You wake up at 3:00 AM, heart hammering. Maybe it was an ex you haven't talked to since Obama was in office. Maybe it was your current boss, but for some reason, they were wearing a medieval suit of armor and judging your choice of breakfast cereal. It's weird. It’s unsettling. Honestly, dreaming about a person is one of those universal human experiences that leaves us scrolling through Google for hours trying to find a "sign."
Most of the time? It isn’t a psychic premonition. It's just your brain doing the laundry.
We tend to think of our dreams as movies where we are the lead actor, but neuroscientists like Dr. Matthew Walker, author of Why We Sleep, suggest dreaming is more like overnight therapy. When you see someone in your sleep, your brain isn't necessarily focused on them. It's focused on the emotional "folder" that person occupies in your memory bank.
Why specific people show up in your dreams
It’s rarely about the person themselves. Seriously. If you’re dreaming about a random guy from high school you haven't thought about in a decade, it’s not because he’s "thinking about you" (sorry to break that TikTok myth). It’s usually because he represents a specific trait or a period of your life that your subconscious is currently processing.
Think about the "Role Theory" of dreaming.
If that high school friend was particularly confident, and you’ve been feeling insecure at your new job, your brain might pull his "file" to represent confidence. You aren't dreaming about him; you're dreaming about the version of him you carry inside your head. It’s a bit like your brain is a theater director casting actors for a play about your own internal struggles.
Sometimes, though, it’s just day residue. This is a term coined by Sigmund Freud, and while some of his theories have aged like milk, this one holds up. If you saw a photo of someone on Instagram for 0.5 seconds while scrolling, or heard a name that sounded like theirs, your brain might flag it as "unfinished business" to be sorted during REM sleep.
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The science of the "social brain" in REM
Our brains are social organs. Evolutionarily, we survived by understanding people, predicting their moves, and maintaining bonds. The Default Mode Network (DMN) in our brain is heavily involved in social cognition, and guess what? It’s also incredibly active when we dream.
When you are dreaming about a person, your brain is often simulating social scenarios to help you navigate your real-world relationships. It’s like a flight simulator for awkward conversations or romantic tensions.
When the person is someone you love (or hate)
Dreaming about a partner or a parent is a whole different ballgame. These are the "heavy hitters" in our emotional landscape. If you’re dreaming about a person you’re currently in a relationship with, it often reflects the "temperature" of that bond.
A dream where your partner leaves you might not be a prediction of a breakup. Instead, it’s often an expression of attachment anxiety. Your brain is testing the "what if" scenario to see how you’d handle the emotional stress. It’s a survival mechanism, even if it feels like a nightmare.
And then there are the "reappearance" dreams.
Exes. Oh, the exes.
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Dreaming about an ex doesn't mean you're still in love with them. It usually means you're processing a similar emotion in your current life. Maybe you’re feeling neglected, or maybe you’re experiencing a "first" with someone else that triggered a memory of a "first" with the ex. Researchers like Dr. Rosalind Cartwright have studied how dreams help us move past emotional trauma. Dreaming about a person from your past is often just the brain’s way of filing away old lessons so you don’t repeat them.
Breaking down the "Meaning" (The non-mystical version)
Let’s get real about the most common "cast members" in our dreams:
- The Stranger: Often a projection of your own "Shadow" (a concept from Carl Jung). This person usually represents parts of yourself you don't want to admit exist—your anger, your hidden desires, or your untapped potential.
- The Authority Figure: Bosses, teachers, or even celebrities. Usually, this is about your relationship with power or your fear of being judged.
- The Deceased: These dreams can be incredibly vivid and are often referred to as "visitation dreams." While many find them spiritual, psychologists view them as a vital part of the grieving process—the brain trying to reconcile the fact that someone is gone while their memory remains deeply embedded in your neural pathways.
The "Third Party" in your dreams: Why celebrities appear
Ever had a dream where you’re grabbing coffee with Zendaya or arguing with Gordon Ramsay? It’s more common than you’d think. This usually happens because of parasocial relationships. Our brains don't always distinguish between people we know in real life and people we see on screens.
If you’ve been binge-watching a show, those actors become part of your "inner circle" as far as your subconscious is concerned. They are high-definition symbols. If you dream about a celebrity, ask yourself: What is the one word I’d use to describe them? If it’s "successful," the dream is likely about your own ambitions. If it’s "messy," it’s about a messy part of your week.
Can we control who we dream about?
Sort of. It’s called Dream Incubation.
If you want to stop dreaming about a person—say, an ex who is haunting your sleep—you have to change the "input" before you go to bed. The brain is remarkably suggestible in the 20 minutes before sleep (the hypnagogic state).
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- Stop the scroll. Looking at their social media right before bed is basically handing your brain a script for the night.
- Targeted Intention. As you’re falling asleep, tell yourself, "Tonight, I will dream about [different topic]." It sounds hokey, but it’s a legitimate technique used in lucid dreaming circles.
- Journaling. Writing down the dream as soon as you wake up helps move the "emotional data" from your subconscious to your conscious mind. Once it’s "written down," the brain often feels it has finished the task and stops repeating the dream.
The myth of "Telepathy"
We’ve all heard it: "If you dream about someone, it’s because they miss you."
There is zero scientific evidence for this. None. It’s a nice thought, and it makes for great romantic movies, but it's not how biology works. If two people dream about each other on the same night, it’s usually because they share a common stressor or had a shared experience recently. Our brains are reacting to the same external stimuli, not sending secret brain-waves across the city.
Actionable steps for dealing with recurring dreams about a person
If a certain person keeps popping up and it’s bothering you, don’t just ignore it. Use it as a diagnostic tool.
Analyze the emotion, not the person. Instead of asking "Why was my old boss in my dream?", ask "How did I feel in the dream?" If you felt trapped, look for where you feel trapped in your waking life. The person is just a mask; the emotion is the reality.
Check your "Stress Bucket." High-stress periods often trigger "social" dreams because our brains are trying to find support. If you’re dreaming about your mom every night, you might just need a little extra comfort in your daily life.
Change the ending. If you’re having a recurring nightmare about someone, try a technique called Image Rehearsal Therapy (IRT). During the day, visualize the dream but consciously change the ending to something boring or funny. If they’re chasing you, imagine them suddenly tripping over a giant banana peel. It sounds ridiculous, but it rewires the neural path so the "scary" version of the person loses its power.
Dreams are messy. They are weird, non-linear, and often make no sense. But dreaming about a person is rarely a message from the universe. It’s a message from you to you. It’s your mind’s way of saying, "Hey, we need to sort through this feeling before we start tomorrow."
The best thing you can do is listen, learn the lesson, and then get on with your day. Your brain has enough work to do without you worrying about why your third-grade teacher was driving a bus in your sleep.