You've heard the song. You've seen the Pinterest boards. The phrase do what you want be who you are has become a sort of secular mantra for the 21st century, plastered over everything from self-help book covers to neon signs in trendy coffee shops. But let's be real for a second. It's actually a terrifying piece of advice. Honestly, if everyone suddenly did exactly what they wanted at every moment, the local grocery store would probably be empty and half of us would be living in treehouses.
But there is a deeper, more psychological side to this. It isn't just about impulsive hedonism. It is about the struggle to find a coherent identity in a world that is constantly trying to sell you a pre-packaged version of yourself.
We are living in an era where "personal branding" has replaced "personality." Most people feel like they are performing their lives rather than living them. When you dig into the research on authenticity, like the work of Dr. Brené Brown or the late psychologist Carl Rogers, you realize that being who you are isn't a destination. It’s a constant, often messy process of shedding expectations.
The Identity Paradox: Why We Suck at Being Ourselves
Most of us think we know what we want. We want the promotion. We want the house. We want the specific aesthetic we saw on an influencer's feed last Tuesday. But French philosopher René Girard had this idea called "mimetic desire." Basically, he argued that we don't actually know what we want on our own. We just want what other people want because we’re copying them.
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It’s a loop.
To truly do what you want be who you are, you have to first figure out which of your desires are actually yours. Think about it. Did you choose your career because it genuinely sparks curiosity in your brain, or because it was the most "respectable" path available when you were 22? Social pressure acts like a gravitational pull. It’s invisible, but it shapes everything.
Clinical psychologist Dr. Gabor Maté often talks about the tension between attachment and authenticity. As kids, we need attachment to survive. If being "who we are" (loud, messy, emotional) threatens our connection to our parents, we suppress ourselves. We choose attachment over authenticity. The problem? Most of us stay in that survival mode well into our thirties and fourties. We keep performing the version of ourselves that keeps everyone else comfortable.
The Cost of the "Mask"
Living a life that isn't yours has a physical cost. It’s not just "feeling a bit off." There is a growing body of evidence linking chronic self-suppression to stress-related illnesses. When you aren't doing what you want, your nervous system stays in a state of low-level alarm. You're constantly monitoring your behavior, checking for approval, and adjusting your mask. It's exhausting.
- Burnout isn't always about working too hard.
- Sometimes, it's about the energy required to maintain a persona that doesn't fit.
- Authenticity, ironically, is a form of energy conservation.
There’s this concept in Japanese culture called Honne and Tatemae. Honne is your true sound—the stuff you actually think and feel. Tatemae is the "façade," the behavior you show to keep society running smoothly. In many ways, the West has lost the distinction. We try to make our Tatemae our entire identity, and then we wonder why we feel hollow.
How to Actually Do What You Want
People think doing what you want means quitting your job and moving to Bali. Maybe for some. But for most, it’s about "micro-authenticity." It’s saying "no" to a social invite you dread. It’s wearing the weird shirt you love even if it’s not "on trend."
It’s about internal authority.
Stop Asking for Permission
You don’t need a consensus to change your life. If you wait for everyone to agree with your choices, you’ll be waiting forever. Most people will actually be uncomfortable when you start to do what you want be who you are because it holds up a mirror to their own self-imprisonment.
Audit Your "Shoulds"
Grab a piece of paper. Write down five things you have to do this week. Now, look at them and ask: "Who said I should do this?" If the answer is "society" or "my neighbor's opinion," you’ve found a leak in your authenticity.
Embrace the Discomfort of Being Disliked
This is the hard part. To be who you are, you have to be okay with being misunderstood. You cannot be "authentic" and "universally liked" at the same time. They are mutually exclusive goals.
The Myth of the "True Self"
Here’s a curveball: maybe there isn’t a single "true self" hidden deep inside like a prize in a cereal box. Some psychologists argue that the self is more like a river—always changing, always moving. Do what you want be who you are shouldn't be a rigid cage. You're allowed to want different things today than you did five years ago.
You aren't a statue. You're a process.
If you’re a software engineer who suddenly wants to bake sourdough bread for a living, that’s not a "mid-life crisis." It’s evolution. The "be who you are" part includes the version of you that is still being born.
Actionable Steps for Radical Authenticity
If you’re feeling stuck in a life that feels like a costume, start small. Real change is rarely a lightning bolt; it’s more like erosion.
Identify one "performative" habit. Maybe it's the way you talk in meetings or the way you post on social media. Try dropping the act for 24 hours. Just one day. See how much energy you have left at 5:00 PM when you haven't been "on" all day.
Test your desires. Next time you want to buy something or start a project, wait three days. Ask yourself: "If I couldn't tell anyone I was doing this, would I still do it?" If the answer is no, you’re doing it for the "Gram," not for you.
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Build a "Safe-to-be-Me" circle. Find two people who don't care about your status or your "brand." These are the people you can be boring around. Spend more time with them.
The path to do what you want be who you are isn't paved with grand gestures. It’s built on the quiet, daily courage of choosing yourself over the expectations of others. It’s a bit scary, sure. But the alternative—living a perfectly curated life that belongs to someone else—is much worse.
Start by reclaiming your time. Look at your calendar for the next forty-eight hours and delete one thing that you are only doing out of guilt. That space you just created? That’s where the real you starts to breathe. Own that space. Don't fill it with more noise. Just sit with the quiet of your own actual preferences for once.