You’ve probably met a Diotrephes. Maybe you didn't know his name at the time, but you definitely felt his presence. He’s the guy who has to be the loudest in the room. The one who shuts down every idea that isn't his own. The gatekeeper. In the tiny world of the early Christian church, Diotrephes in the Bible became the ultimate cautionary tale of what happens when a massive ego meets a small amount of power.
It’s actually wild how much drama is packed into a single letter that’s barely a few hundred words long. 3 John is the shortest book in the Bible by word count, but it hits hard because it deals with something we all still face: church politics and toxic leadership.
John, the "Elder" (and likely the last surviving apostle at this point), is writing to his friend Gaius. He’s frustrated. No, he’s beyond frustrated. He’s been basically "ghosted" and blocked by a local church leader who decided that even an apostle’s authority wasn't enough to merit a seat at the table.
Who Was This Guy?
Honestly, we don't know much about his background. His name, Diotrephes, literally means "nourished by Zeus." That’s a bit ironic for a guy leading a Christian congregation, right? It suggests he probably came from a wealthy or upper-class Greek background. He had status. He had clout. And he clearly wasn't afraid to use it.
When we look at Diotrephes in the Bible, we see a man who wasn't just a "bad apple." He was a systematic problem. John specifically points out that Diotrephes "loves to be first." That’s the Greek word philoproteuon. It’s the only time this word appears in the entire New Testament. It describes someone who isn't just a leader, but someone obsessed with preeminence. He didn't want to serve; he wanted to reign.
The situation was messy.
In the first century, the church didn't have cathedrals. They met in homes. This gave homeowners a massive amount of leverage. If the guy owning the house decided he didn't like the guest speaker, the guest speaker was out on the street. Diotrephes seems to have been using his position—likely as a patron or an early form of a monarchical bishop—to control exactly who got to speak and who got to listen.
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The Three Great Sins of Diotrephes
John doesn't hold back. He lists exactly what this guy was doing wrong, and it reads like a checklist for a toxic boss or a manipulative community leader.
First, he refused to acknowledge John’s authority. Imagine having the nerve to tell the guy who literally walked with Jesus and wrote a Gospel that his letters aren't welcome. That’s a level of boldness that is almost impressive if it weren't so destructive.
Second, he was "gossiping maliciously." The Greek word phlyaron suggests "bringing senseless charges" or talking nonsense. He wasn't just disagreeing on theology; he was assassinating John’s character. He was spreading rumors to make sure people stayed loyal to him instead of the truth.
Third, he practiced excommunication as a weapon. If a member of the church wanted to welcome the traveling missionaries John sent, Diotrephes would kick them out. He turned the church into a private club. It was "my way or the highway," literally.
Why This Wasn't Just a Personality Clash
It's tempting to think this was just two old men bickering over who got the best seat at the potluck. It wasn't. The stakes were actually life and death for the early movement.
The early church survived on a system of "hospitality." Since there weren't safe hotels, traveling preachers relied on local believers for food and a bed. By cutting off these travelers, Diotrephes wasn't just being rude. He was effectively strangling the spread of the message. He was creating an isolated silo where he could be the sole source of "truth."
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Scholars like Raymond Brown have noted that 3 John represents a pivotal moment in church history. We see the tension between the "charismatic" authority of the apostles and the "institutional" authority of local leaders. Diotrephes represents the dark side of institutionalism—where the structure becomes more important than the mission.
A Contrast in Characters
John doesn't just vent about the bad guy. He gives us two other names to look at: Gaius and Demetrius.
Gaius is the recipient of the letter. He’s the "good guy" who is staying faithful even though things are falling apart. John encourages him to keep showing hospitality despite the pressure from Diotrephes.
Then there’s Demetrius. He’s likely the one carrying the letter. John gives him a glowing recommendation, saying that everyone—including the "truth itself"—speaks well of him. By putting Demetrius and Diotrephes in the same letter, John is showing Gaius a clear path. Don't imitate what is evil; imitate what is good.
Lessons from the Ego of Diotrephes
If you’re looking at Diotrephes in the Bible today, it’s not just for a history lesson. It’s a mirror. We see his spirit in social media influencers who can’t handle a dissenting comment. We see it in corporate leaders who surround themselves with "yes men." We see it in small-town politics where one family controls the entire narrative.
The danger of a Diotrephes isn't just that they are mean. It’s that they create a culture of fear. When people see others getting kicked out for showing kindness to "the wrong people," they stop being kind. They start being careful. And a "careful" community is a dying one.
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How do you handle a Diotrephes? John’s plan was direct. He said, "If I come, I will call attention to what he is doing." He didn't plan to ignore it or "pray it away" in secret while letting the abuse continue. He planned to bring it into the light.
Accountability is the only thing that scares a narcissist.
Practical Steps for Dealing with Toxic Leadership
If you find yourself in a situation where a "Diotrephes" is running the show, here is how you navigate it based on the principles in 3 John:
- Prioritize the Truth over the Person. Diotrephes wanted loyalty to his person. John called for loyalty to the Truth. If a leader’s requirements contradict the core values of the community, the leader is the one in the wrong, not you.
- Maintain Your Integrity (The Gaius Approach). Gaius continued to be hospitable even when it was risky. Don't let someone else’s bitterness turn you into a bitter person. Keep doing the right thing, even if you have to do it quietly for a season.
- Seek Outside Counsel. John was an outside voice providing perspective. Sometimes you are too close to a toxic situation to see how bad it really is. Reach out to trusted, objective mentors who aren't under the "spell" of the local leader.
- Document and Confront. John didn't just feel bad; he noted specific actions (refusing letters, malicious gossip, forbidding hospitality). If you need to confront a "Diotrephes," have your facts straight. Clear examples are harder to dismiss than vague feelings of being "uncomfortable."
- Don't Be Afraid to Walk. Sometimes, the "Diotrephes" wins the short-term battle and stays in power. John mentions that Diotrephes was already putting people out of the church. If a space is no longer healthy and refuses to change, your presence there might just be enabling the dysfunction.
The Final Word on Diotrephes
The most stinging part of the story? We never hear the end of it. We don't know if John showed up and Diotrephes repented. We don't know if the church split.
But we do know this: Diotrephes is remembered for all the wrong reasons. His name has become shorthand for "arrogant leader" for over 2,000 years. He wanted to be first, and in a way, he got his wish—he is the first name people think of when they talk about how not to lead.
True leadership isn't about being first. It’s about being the one who opens the door for others. Diotrephes spent his life trying to close it. Don't follow that map. It leads to a very lonely, very small kingdom.
To apply this today, take an honest look at your own areas of influence. Ask yourself if you are making it easier or harder for others to contribute. If you find yourself feeling threatened by new ideas or defensive when your "authority" is questioned, take a breath. Don't let the spirit of Diotrephes take root. Real power doesn't need to shout, and it certainly doesn't need to gossip. It just needs to serve.
Next Steps for Personal Growth:
- Audit your circles: Identify if you are currently under the influence of a leader who exhibits "first-place" syndrome.
- Read 3 John in one sitting: It takes two minutes. Focus on the contrast between the three men mentioned.
- Practice "Aggressive Hospitality": Find someone who has been marginalized or "canceled" in your social circle and reach out to them this week, just as Gaius was encouraged to do.