It is the question that keeps people awake at 3:00 AM, staring at the ceiling, trying to make sense of a reality that feels fractured. You’ve seen the "I’m sorry" bouquets. You’ve heard the whispered promises that it will never happen again, followed by a level of affection that feels almost intoxicating. This leads to the central, agonizing confusion: do abusers love their victims, or is the whole thing just a calculated performance?
If you ask a survivor, they might say yes. If you ask a defense attorney, they’ll definitely say yes. But if you ask a clinical psychologist who specializes in domestic violence, like Dr. Lundy Bancroft or Dr. Ramani Durvasula, the answer gets a lot more complicated.
Love, in the way most of us understand it, involves empathy, respect, and a genuine desire for the other person’s well-being. Abuse is about the opposite. It’s about control. It’s about ownership. When these two things occupy the same space, the word "love" starts to lose its meaning. It becomes a tool rather than a feeling.
The fundamental disconnect in how they define love
Most people view love as a partnership. It’s a give-and-take. But for someone with abusive tendencies—whether they have a personality disorder like Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) or simply a deeply ingrained sense of entitlement—love is often synonymous with possession.
Think about how a child "loves" a favorite toy. They want it near them. They get upset if someone else touches it. They might even break it in a fit of rage, but they still want it in their room. That isn't how we should treat humans.
Dr. Lundy Bancroft, author of the seminal book Why Does He Do That?, argues that the problem isn't that the abuser can't feel, but that their value system is broken. They love the way the victim makes them feel. They love the services provided—the cooking, the emotional labor, the ego-boosting, the sex. But they don't necessarily love the "self" of the victim. When that "self" starts to have independent needs or sets a boundary, the "love" evaporates and is replaced by punishment.
The chemistry of the "Love Bomb"
Early in these relationships, it feels like a movie. This is the love bombing phase. It’s intense. It’s fast. You might get told you're a soulmate within two weeks.
Is that love?
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Biologically, it’s a rush of dopamine and oxytocin for both people. The abuser is often "in love" with the idealized version of you. They see you as a perfect mirror that reflects back their own greatness. But mirrors aren't allowed to have bad days. Mirrors aren't allowed to disagree. As soon as the victim shows any human flaw or independence, the abuser feels betrayed. The "love" was conditional on you being a perfect, compliant object.
Why it feels so real: The Trauma Bond
If there was no "love," nobody would ever stay. This is the hardest part for outsiders to understand. They see the bruises or hear about the screaming matches and ask, "Why don't you just leave?"
They don't see the intermittent reinforcement.
Psychologist B.F. Skinner discovered that the most addictive way to influence behavior is through intermittent reinforcement. If a lab rat gets a pellet every time it hits a lever, it eventually gets bored. But if it only gets a pellet sometimes, and it never knows when that pellet is coming, it will hit that lever until it collapses from exhaustion.
Abuse works the same way. The "love" is the pellet.
The victim stays through the screaming because they are waiting for the version of the abuser who took them to the beach last summer or who cried and apologized last week. This creates a trauma bond. It’s a physiological addiction to the highs and lows. When the abuser is being kind, the victim’s brain is flooded with relief. That relief feels like deep, profound love. In reality, it’s just the temporary cessation of pain.
Common misconceptions about the "Abusive Heart"
There’s a dangerous myth that abusers are just "damaged souls" who love too much or don't know how to express it. This narrative is frequently pushed in pop culture—think Beauty and the Beast or Twilight. It suggests that with enough patience and "true love," the beast will transform.
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Honestly? It almost never happens that way.
Myth 1: They lose control because they care so much
They don't lose control. They gain control. Notice that an abuser rarely "loses it" in front of their boss or a police officer. They choose when, where, and how to explode. This is a choice, not a symptom of overwhelming passion.
Myth 2: Their jealousy is a sign of love
"He’s just so protective because he loves me." No. High levels of jealousy are a predictor of lethality, not a measure of affection. It’s about territoriality. If I’m afraid you’ll leave, I’m not afraid of losing your happiness; I’m afraid of losing my resource.
Myth 3: They are miserable without you
They might be. But they are miserable for the same reason you’d be miserable if your car was stolen. It’s an inconvenience. It’s a blow to their ego. It’s not a grief for the loss of a unique human soul.
The role of empathy (or the lack thereof)
To truly love someone, you need affective empathy. You need to be able to feel their pain.
Most abusers possess cognitive empathy. This is the ability to understand what someone else is feeling without actually feeling it themselves. It’s a predatory skill. They know exactly which buttons to push to make you feel guilty, ashamed, or "loved."
When they see you crying, a healthy partner feels a physical pang of distress. An abuser sees those tears as a sign that they are winning the argument or that they have successfully regained control. This is the "empathy gap" that makes real love impossible in an abusive dynamic.
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Real-world examples of the "Control vs. Love" dynamic
Take the case of a spouse who monitors their partner's phone. They might frame it as "we have no secrets because our love is so pure." But the moment the partner asks to see their phone, the "love" turns into a domestic war zone.
Or consider the "honeymoon phase" after a physical assault. The abuser is often more affectionate than they’ve ever been. They might buy expensive gifts or take the victim on a trip. Is this love? No. It’s damage control. They are managing their "asset" to ensure it doesn't leave. If they truly loved the person, the primary focus would be on the victim's healing and the abuser seeking intensive, long-term professional help—not a weekend in Cancun.
Can an abuser change and truly love?
This is the billion-dollar question. Technically, humans can change. But the statistics are grim.
Programs like the Duluth Model emphasize that change only happens when the abuser admits that their behavior is a choice based on a belief in their own superiority. They have to give up the power. Most people don't want to give up power.
Love requires equality. Abusers thrive on hierarchy.
If you are waiting for them to "realize" how much they love you so they’ll stop hurting you, you are waiting for a day that likely won't come. Their "love" is the very thing they use to justify the hurt. "I only hit you because I love you so much and you drove me crazy," is a classic line. It shifts the blame while using "love" as a shield.
Actionable steps for those questioning their relationship
If you are constantly asking yourself "do abusers love their victims" because you're trying to figure out if your own partner is "good" or "bad," you might be looking at the wrong metric. Whether they "love" you in their own warped way is less important than the fact that you are being harmed.
Here is what you can actually do to gain clarity:
- Document the "Cycle": Keep a private log (if safe) of the tension building, the incident, and the honeymoon phase. Seeing the pattern on paper makes it harder for their "love" to gaslight you.
- Observe their response to "No": A major test of love vs. control is the word "no." If you say no to something small—like what to eat for dinner or going out with friends—how do they react? If "no" leads to a cold shoulder, a lecture, or a blow-up, it’s control.
- Define your own "Love Standard": Write down what love looks like to you if you weren't afraid. Does it include fear? Does it include walking on eggshells? If your current reality doesn't match your definition, the label they put on it doesn't matter.
- Consult a Professional: Talk to a therapist who understands domestic violence and coercive control. General couples counseling is often dangerous in abusive situations because it assumes an equal power dynamic that doesn't exist.
- Prioritize Safety over Logic: You don't need to solve the mystery of their heart to protect your own body and mind. If you feel unsafe, call a resource like the National Domestic Violence Hotline (800-799-7233).
In the end, it doesn't matter if an abuser thinks they love you. If the "love" results in your diminishment, your fear, or your isolation, it is not a love that can sustain a healthy life. Real love is a safe harbor, not the storm itself. Focus on the behavior, not the "feelings" they claim to have. Behavior is the only thing that is real.