We’ve all been there. You’re scrolling through LinkedIn or Instagram at 11:00 PM, and you see someone—usually a former classmate or a random "founder"—posting about their latest exit, their new house, or their perfectly aesthetic morning routine. Suddenly, your own life feels small. You start wondering if you’re falling behind. But here’s the thing: defining success based on someone else’s highlight reel is a fast track to burnout and a very specific kind of existential dread.
Success is slippery.
If you ask a hedge fund manager in Manhattan what it means to win, they’ll probably talk about Alpha and quarterly returns. Ask a monk in Kyoto, and they’ll talk about presence. The problem isn't that we don't have enough "success" in our lives; it's that we’re using a template designed by people who don't actually know us.
The Trap of the Social Yardstick
Most of us inherit a definition of success before we’re even old enough to drive. It’s a mix of parental expectations, academic pressure, and whatever the current economic climate demands. We chase the "Big Three"—money, power, and prestige—because they’re easy to measure. You can count dollars. You can see a job title. You can’t easily quantify "contentment" or "creative fulfillment" on a spreadsheet.
Bronnie Ware, an Australian nurse who spent years working in palliative care, wrote a famous book called The Top Five Regrets of the Dying. Interestingly, none of the regrets were "I wish I’d made more money" or "I wish I’d been a Senior VP." Instead, people regretted living the life others expected of them rather than staying true to themselves. That’s a massive clue. If the people at the end of the road are saying the metrics were wrong, why are we still using them?
The psychological cost of a misaligned definition is real. When your external wins don't match your internal values, you experience "success anxiety." You’ve checked the boxes, but you still feel like a fraud or, worse, totally empty.
Looking at the "Hedonic Treadmill"
You get the raise. You feel great for a week. Then, that new salary becomes the "new normal." This is the hedonic treadmill, a concept popularized by psychologists like Shane Frederick and Daniel Kahneman. Basically, humans are wired to return to a baseline level of happiness regardless of major positive or negative changes.
📖 Related: Is there actually a legal age to stay home alone? What parents need to know
If your definition of success is a destination—a specific dollar amount or a certain zip code—you’re chasing a ghost. Once you get there, the goalposts just move further down the field.
How to Define Success Without Losing Your Mind
So, how do you actually do it? How do you build a framework that doesn't collapse the moment the economy dips or your career takes a pivot? It starts by separating "Standard Success" from "Subjective Success."
Standard Success is what the world sees. Your car, your title, your follower count.
Subjective Success is how your life feels to you on a Tuesday morning when nobody is watching.
Harvard Business Review contributors Laura Nash and Howard Stevenson conducted a fascinating study on this. They interviewed high achievers and found that those who felt genuinely successful didn't just focus on one thing. They balanced four "targets": happiness (enjoying life), achievement (accomplishing goals), significance (helping others), and legacy (passing on values). If you only hit one—say, achievement—you feel like a failure in the other three departments.
The "Anti-Resume" Exercise
Try this. Sit down and write an anti-resume. Not a list of your failures, but a list of things that made you feel alive, proud, and at peace that would never go on a professional CV.
- That time you spent three months learning to cook a perfect Beef Wellington just because you wanted to.
- The fact that your kids actually want to hang out with you.
- The boundary you set at work that saved your mental health but cost you a small bonus.
These are the data points for a personalized definition of success. Honestly, if you don't define these for yourself, the world will happily define them for you, and the world’s version is usually "work harder and buy more stuff."
👉 See also: The Long Haired Russian Cat Explained: Why the Siberian is Basically a Living Legend
The Complexity of Cultural Narratives
We can't talk about success without acknowledging that the deck is stacked differently for everyone. A single parent defining success might focus on stability and their child’s education. A billionaire might define it by how much they can give away through a foundation.
In many Western cultures, success is hyper-individualistic. It’s about your climb. But in many Eastern or indigenous cultures, success is communal. If the community is thriving, you are successful. This shift in perspective is vital. If your definition of success doesn't include the well-being of the people around you, it’s going to be a very lonely summit.
Consider the "Japanese concept of Ikigai." It’s often visualized as a Venn diagram where four circles overlap: what you love, what you are good at, what the world needs, and what you can be paid for. Finding the center is the ultimate success. It’s not just about the paycheck; it’s about the intersection of utility and joy.
Redefining the "Win" in 2026
In a world increasingly dominated by AI, automation, and a gig economy that never sleeps, the old rules are breaking. Being the "hardest worker in the room" is a recipe for a breakdown when the "room" is now digital and global.
We’re seeing a shift toward "Time Affluence." Researchers like Ashley Whillans at Harvard Business School have found that people who value time over money are generally happier. Success in 2026 isn't necessarily about who has the most assets; it’s about who has the most sovereignty over their schedule. Can you take a walk at 2:00 PM? Can you turn off your phone for a weekend without the world ending? If you can, you’re arguably more successful than a CEO who is tethered to their email 24/7.
The Role of Resilience and Failure
Success isn't a straight line. It's more like a jagged EKG reading.
✨ Don't miss: Why Every Mom and Daughter Photo You Take Actually Matters
Look at someone like Vera Wang. She didn't even enter the fashion industry until she was 40. Before that, she was a figure skater who failed to make the Olympic team and then a journalist. If she had defined success solely by her 20-year-old self’s goals, she would have been a "failure." Instead, she pivoted.
True success includes the ability to fail and not have it destroy your identity. It’s the "Growth Mindset" that Carol Dweck talks about. If your definition is "never failing," you’ll never take the risks required to do anything interesting.
Practical Steps to Build Your Own Definition
Stop looking at the horizon and start looking at your feet. Here is how you can practically re-center your life around a definition of success that actually fits.
- Audit Your Envy. What makes you jealous? If you’re jealous of a friend’s travel photos, maybe "adventure" needs to be a core metric for you. If you’re jealous of someone’s quiet life in the country, maybe "peace" is your priority. Envy is a giant neon sign pointing at what you value.
- Define Your "Enough" Point. This is the most dangerous thing you can do in a capitalist society. Decide how much money is "enough." Decide how much fame is "enough." Once you hit that number, every extra bit of effort is a choice, not a requirement.
- The 80-Year-Old Test. Imagine you’re 80. You’re sitting on a porch. You’re looking back. What are the stories you want to tell? Do you want to tell the story of the 80-hour work weeks, or the story of the time you traveled across Europe with a backpack?
- Track "Internal KPIs." Instead of just checking your bank balance, check your energy levels. Check your curiosity. Are you learning anything new? Are you kinder than you were last year?
- Kill the "Shoulds." Every time you say "I should be further along," ask: "According to whom?" Usually, the answer is a ghost or a stranger on the internet.
The Reality of the Long Game
Defining success isn't a one-time event. It’s a recurring negotiation. Your definition at 22—probably involves a lot of "proving yourself"—will be different at 42, when you might just want a full night's sleep and a sense of purpose.
The most successful people aren't the ones with the most trophies. They’re the ones who have reached a point where they don't feel the need to explain their life to anyone else. They’ve built a world that fits them, rather than trying to shrink themselves to fit into the world.
It’s about alignment. When what you do matches who you are, the "success" part takes care of itself. It stops being a chase and starts being a state of being. And honestly? That’s the only kind of success that doesn't eventually leave you feeling cheated.
Actionable Next Steps:
- Identify your top three non-negotiable values (e.g., freedom, creativity, family) and rank your current career/lifestyle against them on a scale of 1-10.
- Schedule a "No-Output" day once a month where your success is measured solely by how well you rested or explored, with zero productivity expected.
- Prune your digital environment. Unfollow or mute accounts that trigger a sense of inadequacy or "not enough-ness" regarding your lifestyle or achievements.