So, you’ve finally put on the "Dateviators" and realized your kitchen sink is actually a total babe. Don’t feel weird; we’ve all been there. Date Everything is one of those games that sounds like a fever dream until you’re three hours deep into a conversation with a literal pile of laundry. Sassy Chap Games—founded by voice acting legends Ray Chase, Robbie Daymond, and Max Mittelman—basically decided that if we can't find love in the real world, we might as well flirt with the toaster.
Honestly, the sheer scale of the Date Everything characters list is overwhelming. There are 100 dateable objects. 100! You can romance your bed, your smoke alarm, and even a personified version of your own crushing existential dread. Since the game dropped on June 17, 2025, players have been scrambling to figure out which household items are worth the emotional investment and which ones are just going to leave you feeling dusty.
The Heavy Hitters You Can’t Ignore
If you’re just starting out, you’re probably looking at your living room and wondering who to talk to first. It’s kinda funny how quickly you start projecting personalities onto furniture.
Dorian, the front door, is voiced by Ben Starr (yeah, Clive from Final Fantasy XVI). He’s the "gateway" character, literally and figuratively. He’s charming, a bit protective, and honestly one of the more stable relationships you can have in a house where the vacuum cleaner is a legitimate romantic option.
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Then there’s Abel, the table, voiced by Steve Blum. You’d think a table would be boring, but he’s got this dependable, sturdy energy that’s weirdly comforting. If you’re into the "big, reliable protector" trope, Abel is your guy.
Why Voice Acting Matters Here
The magic of these characters isn't just the art; it’s the voice. When you hear Laura Bailey voicing Harper (the hamper) or Neil Newbon (Astarion himself) voicing Drysdale the dryer, the absurdity melts away. You stop seeing a plastic bin and start seeing a person.
- Drysdale (The Dryer): He’s hot. Literally. He’s also got that chaotic, slightly dramatic energy you’d expect from someone who spends their life spinning in circles.
- Betty (The Bed): Voiced by Mela Lee. She’s probably the most "intimate" character by default. I mean, you spend every night with her. Her storyline is surprisingly sweet and leans into the comfort of a long-term connection.
- Chairemi (The Chair): Cherami Leigh brings a bubbly, supportive vibe to this one. It’s a lot of sitting around, but in a good way.
The Weird, The Wild, and The Fourth Wall
This is where the game gets truly "Sassy Chap." They didn't just stop at furniture. They went for the abstract concepts.
Take Doug, for example. Doug is the personification of Existential Dread, voiced by SungWon Cho (ProZD). He’s just a guy standing in your dining room representing the void. It’s hilarious, depressing, and strangely relatable.
Then you have the meta characters. Textbox-Chan is the actual UI of the game. Michael Transaction is a treasure chest representing microtransactions (voiced by Max Mittelman, of course). These characters know they’re in a game, and they aren't afraid to call you out on your weird habit of trying to date a smoke alarm.
Hidden Gems in the Crawlspace
You have to do some digging to find everyone. The crawlspace houses some of the best-written characters in the game:
- Keith (The Key): A dapper skeleton key who has some "history" with Dorian.
- Bodhi Windbreaker: An 80s time capsule. He’s a total himbo. If you miss neon colors and leg warmers, Bodhi is your best friend.
- Vaughn Trapp: A mousetrap that looks and acts like a grumpier version of a certain Always Sunny actor.
Making Sense of the Chaos
Most people get it wrong by trying to date everyone at once. Don’t do that. Your stats—Smarts, Charm, and Empathy—actually matter.
For instance, talking to Miranda Dulce Tostadora (the toaster) will boost your Charm. Spending time with Timothy (the Kit-Cat clock) helps your Smarts. You’ve basically gotta build yourself up to be worthy of the high-tier objects.
One of the most surprising fan favorites has been Washford, the washing machine. He’s voiced by David Sobolov, giving him this deep, rumbling authority. The dynamic between him and Drysdale is basically the cornerstone of the laundry room fandom. People are already writing fanfic about appliances, and honestly? Good for them.
Quick Character Reference
| Character | Object | Vibe |
|---|---|---|
| Lux | Lamp | Bright, optimistic, literal ray of sunshine. |
| Dasha | Desk | Workaholic, organized, takes no crap. |
| Koa | Couch | The ultimate "chill" partner. 10/10 for naps. |
| Hero-Hime | Anime Figure | High-energy, nerdy, a bit of a brat. |
| xxXShadowl0rd420Xxx | Darkness | Edgy, lives in the corner, probably listens to emo. |
How to Win Their Hearts
Basically, you need to pay attention to what they actually are. You wouldn't take a toaster to a pool party, right? The "dates" in this game are context-sensitive.
If you're courting Airyn (the air), you're looking at different interactions than if you're trying to woo Wall-ace (the wall). Yeah, his name is literally Wallace and he's a wall. The puns are relentless.
The game rewards you for being consistent. If you lean into the "Hate" endings, you might unlock specific characters like Reggie (Rejection), but for the "Love" endings, you really have to lean into the specific quirks of each object.
Pro tip: Don't sleep on Prissy, the fake plant. Completing her quest actually changes the environment of your house, making the whole place feel a bit more alive.
Final Advice for Your Domestic Romance
To truly see everything Date Everything has to offer, you need to experiment with the "Realization Recipes." These are the triggers that turn a normal object into a dateable person.
Start with the basics in the living room and kitchen to build your stats. Once your Charm and Smarts are high enough, head for the attic and crawlspace to find the weird stuff. Keep an eye out for Lucinda Lavish, the "Deluxe Edition" character who only pops up randomly. She’s a bit of a rare spawn, but worth the effort.
If you’re feeling stuck, go talk to your bed. Betty is always there, she’s easy to talk to, and she provides the best empathy boosts in the early game. Just remember: it's only weird if you make it weird.
Focus on unlocking the attic as soon as possible. That’s where the high-concept characters like Lady Memoria and Parker (the board games) hang out, and their storylines offer the most depth regarding why your house is suddenly full of attractive people. Check your phone frequently to see if Willi (your work) is judging you for slacking off. It adds a layer of stress that is, frankly, too realistic.