You're sitting there, scrolling through old photos or maybe just staring at a text draft you’re too scared to send. It’s a heavy question. Can exes get back together and actually make it work this time? Honestly, the answer isn’t a simple yes or no, though plenty of "relationship gurus" on TikTok will try to tell you otherwise. It's complicated. It's messy.
People do it all the time. According to research from Kansas State University, about 50% of couples have broken up and gotten back together at least once. That’s a massive number. But here’s the kicker: just because you can do something doesn't always mean you should.
The Reality of the "On-Again, Off-Again" Cycle
Most people think of a breakup as a hard stop. A wall. In reality, for many, it’s more like a revolving door. Dr. Amber Vennum, who led several studies on "relationship cycling," found that couples who break up and reunite tend to be less satisfied than those who stay together or stay apart. They communicate worse. They have lower self-esteem. They're often more uncertain about the future.
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Why?
Because often, the reason for the first breakup didn't actually go away. It just got buried under a layer of nostalgia and loneliness. Nostalgia is a liar. It filters out the 3:00 AM arguments about the dishes and highlights that one time you laughed until you cried on a road trip.
It’s not just about love
Love is rarely the problem. You can love someone deeply and still be absolutely toxic for each other. If the breakup happened because of fundamental values—like one person wanting kids and the other wanting a nomadic lifestyle—love isn't going to fix that.
When Getting Back Together Actually Works
It isn't all doom and gloom. Some of the strongest marriages I’ve ever seen started with a breakup in the early years. But these success stories usually share three very specific traits.
- Time and Space. We aren't talking about a "cool-off week." We're talking about enough time for both people to actually change. If you get back together after two weeks, you’re just resuming the same movie at the same scene.
- Addressing the "Why." If you broke up because of infidelity, has the person who cheated gone to therapy? Have they identified why they did it? If you broke up because of distance, has someone moved?
- A New Relationship. This is the most important part. You aren't "getting back together." You are starting a new relationship with a person you happen to have history with. The old relationship died. Let it stay dead.
Think about it like this: if you buy a car that has a blown engine, you don't just wash the exterior and hope it drives. You have to pull the engine out and replace it.
The "No Contact" Rule: Is it a Gimmick?
You've probably heard of the 30-day no contact rule. It’s all over the internet. While it sounds like a manipulative game to make an ex miss you, there’s actually some psychological merit to it, though not for the reasons you think.
When you go through a breakup, your brain is essentially going through drug withdrawal. Studies using fMRI scans have shown that the brains of the heartbroken light up in the same areas as addicts craving cocaine. You aren't thinking clearly. You're "jonesing" for a hit of your ex.
Stopping all communication for 30, 60, or 90 days isn't about "winning." It’s about detoxing. It gives your prefrontal cortex—the logical part of your brain—a chance to come back online so you can decide if can exes get back together is even a question worth asking in your specific case.
Why we crave the familiar
Humans hate uncertainty. We’d often rather be in a familiar type of misery than an unfamiliar type of loneliness. This is why people go back to exes who were mean to them or ignored them. It’s "comfortable" pain.
Signs You Should Probably Keep the Door Locked
Let’s be real for a second. Some bridges deserve to be burned. If any of these were present, "trying again" is usually just a recipe for more trauma:
- Physical or emotional abuse (this is a hard no, always).
- A pattern of "gaslighting" where you felt like you were losing your mind.
- The same issues keep coming up for years with zero change.
- You only want them back because you’re bored or saw them with someone else.
That last one is huge. Jealousy is not a sign of love. It’s a sign of possessiveness. If you didn't want them when they were single and lonely, but suddenly want them now that they're dating a CrossFit instructor named Kyle, that’s your ego talking, not your heart.
Real World Examples: The Good and the Bad
Take a look at Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez. They were the poster children for "can exes get back together" for a while. They waited twenty years. They married other people, had kids, grew up, and then found their way back. It seemed like the ultimate proof that "if it's meant to be, it'll be." But even with all that growth and time, the rumors of friction and eventual separation remind us that history doesn't guarantee a future.
Then you have the average couple. I once knew a pair—let's call them Sarah and Mike—who broke up because Mike wouldn't commit. They spent two years apart. Sarah dated other people; Mike went to therapy and finally dealt with his fear of vulnerability. When they ran into each other at a mutual friend's wedding, they were different people. They didn't fall back into old patterns because the "old" Sarah and Mike didn't exist anymore. They’ve been married five years now.
The Psychological Toll of the "Maybe"
Staying in the "maybe" zone is exhausting. It prevents you from fully mourning the relationship. You're stuck in a state of "complicated grief."
When you’re constantly wondering if you’ll get back together, you aren't investing in yourself. You’re waiting. You’re hovering. It’s like keeping a tab open on your computer that’s constantly draining the battery. Close the tab. If it’s meant to be reopened later, you’ll find the link.
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What to do if they reach out
So, they texted. "Hey, I was thinking about you."
Your heart does a flip. Before you reply, ask yourself: What has changed since the last time we spoke? If the answer is "nothing," then the result of a reunion will also be nothing.
Don't reply immediately. Wait four hours. See how you feel when the initial hit of dopamine wears off. Do you actually want to talk to them, or do you just like being wanted?
Actionable Steps for Moving Forward (or Backward)
If you are seriously considering trying again, don't just "wing it." That’s how you end up in the same fight six months from now.
1. The Brutal Audit
Write down the top three reasons you broke up. Be honest. Don't blame them entirely; look at your own role. Now, write down exactly how those three things have been resolved. If you can't point to a specific change (e.g., "I finished my degree and got a job, so the financial stress is gone"), then you aren't ready.
2. The Third-Party Check
Talk to a friend who actually tells you the truth—not the friend who just says "follow your heart." Ask them, "When I was with this person, was I a better version of myself?" Listen to their answer without getting defensive.
3. The "Slow Burn" Approach
If you decide to try again, do not move back in together. Do not jump straight into "I love yous." Date them like they are a stranger. Go to dinner. Go to the movies. See if you actually like who they are now, rather than who they were in 2021.
4. Set a "Kill Switch"
Decide ahead of time what the deal-breakers are. If the old behavior (the lying, the drinking, the coldness) shows up even once, you walk. No "second" second chances.
5. Get Professional Help
If the relationship was significant, see a couples counselor from day one of the reunion. You need a referee to help you navigate the old landmines. It’s much easier to disarm a bomb before it goes off.
The bottom line is that can exes get back together is a question of growth. People can change, but most people don't. Betting on someone's potential is a high-risk gamble. Bet on their patterns instead. If their pattern is growth, go for it. If their pattern is stagnation, stay gone. You owe it to your future self to not keep dragging your past behind you like a heavy chain.
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Focus on your own evolution first. Sometimes, the best way to get an ex back is to become a person who no longer needs them. And usually, once you reach that point, you realize you don’t actually want them back anyway. You’ve outgrown the container they put you in. That’s not a loss; that’s a win.