We’ve all seen it. Two toddlers in a sandbox, heads bowed together over a shared plastic shovel, or two five-year-olds declaring they are "getting married" at recess. It’s easy to dismiss these moments as cute or purely imitative. But when we talk about children who love each other, we’re actually looking at a complex, foundational stage of human neurological development. It isn't just "playing pretend." It's the first time a human being attempts to bridge the massive gap between "me" and "you."
Connection is a survival skill. Honestly, it's probably the most important one we have.
The Science of Why Kids Form Deep Bonds
Forget the idea that children are just "little adults" in training. Their brains are wired differently. Research from the Harvard University Center on the Developing Child shows that the "serve and return" interaction—the back-and-forth social mirroring—is what actually builds the brain's architecture. While most people think of this happening between a parent and a child, it happens just as fiercely between peers.
Kids don't have the baggage we do. They don't worry about "texting back too fast" or whether a friendship is "mutually beneficial" in a professional sense. When children who love each other interact, they are operating on pure, unadulterated oxytocin. This hormone, often called the "cuddle chemical," spikes during positive social touch and play.
Dr. John Gottman, famous for his work on relationships, actually spent significant time studying how children make friends. He found that the ability to "hit it off" at age six is a huge predictor of emotional intelligence later in life. It's about "coordinated play." If one kid says, "I'm the dragon," and the other says, "Okay, I'm the knight who protects the dragon," they’ve just performed a sophisticated cognitive dance. They’ve synchronized.
It’s Not Just "Crushes"
We need to stop sexualizing or overly romanticizing early childhood affection. When a seven-year-old says they love their best friend, they aren't talking about adult romance. They’re talking about attachment. According to Attachment Theory, pioneered by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, children develop "internal working models" for how relationships function.
If a child experiences a deep, loving friendship early on, they learn that the world is a safe place. They learn that other people can be trusted. This is heavy stuff. It's the literal blueprint for every relationship they will have for the next eighty years.
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Sometimes it looks like holding hands in the hallway. Sometimes it looks like sharing a bruised apple.
Developmental Milestones of Peer Affection
The way children who love each other express that bond changes radically as they age. You can’t expect a three-year-old to understand loyalty the same way a ten-year-old does.
Around age two, kids engage in "parallel play." They’re near each other, but not with each other. Think of it like two ships passing in the night, both carrying cargoes of LEGOs. Then, around age four, the magic happens. Cooperative play kicks in. This is where the "best friend" phenomenon starts. This is where they start to care if the other person is crying.
- Age 3-5: Love is proximity and shared stuff. "I love you because you have the blue truck."
- Age 6-9: Love becomes about shared secrets and "us against the world."
- Age 10-12: The bond shifts to emotional support and identity.
In a study published in the journal Child Development, researchers found that children as young as three show signs of "prosocial behavior"—basically, they’ll go out of their way to help a friend even if it costs them something. If a friend is sad, a child might offer their own security blanket. That’s a massive leap in evolution. It’s empathy in its rawest form.
When the Bond Gets Intense
Parents often get worried when children who love each other become inseparable. You’ve probably seen it: the "joined at the hip" phase. They want to dress the same. They want to speak their own made-up language. They might even get "homesick" for each other after just a few hours apart.
Is it healthy? Usually, yes.
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This intensity is a practice run for intimacy. Clinical psychologist Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore notes that these "big" friendships help kids learn how to handle conflict. Because they love the other person so much, they are actually motivated to fix the fight. If you don't care about someone, you just walk away. But if you love them? You learn to say, "I'm sorry I took your pencil." You learn to negotiate.
That’s a skill some forty-year-olds still haven't mastered.
Dealing with "The Breakup"
Here’s the part no one likes to talk about. Children’s friendships can end abruptly. One family moves away, or interests shift, or a third child enters the mix and the "dyad" becomes an awkward "triad."
The pain is real.
Don't tell a child "it's just a school friend" or "you'll make new ones." To a child, their world is small. When a piece of that world leaves, it feels like a tectonic shift. Acknowledging the validity of their grief is the only way to help them through it. They need to know that loving someone and losing them is a part of life, but it doesn't make the love any less "real" while it lasted.
Why We Should Value These Early Connections
In our current culture, we're obsessed with "socialization" as a means to an end—getting kids ready for school, for work, for "society." But there’s an inherent value in children who love each other that has nothing to do with future productivity.
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It’s about the present.
The joy of a shared joke that isn't actually funny. The comfort of sitting in silence while coloring. The fierce protection of a friend on the playground. These are the things that make life worth living at age seven, and frankly, at age seventy-seven.
Recent data from the American Academy of Pediatrics suggests that social isolation among children is rising, partly due to increased screen time. When kids interact through a glass screen, they miss the micro-expressions and the physical presence that build deep bonds. We need to prioritize real-world "hangouts." We need to give them the space to be bored together. Boredom is often the soil where the deepest friendships grow.
Actionable Steps for Supporting These Bonds
If you're a parent, teacher, or caregiver, you aren't just an observer. You're the curator of their social environment. You can't force love, but you can certainly make room for it to happen.
- Prioritize Unstructured Play: Stop over-scheduling every minute. Kids need "empty" time to figure out how to relate to each other without an adult directing the "activity."
- Validate the Emotion: When they say they love a friend, believe them. Use the word "love." It’s a good word.
- Model Healthy Conflict: Don't hide every disagreement you have with your spouse or friends. Let them see you argue and then—this is the key—let them see you reconcile.
- Create "Third Spaces": Whether it's the park, the backyard, or a library corner, kids need places where they feel ownership over their social interactions.
- Watch for "The Drift": If a child suddenly pulls away from a close friend, don't pester, but stay curious. Sometimes they need help navigating a social "snag" they don't have the words for yet.
Encouraging children who love each other is about more than just "playing nice." It’s about fostering the very thing that makes us human. We are social animals. We are built for connection. By respecting and nurturing the deep bonds of childhood, we aren't just raising "socialized" kids; we're raising adults who know how to love and be loved in return.