It is the question that keeps people up at 3:00 AM, staring at the ceiling while their partner sleeps—or rages—in the next room. You want to believe in the person you first met. You remember the "good" version of them. But then you’re faced with the reality of the person who just called you a name or pushed you against a wall. Can an abuser change, or are you just pouring your soul into a cup with a hole in the bottom?
Honestly, it’s complicated.
Most experts, from the clinical psychologists at the Domestic Abuse Intervention Programs (DAIP) in Duluth to the counselors at the National Domestic Violence Hotline, will tell you that change is technically possible but statistically rare. It isn't like quitting smoking or learning to be more punctual. Domestic abuse isn't a "loss of control." It is a choice to exert power. When you realize that the behavior is about entitlement rather than "anger issues," the mountain of change looks a lot steeper.
Why the "anger management" myth is dangerous
People often think that if their partner just learned to breathe through their frustration, the hitting or the screaming would stop. That’s usually wrong. Lundy Bancroft, who spent decades working with abusive men and wrote the seminal book Why Does He Do That?, argues that most abusers actually have excellent control. They don't scream at their boss. They don't punch a police officer. They choose to lose control only with their partner because they feel entitled to do so.
Traditional anger management classes often make abusers worse. Why? Because these classes teach them that their feelings are the problem. In reality, their values are the problem. If a man believes his wife should have dinner ready at 6:00 PM and that he has a right to "punish" her if she doesn't, breathing exercises won't fix that. He still thinks he's the king of the castle.
The core of the issue is a belief system. It’s a deep-seated conviction that they are superior, that their needs come first, and that their partner is an object to be managed rather than a human to be respected. Shifting a person's entire worldview is a Herculean task. It takes years, not weeks.
The signs that real change might be happening
If you are looking for hope, you have to look for very specific, very painful behaviors from the abuser. Not flowers. Not "I'm sorry." Not "I'll never do it again." Those are easy.
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Real change starts with full accountability. This means the abuser stops saying things like, "I only did that because you pushed my buttons," or "I was stressed about work." If they are still blaming you, the weather, the economy, or their childhood for why they hurt you, they haven't changed a bit. They are still justifying their actions.
True transformation requires them to sit in the discomfort of what they’ve done without asking you for comfort. It looks like:
- Admitting to the abuse without minimizing it (no "I just tapped you" when they actually slapped you).
- Accepting the consequences, including the possibility that you might leave.
- Enrolling in a long-term certified Batterer Intervention Program (BIP), which usually lasts 26 to 52 weeks.
- Changing their behavior even when they are angry or don't get their way.
- Stopping the "gaslighting"—the practice of making you doubt your own reality.
It’s a grueling process. Most abusers drop out of programs when they realize the counselor isn't going to help them "fix" their partner, but is instead going to dismantle their ego.
The trap of the "honeymoon phase"
We have to talk about the cycle of violence. Developed by Lenore Walker, this cycle explains why it’s so hard to leave. After an explosion, there is a period of "hearts and flowers." They are the person you fell in love with again. They cry. They promise the moon.
This isn't change. This is grooming.
It’s a tactic to keep you in the relationship so the cycle can start all over again. If the "change" only happens after they’ve been caught or after you’ve threatened to leave, it’s likely performative. Real change happens when there is no immediate threat of abandonment—it happens because the abuser genuinely hates who they have become.
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What the statistics actually say
The numbers are pretty grim. Some studies suggest that even after completing high-quality intervention programs, the "success" rate—defined as no further physical violence—is around 50% to 60%. But here is the catch: "no physical violence" doesn't mean "no abuse." An abuser might stop hitting but increase the emotional manipulation, financial control, or verbal degradation.
Basically, they just switch weapons.
The University of Washington and other research institutions have found that the most reliable predictor of future violence is past violence. It sounds simple, but we often ignore it because we want to be the exception. We want our love to be the thing that finally "saves" them. But you cannot love someone into being a decent person. They have to choose it for themselves, usually at the cost of their own pride.
Can an abuser change if they had a bad childhood?
Trauma is an explanation, but it is never an excuse. Many people have horrific childhoods and grow up to be the kindest, gentlest souls you’ll ever meet. They make a conscious choice to never inflict the pain they felt on anyone else.
When an abuser uses their past to justify their present, they are manipulative. They are using your empathy as a tool against you. You end up feeling sorry for the person who is hurting you, which is exactly where they want you. It keeps you stuck. It keeps you quiet. If they truly want to heal from their childhood trauma, they should be in intensive, individual therapy in addition to an intervention program—but therapy alone often backfires because it can give them more "therapy speak" to use as a weapon.
Concrete steps for someone staying or leaving
If you are currently in a situation where you are wondering if they will change, you need a plan that doesn't depend on their progress. You cannot wait for them to be a better person to start being safe.
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1. Establish a "Safety Plan"
This is a practical list of ways to stay safe while you are in the relationship or as you are leaving. It includes having a packed bag, a safe place to go, and a code word for friends or children. The National Domestic Violence Hotline (800-799-SAFE) can help you build one.
2. Watch the "Buts"
Listen to how they talk about their behavior. "I'm sorry, but you were yelling too." That "but" cancels out the apology. If the "but" exists, the change does not.
3. Set a "Hard Date"
If you decide to wait and see if they change, do not tell them your deadline. Set a date in your head—maybe three months or six months. If the behavior hasn't fundamentally shifted by then, you have your answer. Don't move the goalposts.
4. Document everything
Keep a secret log of incidents. When the "honeymoon phase" kicks in, your brain will try to fog the bad memories. Reading your own words about what happened two weeks ago can ground you in reality.
5. Prioritize your own healing
Whether they change or not is out of your control. What you can control is your own recovery. Find a therapist who specializes in domestic or narcissistic abuse. Join a support group. Reconnect with the friends they tried to isolate you from.
The reality is that while some people do change, most do not. It is a long, painful, and rare transformation. You have to decide if you are willing to spend your one and only life waiting for a "maybe" while living in a "definitely" painful reality. You deserve a life where you don't have to wonder if the person you love is going to hurt you today. That is the baseline of a healthy relationship, not a luxury.
Trust what they do, not what they say. Behavior is a language. If they are showing you who they are, believe them the first time.