Let’s be real. Most of us aren't born with the silver-tongued confidence of a romance novel protagonist. You’re in the heat of the moment, the vibe is right, and you want to say something—anything—to keep the momentum going, but your brain suddenly feels like a computer running on dial-up internet. You end up either staying silent or, worse, saying something so incredibly awkward that the mood evaporates instantly. It happens. Dirty stuff to say shouldn't feel like a choreographed performance or a script you memorized from a sketchy corner of the internet. It’s about tension. It’s about the gap between what you’re doing and what you’re thinking.
The psychology behind "dirty talk" is actually pretty fascinating. Dr. Justin Lehmiller, a Research Fellow at the Kinsey Institute and author of Tell Me What You Want, has spent years studying sexual fantasies. His research suggests that verbalizing desires isn't just about the words themselves; it's about the psychological arousal of being "seen" and "known" by a partner. It’s a form of vulnerability. When you find the right dirty stuff to say, you’re essentially bridging the gap between your internal private world and the shared physical experience. But man, it’s hard to get right when you’re overthinking it.
The Mental Block: Why Dirty Talk Feels "Cringe"
Most people struggle with this because they try to adopt a persona that isn't theirs. If you’re a soft-spoken accountant from the suburbs, suddenly dropping heavy-duty, aggressive slang might feel like you’re wearing a costume that doesn't fit. It feels "cringe" because it’s incongruent. Authenticity matters more than the specific vocabulary used. If you don't feel comfortable saying a certain word, don't say it. Your partner will smell the hesitation, and that’s the real mood killer.
The goal isn't to be a porn star. Really. It’s to enhance the intimacy you already have.
Think about the "Validation Loop." In communication theory, we talk about how feedback reinforces behavior. Sexual communication works the same way. When you describe what your partner is doing well, you aren't just "talking dirty"—you’re providing a real-time roadmap of what feels good. This reduces the performance anxiety for both people. It’s practical. It’s hot. It’s helpful.
Breaking Down Dirty Stuff to Say into Levels
You don't start a marathon by sprinting at top speed. You warm up. Verbal intimacy has a hierarchy, and jumping straight to the "extreme" stuff usually backfires unless you've already established that dynamic.
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The Descriptive Phase
This is the safest entry point. You aren't "dirty talking" yet; you’re just narrating. Tell them what you like. "I love the way you're looking at me" or "Your skin feels so warm." It’s simple. It’s effective. It builds a foundation of verbal interaction so that when you move to the more explicit dirty stuff to say, it doesn't feel like a sudden jump off a cliff.
The Explicit Shift
Once the ice is broken, you can get more specific. This is where you use anatomical terms or action-oriented verbs. Instead of "That feels good," try "I love it when you [specific action]." This is where the power of the verb comes in. Use active language. "I want," "I need," "You’re making me." These are high-energy words.
The Fantasy Layer
This is the "deep end." This involves roleplay, power dynamics, or describing things you want to do later. According to Lehmiller’s research, "Power, Control, and Roughness" is one of the most common fantasy categories. If that’s your thing, this is where you voice it. But—and this is a huge but—this requires the most trust. You have to know your partner's boundaries before you start narrating a scenario involving a "boss and employee" or whatever else is on your mind.
The Science of Sound and Frequency
Did you know the tone of your voice matters as much as the words? A study published in the Journal of Nonverbal Behavior found that people perceive lower-pitched, breathier voices as more attractive and sexually charged. This is because physiological arousal naturally changes our vocal cords. When you're trying to think of dirty stuff to say, don't just focus on the "what." Focus on the "how." Lower your volume. Slow down. Whisper.
Silence is also a tool. You don't need a constant stream of commentary. Sometimes, a well-timed "Yes" or a sharp intake of breath communicates more than a five-minute monologue. It’s about the contrast.
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Navigating the "Consent and Comfort" Minefield
We have to talk about the awkward stuff. Not everyone likes dirty talk. For some, it’s a distraction or even a turn-off. The best way to find out? Ask. Not in the bedroom—ask over dinner or while you're driving. "Hey, do you like it when I talk during sex?" It’s a simple question that saves a lot of potential embarrassment later.
Specific words can be polarizing. Some people find certain slang degrading, while others find it essential for their arousal. This is highly subjective and often tied to cultural upbringing and past experiences. If you’re unsure, stick to "I" statements. "I love when you..." is much safer than "You are a [noun]." Focusing on your own reaction puts the emphasis on your pleasure, which is generally a huge turn-on for your partner.
Real Examples for Different Comfort Levels
Let’s look at some "templates" that don't feel like a bad movie script.
Level 1: The "Sweet & Steamy" Approach
- "I’ve been thinking about this all day."
- "You have no idea what you do to me."
- "I love the way you taste."
- "Don't stop."
Level 2: The "Descriptive & Bold" Approach
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- "I want you to [action] right now."
- "I love how [adjective] you feel."
- "Tell me what you want me to do." (This is a great "cheat code" if you’re stuck).
- "You’re so [explicit word]."
Level 3: The "Dominant/Submissive" Nuance
- "You're mine."
- "Do you like it when I do this?"
- "Show me how much you want it."
Common Mistakes to Avoid
- The "Interview" Mistake: Don't ask too many logistical questions. "Is this okay? Do you like this? Should I move my hand two inches to the left?" It kills the flow. Instead of asking, state your intent or describe your feeling.
- The "Robotic" Mistake: Don't use words that you’d never use in real life. If you don't say "oh baby" in your daily vocabulary, saying it now will sound forced. Stick to your natural "voice."
- The "Bad Timing" Mistake: Don't drop a heavy-duty line right at the beginning before things have heated up. Read the room.
The Aftermath: The "Cool Down"
What happens after you’ve said the dirty stuff to say and the moment is over? This is what researchers call "afterglow." A study in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin suggests that the communication that happens after sex is just as vital for relationship satisfaction as the sex itself. If you said something particularly adventurous, check in. A simple "That was really hot when we talked earlier" reinforces the behavior and makes it easier to do again next time.
Actionable Steps for Better Verbal Intimacy
- Start Small: Practice saying one "edgy" thing during a session. Just one. See how it feels. See how they react.
- The "Texting" Sandbox: If saying things out loud feels too daunting, try "dirty texting" (sexting) first. It gives you time to edit your thoughts and see what resonates with your partner without the immediate pressure of eye contact.
- Expand Your Vocabulary: Read erotica or listen to audio stories (like those on Dipsea or Quinn). This isn't about copying them word-for-word, but about hearing how different people describe sensations. It gives you a "palette" of words to choose from.
- Focus on the Senses: When you're stuck, go back to the five senses. What do you smell? What do you feel? What do you see? Describing these is the easiest way to generate dirty stuff to say that feels authentic and grounded in the moment.
- Laugh it Off: If you say something and it lands weirdly, laugh. Humor is the ultimate safety net for intimacy. If you can laugh together at a poorly timed comment, you’ve built a level of trust that’s far more important than any specific word you could have used.
Building this skill is exactly that—a skill. It takes practice and a willingness to be a little bit "uncool." But the payoff in terms of connection and excitement is usually more than worth the initial awkwardness. Stop trying to be a character and start being a more vocal version of yourself. Your partner probably isn't looking for a poet; they’re looking for you, just a little more uninhibited.
Start by identifying one thing you genuinely love that your partner does. Next time you're together, tell them—in detail—exactly why it works for you. That’s the most effective dirty talk there is.