You're lying in bed, the lights are low, and the silence is starting to feel a little too heavy. You want to say something. Not just "you're hot," because honestly, he knows that. You want to say something that actually makes his pulse jump. But then the brain fog hits. You start wondering if what you’re thinking is too much, or maybe not enough, or just plain weird. Finding the right dirty stuff to say to your boyfriend isn't about memorizing a script from a bad romance novel. It’s actually about tension.
It’s about the gap between what you’re doing and what you want to do.
Most people get this wrong. They think dirty talk has to be this high-production, Shakespearean monologue of filth. It doesn’t. Sometimes, a two-word whisper does more damage than a ten-minute speech. If you've ever felt awkward trying to talk dirty, it's probably because you were trying to sound like someone else.
The Psychology of Why Dirty Talk Actually Works
There’s real science behind why vocalizing your desires changes the game. When you speak your fantasies or describe what’s happening in the moment, you’re engaging the brain's prefrontal cortex while simultaneously spiking dopamine and norepinephrine. Dr. Justin Lehmiller, a research fellow at The Kinsey Institute and author of Tell Me What You Want, has spent years studying sexual fantasies. His research suggests that open communication about desire is one of the biggest predictors of sexual satisfaction.
It’s not just "smut."
It’s validation.
When you tell him exactly what you like or what you’re going to do to him later, you’re providing a roadmap. Men, generally speaking, spend a lot of time wondering if they’re doing a good job. Your words act as a real-time performance review—but, you know, a fun one.
Dirty Stuff to Say to Your Boyfriend When You Aren't Together
The build-up is usually better than the main event. Anticipation is a powerful drug. If you’re at work or out with friends, a well-timed text can ruin his productivity for the rest of the day. And that’s the goal, right?
Don't overthink the "dirty" part. Start with the "stuff."
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"I can't stop thinking about this morning."
That’s it. That is the whole text. It’s vague enough to make his mind race but specific enough to remind him of a real moment you shared. If you want to escalate, get descriptive. Tell him what you’re wearing, or better yet, what you aren't wearing under your clothes.
Pro tip: Use sensory details. Mention the way he smells or the way his hands felt. Research in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships indicates that specific, sensory-based compliments increase intimacy more than generic praise.
I once knew someone who would send her partner "voice notes of silence." She’d just record herself breathing for ten seconds while mentioning one specific thing she wanted to do to him when he got home. No visuals. Just audio. It was apparently more effective than any photo she’d ever sent.
Making it Natural When the Lights Are On
If you’re physically together, the stakes feel higher. The fear of "sounding cringey" is real. To avoid this, stay present. Talk about what is literally happening right now.
"I love it when you do that."
"Don't stop."
"You feel so good."
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These aren't groundbreaking literary achievements, but in the heat of the moment, they are exactly what he needs to hear. You’re confirming that he’s hitting the mark. If you want to lean into more dirty stuff to say to your boyfriend, try narrating your own reactions. Tell him how he’s making your body feel. Use "I" statements.
"I'm so close."
"I've been thinking about your hands on me all day."
There’s a common misconception that you have to use "naughty" words or certain anatomical terms to be effective. You don't. If "cock" feels weird in your mouth, don't say it. Use "you." Use "him." Use whatever feels like you. Authenticity is a huge turn-on; performative speech is a huge turn-off.
The Power of the "After-Talk"
Most people stop the dirty talk the second the act is over. That’s a missed opportunity. The refractory period is a time of high oxytocin—the "cuddle hormone."
Mentioning something specific he did that you loved while you're both cooling down cements that behavior. It’s basically positive reinforcement. But more than that, it keeps the sexual tension simmering at a low boil instead of letting it go stone cold.
"That thing you did with your mouth... I’m going to be thinking about that for a week."
He will remember that. He will do it again.
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Why Comfort Levels Vary
We have to acknowledge that not everyone is a natural-born talker. Some people grew up in households where sex was a "hush-hush" topic, and that conditioning doesn't just vanish because you're in a committed relationship. If you feel "stuck," start small.
- Use "check-ins" instead of "dirty talk."
- Ask questions like, "Do you like this?"
- Whisper instead of speaking at full volume.
The lowered volume naturally creates a sense of secrecy and intimacy. It feels like a "just between us" moment, which is exactly where the best dirty talk lives.
Breaking the "Cringe" Barrier
The biggest hurdle is the fear of a bad reaction. What if he laughs? Well, honestly, if he laughs, you should laugh too. Sex is messy and weird and sometimes funny. If a line lands poorly, acknowledge it. "Okay, that sounded way better in my head" can actually be a great way to break the ice and lead to a more honest, raw conversation about what you actually want to say.
Don't try to be a porn star. Porn is choreographed. Your life isn't.
Focus on the power dynamic if that's your thing. Tell him who’s in charge. Or tell him how much you want him to take charge. These power-based cues are staples of dirty stuff to say to your boyfriend because they tap into deeper psychological desires for surrender or control.
Transitioning From Vanilla to Spicy
If your relationship has been a bit "standard" lately, jumping straight into hardcore dirty talk might feel like a system shock. You gotta ease into it. Start with "leaked" thoughts.
Basically, you’re just saying out loud what you’d normally keep to yourself.
Instead of just thinking, "I like his back," you say, "I love the way your muscles move when you're on top of me." It’s a bridge between a normal compliment and dirty talk. It’s safe, but it’s suggestive.
Actionable Steps for Tonight
To actually get better at this, you need to practice when the stakes are low. You don't wait for the Olympics to start running; you don't wait for the bedroom to start communicating.
- Identify your "No-Go" words. If there are words that make you physically recoil, put them on a mental list. You never have to use them.
- The "One-Inch" Rule. Next time you're intimate, try to be just one inch more descriptive than usual. If you usually say nothing, try a sigh. If you usually sigh, try a "yes."
- The Friday Night Text. Send a message at 2:00 PM on a Friday. Tell him one thing you want to do to him when he walks through the door. Don't send a photo. Just use words.
- Listen to his cues. Pay attention to his breathing when you say certain things. If his breath hitches, you’ve found a "hot button" phrase. File that away for future use.
- Reflect on your own arousal. What do you want to hear? Often, we project what we find hot onto our partners. Ask him what his favorite "trigger words" are. You might be surprised.
Moving forward, focus on the "why" behind your words. Are you saying it because you think you should, or because you actually feel it? The most effective dirty talk is always rooted in genuine, raw desire. Forget the "top ten lists" of phrases you see on TikTok. Your boyfriend doesn't want a Top Ten list. He wants you, unfiltered and unashamed, telling him exactly how much he’s driving you crazy.