You're sitting there, staring at your phone, wondering if that last apology actually meant something this time. It’s the million-dollar question. Do abusers ever change? Honestly, the answer isn’t a simple yes or no, and anyone telling you otherwise probably hasn't spent much time in the trenches of behavioral psychology or domestic violence advocacy.
We want to believe in redemption. We love a good comeback story. But when it comes to the cycle of power and control, "change" is a heavy, complicated word that requires more than just a tearful "I'm sorry" or a few weeks of being on your best behavior. Real change is rare. It’s grueling. And for the person being harmed, waiting for it can be dangerous.
What Research Actually Says About Reform
Lundy Bancroft, who spent decades working with abusive men and wrote the seminal book Why Does He Do That?, is pretty blunt about this. He notes that while change is theoretically possible, it’s statistically unlikely in the way most partners hope for. Why? Because abuse isn't a "loss of control." It’s a choice. It’s a tool used to gain an advantage.
Most people think abusers just have "anger issues." If that were true, they’d yell at their boss or punch their mailman. But they don’t. They save that behavior for the person they claim to love. That’s intentionality.
The Barrier of Entitlement
The biggest hurdle isn't a lack of communication skills or a "bad childhood," though those factors can play a role. The core issue is entitlement.
Abusers believe they have a right to:
- Be the center of attention.
- Have their needs prioritized at all times.
- Control their partner's movements or social life.
- Use intimidation to "correct" behavior they don't like.
When someone feels entitled to power, they don't see their behavior as a problem that needs fixing. They see it as a logical reaction to your "disobedience." You can't fix a problem you don't think you have. That’s why the success rates for standard "Anger Management" classes are abysmal for domestic abusers. Anger management teaches you how to calm down. It doesn't teach you that your partner is an equal human being with their own autonomy.
Red Flags That "Change" is Just a Tactic
Sometimes, an abuser seems to transform overnight. They’re buying flowers. They’re doing the dishes. They’re suddenly "seeing the light."
This is often what experts call Hoovering.
Named after the vacuum, it’s a maneuver to suck the victim back into the relationship once they start to pull away. It feels like change, but it’s actually just the "honeymoon phase" of the abuse cycle being dialed up to eleven.
Watch out for these specific behaviors:
- Performative vulnerability: They suddenly share deep childhood traumas to make you feel sorry for them, effectively turning themselves into the victim.
- Conditional apologies: "I'll go to therapy if you stop seeing that friend I don't like." This isn't change; it’s a trade.
- The "Epiphany": They claim they’ve had a religious or spiritual awakening that has cured them instantly. Real behavioral change takes years of deprogramming, not a weekend retreat.
- Blaming the victim for the slow pace of healing: "I've been good for two weeks, why are you still bringing up the past?" This shows they haven't actually grasped the depth of the damage they caused.
The Long, Hard Road: What Real Change Looks Like
So, do abusers ever change? Yes, occasionally. But it looks nothing like the movies.
According to the Duluth Model, a program developed in the 1980s to shift the focus from "bad tempers" to "systemic control," true reform requires a total dismantling of the abuser's belief system. This usually involves a dedicated Batterer Intervention Program (BIP) that lasts a year or longer.
Signs of Genuine Progress
If someone is actually changing, they will stop focusing on your behavior and start obsessing over their own. You’ll see:
- Radical Accountability: They stop saying "I hit you because you provoked me." They start saying "I hit you because I chose to use violence to control the situation, and there is no excuse for that."
- Consistency Over Intensity: They aren't trying to "win" you back with grand gestures. They are showing up, day after day, being respectful even when they don't get their way.
- Respecting Boundaries: Even if those boundaries mean you leaving the relationship. A truly changing person accepts that their past actions may have ended the relationship permanently, and they respect your right to stay away.
- External Support: They are in a specialized program (not just general talk therapy) and are being honest with their counselor about their abusive patterns.
The Danger of the "Therapy" Trap
Here’s a hard truth: Couples therapy is often a disaster in abusive dynamics.
In fact, many experts advise against it. In a standard therapy session, the therapist looks for "two sides to every story" and tries to help both partners communicate better. In an abusive relationship, this gives the abuser a platform to further gaslight the victim.
The abuser might use what you say in therapy as ammunition later at home. Or, they might charm the therapist into believing you are the unstable one. This is so common it has its own name: DARVO (Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender).
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Individual therapy for the abuser can also backfire if the therapist isn't specifically trained in domestic violence. The abuser ends up learning better "therapy speak" to justify their control, making them a more "sophisticated" abuser.
Why "Wait and See" is a Risky Strategy
Time is a luxury you might not have.
When people ask "do abusers ever change," they are usually asking "is it safe for me to stay?"
The reality is that for change to even begin, the abuser usually has to hit a hard rock bottom where their old tactics no longer work. Often, this only happens after the partner has left and stayed gone. Staying and providing "support" during their "healing" process often provides a safety net that prevents them from feeling the full weight of their consequences.
It's a paradox. Your presence might actually be the thing preventing them from changing, because as long as you're there, they haven't truly lost anything.
Statistics and Reality Checks
Data from the National Domestic Violence Hotline suggests that while many people entering intervention programs show temporary improvement, the long-term "cessation of all controlling behaviors" is statistically low.
A study published in Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology found that while some interventions reduced physical violence, the emotional and psychological control often persisted or morphed into more subtle forms.
Change is a marathon, not a sprint. And most people quit at mile two.
Actionable Steps for Those Questioning Everything
If you are currently in a situation where you are waiting for someone to change, you need a plan that prioritizes your reality over their potential.
1. Stop Listening to Words
Mute the apologies. Watch the feet. If their actions aren't matching the "new them" they keep promising, trust the actions. If they are still checking your phone, criticizing your clothes, or giving you the silent treatment, they haven't changed.
2. Document the "Good Times" and the "Bad Times"
We have a habit of "euphoric recall"—remembering only the sweet moments when things are scary. Keep a private, secure journal (perhaps a hidden app on your phone) of exactly what happens. When they tell you "that never happened," you have your own proof.
3. Seek Specialized Support
Contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline (800-799-7233) or text "START" to 88788. Talk to people who understand the specific mechanics of power and control. They can help you create a safety plan, regardless of whether you intend to leave right now or not.
4. Define Your "Walk-Away" Point
Write down three things that, if they happen again, mean you are done. No more chances. No more "he was stressed." If they hit that line, follow through.
5. Focus on Your Own Healing
Whether they change or not is out of your control. You cannot "love" someone into being a better person. Spend your energy on your own therapy, your own hobbies, and your own support network. If they are truly changing, they will be busy doing their own work anyway.
The question of whether an abuser can change is ultimately the wrong question to focus on. The real question is: Is your current life, as it exists today, the life you want to be living five years from now? Don't bank your future on a version of someone that doesn't exist yet. Trust who they are showing you they are right now.
Safety Note: If you are viewing this on a shared device, remember to clear your browser history. If you feel you are in immediate danger, please reach out to local emergency services or a trusted shelter.