control, or explain away. When your "loyal soldier" fails to protect you from the messiness of life, you’re forced to find a deeper source of strength. This is what Rohr calls "falling upward." You’re losing your status or your certainty, but you’re gaining your soul.
Honestly, the ego hates this. It wants to win. It wants to be right. Rohr famously says, "The ego hates losing—even to God."
Discharging Your Loyal Soldier
One of the coolest metaphors in the book is the story of the Japanese soldier. After a war, a soldier needs to be formally thanked and then told: "The war is over. We don't need a soldier anymore; we need a citizen."
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Many of us are still living like we’re at war. We’re defensive. We’re protecting a version of ourselves that served us at age 20 but is now stifling us at 50.
Moving into the second half of life requires "discharging" that inner soldier. It means realizing that the rules and boundaries that kept you safe in the first half are now the very things keeping you from experiencing grace.
What Second-Half Life Actually Looks Like
- From Law to Love: You stop worrying about who’s "in" or "out" and start caring about compassion.
- From Dualistic to Non-Dualistic: You stop seeing the world in black and white. You can sit with contradictions without needing to "fix" them.
- A Bright Sadness: This is a classic Rohr-ism. It’s the ability to see the tragedy of the world and still feel a deep, underlying joy.
The Critics: Not Everyone is a Fan
It’s worth noting that Rohr gets a lot of heat from traditionalists. Some evangelical critics argue that he’s a bit too "New Age" or that he ignores the necessity of repentance. They worry that his focus on "falling" makes sin seem like a necessary stage rather than something to be avoided.
Others, like those writing for the C.S. Lewis Institute, have pointed out that Rohr’s "two halves" framework can feel a bit like a "permission slip" to abandon commitments like marriage or traditional doctrine in the name of "spiritual growth."
But for millions of readers, Rohr is just describing what they’re already feeling: that the "fast-food religion" of their youth isn't enough to sustain them through real grief.
How to Start Falling Upward (Without Ruining Your Life)
You don't have to go out and blow up your life to reach the second half. Life usually does that for you. The real work is in how you respond when the "falling" happens.
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Stop trying to fix the unfixable. If you’re in a season of failure, stop exhausting yourself trying to get back to "normal." Maybe "normal" was the problem. Ask yourself: What is this failure trying to teach me about who I really am?
Look for the "Both/And." Next time you find yourself getting angry about a political or religious issue, try to find the nuance. Can someone be wrong about one thing and right about another? Moving away from "either/or" thinking is the hallmark of a second-half person.
Practice Contemplation. Rohr is a huge advocate for silence. You can't hear the "Real Guide" if your "Loyal Soldier" is constantly screaming orders at you. Take five minutes of pure silence a day—no apps, no music, no praying for stuff. Just being.
Acknowledge your shadow. The things that irritate you most in other people are often the parts of yourself you’ve pushed into the basement. Owning your "shadow" makes you much harder to offend and much easier to be around.
The goal isn't to be perfect. It's to be whole. And as Rohr points out, the only way to get there is usually through the floor.
Next Steps for the Journey
- Audit your "Loyal Soldier": Write down three rules you live by that were helpful when you were younger but might be making you rigid or judgmental now.
- Find a "Second-Half" Mentor: Look for someone in your life who has suffered a major loss but come out the other side more compassionate and less defensive. Ask them how they handled the "fall."
- Re-read the "Stumbling Stone" sections: If you're currently in a crisis, focus on Rohr's chapters regarding "Necessary Suffering." It helps reframe the pain as "labor pains" for a new version of yourself.