We've all heard the jokes about how marriage is where sex goes to die, or how long-term relationships eventually trade "fireworks" for sweatpants and Netflix. It’s a cliché because it happens. But the weird thing is, we keep looking for the "fix" in the wrong place. People buy toys, try new positions, or read listicles about "spicing things up," only to realize the vibe is still... off. Honestly, the disconnect usually isn't about physical technique. It's about how sex and love actually intersect in the brain and the nervous system.
You can't separate them. Not really.
When we talk about sex, we're really talking about a specific type of vulnerability. If you don't feel safe or seen by your partner at 2:00 PM while arguing over whose turn it is to do the dishes, the odds of you feeling deeply connected and "turned on" at 10:00 PM are slim to none. This is what researchers like Dr. Sue Johnson, the founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), call "attachment security." Basically, if the bond is shaky, the bedroom is usually the first place that reflects the cracks.
The Chemistry of Why We Stop Wanting Each Other
It’s not just in your head. It’s chemistry.
When you first meet someone and the sex is explosive, you're riding a wave of dopamine and norepinephrine. It’s high-alert, high-reward stuff. But that phase—the "Limerence" phase—is biologically designed to end. It has to. If your brain stayed in that state forever, you’d never get any work done and your heart would probably give out. Eventually, the body tries to transition from the "chase" chemicals to the "bonding" chemicals, specifically oxytocin and vasopressin.
This is where people get tripped up. They mistake the loss of that initial, anxious "spark" for a loss of love. In reality, it’s just your biology asking for a different kind of fuel.
Oxytocin is often called the "cuddle hormone," but that’s a bit reductive. It’s a trust hormone. It lowers cortisol (the stress hormone). If you’re constantly stressed—because of work, kids, or a partner who feels more like a roommate—your cortisol is too high for oxytocin to do its job. You’re in "survival mode." And nobody feels particularly sexy when they’re in survival mode. You're just tired.
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It Isn't Just "Sex"—It's "Sex Making"
There’s a reason some people prefer the term "making love" over "having sex," even if it sounds a bit old-fashioned or cheesy to some. It implies an active creation of something between two people.
Think about the work of Esther Perel. She’s famous for pointing out the paradox of intimacy: we want our partners to be our best friends and our "anchor," but desire requires a bit of distance and mystery. It’s hard to want what you already have in total abundance. So, the trick to sex making in a long-term deal is learning how to be "together" without losing your individual selves.
You need to be two separate people to have a bridge between you.
If you’ve become a "we" to the point where you don't have your own hobbies, your own thoughts, or your own life, the tension disappears. No tension, no spark. It’s a delicate balance. You need the safety of the love to feel comfortable exploring, but you need the "otherness" of the partner to keep the erotic interest alive.
The "Responsive Desire" Trap
A huge misconception that ruins a lot of relationships is the idea that desire should always be spontaneous.
You know the movie version: you look at each other across the kitchen, and suddenly you’re tearing each other's clothes off. For a lot of people—statistically more women, but plenty of men too—desire is responsive. This means you don't just "get" horny out of the blue. You start the process, you engage in some physical touch or emotional closeness, and then the desire shows up.
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If you're waiting to "be in the mood" before you ever initiate sex making, you might be waiting a long time.
Dr. Rosemary Basson’s model of female sexual response changed the game here. She argued that for many in long-term relationships, the cycle starts with a "neutral" state. You decide to be intimate because you value the connection, and the physical arousal follows the mental decision. It’s not "faking it." It’s understanding how your engine starts. Some engines need a bit of a warm-up before you hit the highway.
Why Your "Love Language" Might Be Getting in the Way
We've all heard of the Five Love Languages. It's a useful framework, sure. But it can also become a bit of a cage.
If your partner’s language is "Acts of Service" and yours is "Physical Touch," you might spend all day doing the laundry and wonder why they aren't jumping your bones later. Conversely, they might give you a hug and you think, "Great, but the kitchen is still a mess."
The problem is that sex often functions as its own language entirely.
It’s a way of communicating things that words can’t quite catch. For some, sex is how they achieve intimacy. For others, they need intimacy before they can have sex. If you’re the "sex leads to intimacy" person and your partner is the "intimacy leads to sex" person, you’re going to be at a constant stalemate unless you talk about it.
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The Role of Vulnerability and Shame
Sex making is the most vulnerable thing we do. It’s not just about being naked physically; it’s about the ego.
Rejection hurts. When you initiate and get a "not tonight," it doesn't just feel like a "no" to sex; it feels like a "no" to you. Over time, to protect ourselves from that sting, we stop trying. We build walls. We stay on our side of the bed and scroll through TikTok until we fall asleep.
Brené Brown’s research on shame is actually super relevant here. Shame thrives in silence. If there's something you want to try, or something that isn't working for you, and you don't say it because you're afraid of being "weird" or hurting your partner's feelings, that silence becomes a brick in the wall between you.
The best sex usually happens in relationships where people can be "clumsy." Where it’s okay if things are awkward or if someone gets a cramp or if the kids start crying in the next room. When the stakes are "perfection," the pressure kills the joy. When the stakes are "connection," you can laugh through the weird stuff.
Practical Shifts for Deeper Connection
Stop looking for a magic pill. It doesn’t exist. Instead, look at the "micro-moments" of your day.
- The 6-Second Kiss: Dr. John Gottman, who has studied thousands of couples, suggests a six-second kiss. It’s long enough to feel like a moment of true connection rather than a perfunctory peck on the cheek, and it actually triggers a physiological shift in the body.
- Audit Your "Bids": A "bid" is any attempt at connection. It could be a comment about a bird outside or a touch on the shoulder. If you constantly ignore or "turn away" from your partner’s bids during the day, don't expect them to "turn toward" you in bed.
- Talk About the "Why": Instead of complaining about the frequency of sex, talk about what sex means to you. Does it make you feel powerful? Safe? Appreciated? Playful? Understanding the emotional "why" is way more productive than arguing about the "how often."
- Prioritize Sleep: This sounds boring, but honestly, a huge percentage of sexual dysfunction in modern couples is just pure exhaustion. You cannot cultivate a vibrant sex making life if you are running on five hours of sleep and three cups of coffee.
- Separate Parenting from Partnership: If you have kids, it’s incredibly easy to become just "Mom and Dad." You have to consciously step out of those roles. Go out. Don't talk about the kids for at least an hour. Remind yourselves that you were individuals who liked each other before the car seats and soccer practice existed.
Moving Forward
Real intimacy isn't a destination. It’s a practice. It fluctuates. There will be seasons where the sex making is frequent and easy, and seasons where it feels like a chore or just isn't happening. That’s normal. The danger isn't the "dry spell"—it's the withdrawal of love during the spell.
If you keep the emotional lines open, the physical stuff usually finds its way back. If you let the emotional lines wither, no amount of "tricks" will fix the bedroom. Focus on the friendship, the trust, and the safety. The rest tends to follow.
To actually change the dynamic, start by noticing one thing your partner does today that you genuinely appreciate, and tell them. Not because you want sex later, but because you want them to feel seen. That small act of "seeing" is the foundation for everything else.