Relationships aren't supposed to be templates. Most of us grew up watching movies or looking at our parents and thinking there was a specific "script" for how life should go. You meet, you date for two years, you move in together, you get a dog, and then you get married. It’s a conveyor belt. But honestly, that rigid structure is exactly why so many couples feel suffocated. They're trying to fit a round peg into a square hole. When you start building rules of our own, the pressure lifts. You stop performing a role and start living a life.
It's about agency.
I’ve seen couples who share a house but keep completely separate bank accounts, and I've seen people who have been together for twenty years but choose to live in different apartments. Some people call this "Living Apart Together" (LAT). It sounds weird to the traditionalists, but for these couples, it's the secret sauce. They aren't following the standard playbook; they are writing a custom manual.
What it Really Means to Build Rules of Our Own
When we talk about rules of our own, we aren't talking about chaos. It isn’t an "anything goes" free-for-all where nobody knows what’s happening. It’s actually the opposite. It is high-level intentionality.
Social psychologist Dr. Bella DePaulo has spent a massive chunk of her career studying people who live outside the traditional nuclear family box. She often points out that "single at heart" people or those in non-traditional partnerships often have deeper social networks than those who isolate themselves in a standard marriage. By creating rules of our own, you’re basically saying that the standard societal defaults don't apply to your specific emotional needs.
Think about chores. The "default" rule is usually some vague idea of 50/50 split, which almost always leads to resentment because someone is always keeping score. A couple using their own rules might decide that one person handles all the "mental load" like scheduling and bills, while the other does 90% of the physical labor like cleaning and cooking. It’s lopsided on paper. In practice? It’s perfect for them.
The Myth of the "Standard" Relationship
We’ve been sold a lie that there is a "correct" way to love. History tells a different story.
If you look back at the Victorian era or even ancient Roman structures, "rules" were entirely different. They were based on property, lineage, or survival. The "companionate marriage" based on romantic love is a relatively new invention in the grand scheme of human history. So, if the rules keep changing anyway, why shouldn't you be the one to change them?
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I remember talking to a friend who felt like a failure because she and her husband didn't sleep in the same bed. He snored like a chainsaw; she was a light sleeper. They were miserable. Then they decided to have separate bedrooms. Her mom thought they were headed for divorce. Fast forward five years? They are the happiest couple I know. They chose sleep over a "rule" that said married people must share a mattress. That is a prime example of rules of our own in action.
Navigating the Social Pushback
People are going to talk. Let's just be real about that. When you stop doing what everyone else is doing, it makes them uncomfortable. It forces them to look at their own lives and wonder if they’re just following a script.
If you decide to spend holidays apart because you both love your own families and hate traveling, people will ask if everything is "okay at home." You’ll get the tilted-head pity look. You have to be okay with that. The psychological term for this is "normative social influence." We want to fit in because, evolutionarily, being kicked out of the tribe meant death. But in 2026? It just means you have a quieter Thanksgiving.
Why Communication Becomes Your Only Safety Net
You can't wing this.
In a traditional relationship, the "rules" are silent. You just assume you're on the same page because you're following the standard path. But when you're making rules of our own, you have to talk about everything.
- How do we handle money?
- What does "monogamy" or "commitment" actually mean to us?
- How much "alone time" do we need per week?
- Are we hanging out with in-laws out of guilt or desire?
Dr. John Gottman, the famous relationship researcher who can predict divorce with startling accuracy, emphasizes the "Sound Relationship House." One of the levels is "Creating Shared Meaning." That’s exactly what we’re doing here. You are building a culture that only exists within the borders of your relationship.
The Financial Side of Custom Rules
Money is the biggest stressor. Period.
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The "rule" used to be a joint account where all money goes into one bucket. For some, that works. For others, it’s a nightmare of "Why did you spend $80 on a video game?"
I know a couple—both high earners—who use a "Percentage Contribution" model. They pay into joint expenses based on the percentage of the total household income they bring in. If one makes 70% of the money, they pay 70% of the rent. Everything else stays in private accounts. No permission needed. No judgment. They created rules of our own regarding their finances, and they haven't had a money fight in a decade.
Breaking the Timeline
Why do we feel like we have to hit milestones at certain ages?
- The "30-year-old" panic.
- The "been together 5 years, where's the ring?" pressure.
- The "we need a house before a baby" checklist.
These are ghosts. They aren't real. You can move "backwards" by the world's standards and still be moving forward. I know people who got married, realized they weren't ready to live together, moved into separate apartments while staying married, and eventually moved back in three years later when they were actually ready. It saved their marriage.
Practical Steps to Design Your Life
If you’re sitting there thinking your relationship feels a bit like a costume you’re forced to wear, it’s time to change the outfit. You don’t need a revolution. You just need a conversation.
Audit your "Shoulds"
Sit down with a piece of paper. Write down everything you do in your relationship because you feel like you "should."
- I "should" go to his work party.
- We "should" have sex three times a week.
- I "should" be the one who does the laundry.
Now, look at that list. Which of those actually bring you joy or connection? Which ones are just performance art for an audience that isn't even watching?
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The Weekly Check-in
This sounds corporate, but it’s a lifesaver. Spend 20 minutes a week asking: "What worked this week? What felt heavy?" This is where you refine your rules of our own. Maybe the rule you made last month about "no phones at dinner" is actually annoying because you both like showing each other memes. Change the rule. You’re the boss.
Define Your Non-Negotiables
Customizing your life doesn't mean having no boundaries. In fact, you need clearer boundaries when you aren't using the ones society provides. If you decide to have an open relationship, for example, the "rules" need to be iron-clad and revisited constantly. If you decide to never get married but stay together forever, you need to handle the legal "rules" like power of attorney and wills so the state doesn't impose its rules on you later.
When the Rules Need to Break
Rules are tools, not cages.
The beauty of creating rules of our own is that they are living documents. A rule that served you when you were 25 might be total garbage when you're 35. Maybe you used to value radical independence, but now you’re going through a hard time and you need more enmeshment. That’s allowed.
Expert therapist Esther Perel often talks about how we have multiple marriages within one long-term partnership. Each "marriage" needs its own set of guidelines. When the old rules stop working, you don't have to end the relationship; you just have to end that version of the rules.
Final Thoughts on Intentional Living
Most people live on autopilot. They accept the defaults. They buy the "standard edition" of life and wonder why they feel unfulfilled. But you don't have to.
By defining the rules of our own, you reclaim your time, your energy, and your affection. You stop living for the neighbors or your parents or some imaginary judge in the sky. It’s scary at first because there’s no map. But that’s also the best part. You get to be the explorer.
Actionable Next Steps:
- Identify One Friction Point: Pick the one thing you and your partner bicker about most frequently. Is it a "standard" rule that’s causing the friction?
- The Blank Slate Exercise: Ask each other: "If we met today and no one else in the world existed to judge us, how would we design our Tuesdays?"
- Legal Protections: If your rules take you off the beaten path (like not marrying), consult a professional to ensure your medical and financial interests are protected through legal contracts.
- Read "Stepping Off the Relationship Escalator" by Amy Gahran: This is a fantastic resource for understanding the different ways people structure commitment outside the "marriage and kids" default.
- Communicate the "Why": When explaining your choices to family, don't be defensive. Simply state: "We found that this way of doing things makes us both better partners." It’s hard to argue with results.