You know that person. The one who manages to turn a conversation about your broken leg into a twenty-minute monologue about the time they stubbed their toe in 2014. It’s exhausting. We use the term "self-centered" as a social blunt force object, a way to tell someone they’re being a bit of a jerk. But if we’re looking for a real definition for self centered behavior, we have to look past the annoyance. It’s actually a complex cognitive state where a person’s internal compass is stuck pointing North toward "Me" at all times. It isn't always malicious. Sometimes, it’s just a lack of bandwidth.
People often confuse being self-centered with being a narcissist. They aren't the same. Not even close, really. A narcissist craves your admiration and might actually step on you to get it. A self-centered person? They just forgot you were standing there because they were busy thinking about their own lunch. It’s a preoccupation with one's own affairs, interests, or welfare. In psychology, we call this egocentrism. It's that "Main Character Syndrome" that TikTok loves to talk about, but with less cinematic lighting and more social awkwardness.
What the definition for self centered looks like in the real world
Basically, a self-centered individual views the world through a very narrow straw. Everything is filtered through how it affects them personally. If it rains, they don't think about the plants; they think about their ruined suede shoes. If you're late because your car exploded, they’re mostly just annoyed that they had to wait for five minutes. It’s a fundamental imbalance in perspective-taking.
Jean Piaget, the famous developmental psychologist, actually pioneered the study of this. He found that kids are naturally egocentric. They literally cannot understand that someone else sees a mountain from a different angle than they do. For most of us, we grow out of that. We develop "Theory of Mind," which is just a fancy way of saying we realize other people have their own thoughts and feelings. But for some adults, that muscle stays pretty weak. They aren't trying to be mean. They’re just stuck in that mountain-viewing stage, figuratively speaking.
It manifests in small, irritating ways. They interrupt. They don't ask follow-up questions. They might take the last slice of pizza without checking if anyone else is hungry. Honestly, it's a lack of social situational awareness. You've probably felt that sting when you share big news and they immediately pivot back to their own day. That is the definition for self centered behavior in action: the inability to decenter from the self.
💡 You might also like: Images of Grief and Loss: Why We Look When It Hurts
The difference between being self-centered and self-care
We live in a culture that screams at us to "put yourself first." This makes the definition for self centered a bit murky. Is it self-centered to go to the gym instead of helping a friend move? Maybe. But there’s a line. Healthy self-interest is about survival and well-being. Self-centeredness is about a persistent lack of empathy.
- Self-Care: "I need to rest so I can be a better person for my family."
- Self-Centeredness: "I'm resting, so I don't care if my family needs me."
See the shift? One is about maintenance; the other is about total disregard. Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a clinical psychologist who specializes in these personality patterns, often points out that self-centered people can actually be quite charming at first. They’re so focused on their own narrative that they invite you into it like an extra in their movie. It feels exciting until you realize your only lines are "Wow, really?" and "That’s amazing."
The Science of the "Me" Brain
If we look at the neurobiology, there’s some fascinating stuff happening. The medial prefrontal cortex (mPFC) is a big player here. This part of the brain lights up when we think about ourselves. In people who fit the definition for self centered, this area might be overactive, or the pathways that connect it to the parts of the brain responsible for empathy—like the right supramarginal gyrus—are a bit sluggish.
It’s not just "bad manners." For some, it’s a cognitive bias. We all have the "spotlight effect," where we think everyone is noticing us more than they actually are. Self-centered people have that spotlight turned up to 1,000 watts. They assume their internal state is obvious to everyone else, or that everyone else is as obsessed with their problems as they are. It’s a heavy way to live, honestly. Constant self-focus is linked to higher levels of anxiety and depression because you’re always monitoring your own performance and reception.
📖 Related: Why the Ginger and Lemon Shot Actually Works (And Why It Might Not)
Is it a personality disorder?
Usually, no. While self-centeredness is a core trait of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) or even Histrionic Personality Disorder, most "me-first" folks don't meet the clinical criteria for a psychiatric diagnosis. They’re just... self-absorbed. It could be a defense mechanism. Sometimes people focus intensely on themselves because they felt ignored as children, or because they’re currently going through a crisis and don't have the emotional "spillover" to care about anyone else.
The distinction matters. If someone is self-centered because they're in pain, that's temporary. If they're self-centered because they truly believe they are the only person who matters, that's a character trait. And those are much harder to change.
How to deal with the self-centered people in your life
Living or working with someone who fits the definition for self centered is a recipe for resentment. You feel invisible. You feel like a prop. But you can't force empathy into someone who doesn't have the hardware for it at the moment. You have to change your approach.
- Stop expecting reciprocity. This is the hardest one. If you give and give, expecting them to eventually ask about you, you’re going to be disappointed. Stop the "covert contracts." If you want them to know something, tell them directly. Don't wait for them to ask.
- Set boundaries on the monologue. When they start the twenty-minute story about their car’s oil change, it's okay to interrupt. "Hey, I’ve only got a second, but I wanted to tell you about my promotion."
- Evaluate the "Why." Is this person always like this? Or are they just going through a divorce or a job loss? Stress shrinks our empathy. Sometimes, being self-centered is just a temporary survival tactic.
- Use "I" statements. Instead of saying "You never listen," try "I feel like I don't get a chance to share my day when we talk." It might not work, but it’s more effective than a direct attack.
Honestly, sometimes the most "self-centered" thing you can do is walk away from someone who refuses to see you. It’s a weird paradox. To protect yourself from a self-centered person, you have to become a little more self-centered yourself. You have to prioritize your own emotional health over their need for an audience.
👉 See also: How to Eat Chia Seeds Water: What Most People Get Wrong
Can a self-centered person change?
The short answer: Yes, but they have to want to. Empathy can be coached. It’s called "perspective-taking exercises." It involves consciously stopping to ask, "How might this person feel right now?" It’s like learning a second language. It’s clunky and slow at first. They might have to literally memorize social cues. "When a friend says their dog died, I should stop talking about my new shoes and ask how they are feeling."
It sounds robotic, but it's a start. Over time, these manual processes can become more automatic. However, if the self-centeredness is a shield against deep-seated insecurity, they’ll probably need therapy to get to the root of why they’re so afraid to look away from themselves.
Taking Action: Next Steps for Growth
If you've read this and realized, "Oh no, I think I'm the self-centered one," don't panic. The fact that you’re worried about it is a good sign—true narcissists rarely worry about being narcissistic. Self-awareness is the first exit ramp off the "me-me-me" highway.
Start small. Tomorrow, make it a goal to ask three people a question about their lives and listen to the answer without relating it back to yourself. Don't say "Me too." Don't say "That reminds me of when I..." Just listen. See how it feels to let someone else be the center of the universe for five minutes.
For those dealing with a self-centered partner or friend, start documenting your interactions. Not to be petty, but to see the pattern. If the "Definition for self centered" describes every single interaction you have with them, it’s time to have a serious conversation about the balance of the relationship. Boundaries aren't mean; they’re necessary for any long-term connection to survive. You deserve to be more than just a supporting character in someone else’s biography. Check your own energy levels. If you’re constantly drained after talking to them, that’s your body telling you the "Me-to-You" ratio is way off. Focus on your own hobbies, your own friends, and your own growth. Ironically, the less you feed their need for attention, the more likely they are to notice you—or at least, the more likely you are to find people who actually want to hear what you have to say.