You know that feeling. The one where your phone pings and your heart actually does a little somersault? That's the biological firestorm of early-stage romance. But then, fast forward three years, and suddenly the way they chew their toast makes you want to move to a different continent. It’s a weird, jarring transition. One day you’re certain they are "The One," and the next, you’re staring at them across the couch wondering who this stranger is and why they’re wearing those ugly socks. Honestly, falling in and out of love isn't just a plot point in a Taylor Swift song; it’s a measurable, biological, and psychological cycle that almost every long-term couple navigates.
Most people think love is a permanent state of being, like having blue eyes or being tall. It isn’t. Love is more like a tide. It ebbs. It flows. Sometimes it recedes so far you think the ocean is gone for good. But understanding why we drift can be the difference between a messy breakup and a relationship that actually lasts decades.
The Chemistry of Why We Fall In and Out of Love
Science has a lot to say about why we feel like we’re losing our minds when we first meet someone. Dr. Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist who has spent decades scanning the brains of people in love, found that early-stage romantic love is basically a dopamine addiction. Your brain is flooded with norepinephrine and dopamine. You’re high. Literally.
But the brain can’t stay in that state forever. If we stayed in the "honeymoon phase" indefinitely, we’d never get any work done. We’d probably starve. Eventually, the dopamine levels drop, and the brain tries to swap them out for oxytocin and vasopressin—the "attachment" hormones. This is where the trouble starts for a lot of people. When that initial drug-like high fades, they mistake the lack of intensity for a lack of love. They think they’ve fallen in and out of love, when really, their brain is just trying to move them into a more sustainable, long-term gear.
It's a shock to the system. You go from obsessive thinking to... just living. And in that transition, the "flaws" you previously ignored become glaringly obvious. You start to notice that they’re actually kinda messy, or they don’t share your sense of humor, or their political views are slightly more annoying than you remembered.
When the Drift Becomes a Departure
So, why do some people actually fall out of love for real? It’s rarely one big explosion. Usually, it’s a thousand tiny paper cuts. Psychologists often point to "The Four Horsemen," a concept developed by Dr. John Gottman after decades of observing couples in his "Love Lab." These are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.
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Contempt is the big one. It’s the greatest predictor of divorce. When you start to feel superior to your partner—when you’re rolling your eyes at their stories or mocking them—you’re actively eroding the foundation of love. You aren't just drifting; you’re pushing the boat away from the shore.
- Emotional Neglect: This is subtle. It’s not a fight. It’s just... silence. You stop sharing your day. You stop asking about theirs.
- The "Roommate" Syndrome: You’re great at managing the budget and the kids’ schedules, but you haven’t had a conversation that didn't involve a grocery list in six months.
- Unresolved Resentment: That thing they said four years ago? You’ve never actually forgiven them for it. It sits there, a cold stone in your stomach, blocking any warmth from getting through.
Sometimes, falling in and out of love is a protective mechanism. If a relationship feels unsafe or consistently draining, your brain might just "shut off" the romantic feelings to protect you from further hurt. It’s a form of emotional checked-out-ness.
The Myth of "The One"
We’ve been sold a lie by rom-coms. The idea that there is one perfect person who will keep us eternally satisfied is, frankly, exhausting. It puts an incredible amount of pressure on a partner to be everything: a best friend, a passionate lover, a co-parent, and a career coach. When they inevitably fail at one of those roles, we panic. We think, "Oh no, I must have fallen out of love," rather than realizing that no human can be everything to another human all the time.
Esther Perel, a renowned psychotherapist, often talks about the paradox of intimacy. We want security and domesticity, but we also want mystery and eroticism. The problem is that those two things often cancel each other out. It’s hard to feel a sense of wild mystery with someone who just watched you deal with a stomach flu.
Is it Possible to Fall Back In?
Here’s the part most people get wrong: they think falling back in love requires a massive, cinematic gesture. It doesn't. It requires intentionality. It's about small, boring, daily choices.
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If you feel like you’ve fallen out of love, the first thing to ask is whether you’re actually out of love or just out of connection. There’s a massive difference. Connection can be rebuilt.
- The 6-Second Kiss: John Gottman suggests a six-second kiss. It’s long enough to feel like a moment but short enough not to be weird. It triggers oxytocin.
- Shared Novelty: Dopamine is triggered by new experiences. If you only ever go to the same Italian place on Fridays, your brain goes on autopilot. Go skydiving. Take a pottery class. Go to a weird museum. Do something that makes you both feel a little out of your element.
- Active Constructive Responding: When your partner tells you something good that happened in their day—even if it’s just that they found a cool pen—react with genuine enthusiasm. Don't just grunt and keep scrolling on your phone.
Falling in and out of love is often a reflection of how much effort we are putting into "dating" our spouse. We spend months or years wooing someone, and then we just... stop. We assume the fire will stay lit without any logs. It won’t.
Recognizing the Point of No Return
Let’s be real: sometimes it’s over. It’s important to acknowledge that not every relationship is meant to last forever. If there is physical, emotional, or verbal abuse, the goal shouldn't be "falling back in love"—it should be getting out safely.
Even in non-abusive situations, if the core values have diverged so much that you no longer respect the person, it’s incredibly difficult to find your way back. Respect is the soil love grows in. If the soil is toxic, nothing will bloom, no matter how much you water it.
If you find yourself dreading their return home, or if the thought of a future with them feels like a prison sentence rather than a partnership, those are signs that the "out" part of the cycle might be permanent. And that’s okay. Ending a relationship that no longer serves either person is often the most loving thing you can do.
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Actionable Steps for the "Out of Love" Funk
If you’re currently in that weird, cold space where you feel disconnected, don't panic. Feelings are fickle. They change. Here is how you can start to navigate back toward the "in" side of the equation.
Check your personal "bucket." Often, we think we are out of love with our partner when we are actually just burnt out on life. If you’re stressed at work, not sleeping, and hating your body, you’re not going to have much love to give anyone else. Fix your own baseline first.
Practice "Glimmers." For one week, ignore everything they do wrong. Focus entirely on small "glimmers"—things they do right. Did they put their dish in the dishwasher? Did they look nice in that shirt? Write it down. We tend to see what we are looking for. If you look for reasons to be annoyed, you’ll find them. If you look for reasons to be grateful, you’ll find those too.
Re-establish the "Why." Sit down and talk about why you got together in the first place. Look at old photos. Reminisce about that disastrous camping trip where it rained the whole time. Nostalgia is a powerful tool for re-linking your current partner with the person you fell for years ago.
The "Ask" Instead of the "Demand." Instead of saying, "You never spend time with me," try saying, "I’ve been feeling a bit lonely and I’d really love to just sit and talk with you for twenty minutes tonight." It’s much harder for someone to be defensive against a vulnerable request than a sharp accusation.
Love isn't a lightning bolt that hits you once. It’s a choice you make every Tuesday morning when you’re tired and the coffee is cold. Navigating the cycles of falling in and out of love is part of the human experience. It’s messy, it’s confusing, and it’s rarely as simple as the movies make it look. But for those willing to do the work, the "flowing" of the tide back in can be even more beautiful than the first time it arrived.
Next Steps for Your Relationship
- Schedule a "State of the Union": Once a week, spend 10 minutes asking: "What did I do this week that made you feel loved?" and "Is there anything I can do next week to make you feel more supported?"
- Identify Your "Love Language": If you haven't already, figure out how you and your partner give and receive love. You might be washing their car (Acts of Service) while they’re dying for you to just hold their hand (Physical Touch).
- Seek Neutral Ground: If you're stuck in a loop of the same three fights, a therapist isn't a sign of failure; it’s a coach for your relationship. Having a third party help you translate your "out of love" feelings can often reveal that the love is still there—it's just buried under some junk.