You’ve seen the "ghost towns." Those forums with three posts from 2022, the Discord servers where only a bot says hello, and the Facebook groups overrun by spam. Most advice on building an online community makes it sound like a math equation. Add 100 users, multiply by three posts a week, and carry the one for "engagement." Honestly? That’s total nonsense. It’s not a math problem. It’s a messy, human psychological experiment.
I’ve spent years watching creators and brands try to manufacture "vibrancy." It rarely works. They think if they build the platform, people will just show up and talk. They won't. People are busy. They're tired. They already have too many notifications. If you want them to spend their limited social energy with you, you have to offer something more than just a place to hang out.
What Most People Get Wrong About Community
We need to talk about the difference between an audience and a community. This is where everyone trips up. An audience is one-to-many. You talk, they listen. It’s a performance. Building an online community is many-to-many. It’s when the members start talking to each other without you even being in the room.
If you are the only heartbeat in the group, you don't have a community. You have a fan club. And fan clubs are exhausting to maintain.
Real communities are built on shared identity or shared struggle. Look at Peloton. People didn’t join for the bike; they joined because they wanted to feel like "athletes" while stuck in their living rooms. They started using hashtags like #PeloMoms. They formed sub-groups. The company didn't invent those; the people did.
The "Empty Room" Problem
Nobody wants to be the first person on the dance floor. It’s awkward. When you’re starting out, you can’t just launch a massive platform and hope for the best. You have to seed it.
You need "Founding Members." I’m talking about five to ten people who are obsessed with your niche. Reach out to them personally. Send a DM. Make it feel like an invite-only secret society. If you start with 500 strangers, you get silence. If you start with 10 people who know and trust each other, you get a culture.
Picking the Right Infrastructure (Hint: It’s Not About the Features)
Stop obsessing over whether to use Circle, Discord, Slack, or a custom-built site. Your members don’t care about your tech stack. They care about friction.
- Discord is great for real-time, chaotic energy. It’s perfect for gaming or crypto, but it’s a nightmare for organized learning.
- Circle or Mighty Networks are better for "slow" communities where you want long-form posts and a sense of calm.
- Slack is for work. Unless your community is strictly professional, don't put people back in the place where they get yelled at by their boss.
Basically, choose the tool that fits the existing habits of your audience. If they’re already on Facebook all day, a Facebook Group—despite its flaws—might actually be your best bet because you aren't fighting for a new spot on their phone's home screen.
The Psychology of Belonging
Why do people stay?
According to the McMillan-Chavis model, there are four elements of sense of community: Membership, Influence, Integration and Fulfillment of Needs, and Shared Emotional Connection.
Membership means there’s a clear boundary. You’re either in or you’re out. This sounds exclusionary, but it’s vital. If everyone is invited, the community means nothing. You need rituals. Maybe it’s a "New Member Monday" thread. Maybe it's a specific way members greet each other. These little "insider" quirks are the glue.
Influence is a big one. Members need to feel like they can shape the community. If you run it like a dictatorship, people will leave. Give them power. Let them vote on the next topic. Let them moderate. When a member sees their suggestion implemented, they stop being a "user" and start being an "owner."
The 90-9-1 Rule is Real
Don't panic when most of your members don't post. The 90-9-1 rule (or the Participation Inequality principle) suggests that:
- 90% of users are "lurkers" who consume but don't contribute.
- 9% of users contribute occasionally.
- 1% of users account for almost all the action.
Your job isn't to turn the 90% into the 1%. That's impossible. Your job is to make sure the 1% feels like superstars so they keep the engine running for the 90%.
Building an Online Community That Actually Scales
Scaling is where things get weird. As a group grows, the "intimacy" tends to drop. This is Dunbar’s Number in action—the idea that humans can only maintain stable social relationships with about 150 people.
Once you hit that 150-person mark, the vibe changes. It gets noisier. Sub-factions form. To survive this, you have to decentralize.
- Create Sub-Groups: Break the large group into smaller cohorts based on location, skill level, or specific interests.
- Empower Moderators Early: Don't wait until the house is on fire to hire firemen. Find the helpful people in your comments and give them a badge.
- Automate the Mundane: Use bots for onboarding or FAQs, but never for actual conversation. Nothing kills a community faster than "Corporate Bot" trying to act human.
The Content Trap
A lot of people think building an online community requires a relentless content treadmill. More videos! More PDFs! More newsletters!
Actually, too much content can kill engagement. If you provide everything, the members have nothing to talk about. Leave gaps. Ask open-ended questions that don't have a "right" answer. Instead of posting a 20-minute tutorial, post a "What's your biggest frustration with [Topic] today?"
The goal is to facilitate, not just broadcast.
Dealing with the "Toxic" Element
Community management is 20% curation and 80% conflict resolution. You will eventually have a "bad apple." Someone will be rude, someone will spam, or someone will just suck the energy out of the room.
You have to be ruthless.
A "soft" moderation policy leads to a "medium" community. If you allow low-level toxicity, your best members—the quiet, high-value ones—will simply leave without saying anything. They won't complain; they'll just disappear. Protect your culture at all costs. Set clear rules. Enforce them publicly enough that people see you care, but privately enough to maintain dignity.
Revenue vs. Community
Can you make money? Yes. But "monetizing" a community is like "monetizing" a friendship—it has to be handled with care.
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Some of the most successful models right now are paid memberships. Look at Packy McCormick’s Not Boring or Lenny’s Newsletter. People pay because the community is a filter. In an age of infinite noise, people will pay for a gated space where the quality of conversation is guaranteed.
If you go the ad-supported route, be careful. If the "product" becomes the users' data, the trust evaporates.
Actionable Steps for the Next 30 Days
Don't overthink this. If you want to start today, here is the blueprint.
First, define your "Who" and "Why." Not "everyone interested in fitness." That's too broad. Try "Post-partum moms who want to start powerlifting." The narrower the niche, the stronger the pull.
Second, hand-pick your first 10 members. Don't run ads. Send 50 personalized emails or DMs. Explain the vision. Ask for their help in building it. This creates immediate "buy-in."
Third, pick one platform and commit. Stop looking at other tools. If you chose Discord, stay on Discord. Moving a community is like moving a whole city; half the people will get lost in the transition.
Fourth, schedule "The Spark." You need one recurring event that people can rely on. A weekly Friday "Win" thread. A monthly Zoom call. Something that creates a rhythm. Without a pulse, the community dies.
Finally, listen more than you talk. Monitor which threads get the most "organic" replies. If people are talking about a specific problem you didn't anticipate, lean into it. The community will tell you what it wants to become if you’re quiet enough to hear it.
Building an online community is a marathon through the mud. It’s slow. It’s frustrating. But when you see two members helping each other solve a problem without you even knowing it happened? That’s when you know you’ve actually built something real.
Immediate Next Steps:
- Identify the "1%ers" in your current audience who already comment the most.
- Reach out to them this week to ask: "If I built a private space for us to solve [Problem X], would you want to be a founding member?"
- Set a "Culture Manual" with three non-negotiable rules for the group.
- Choose your "Minimal Viable Platform" and set an official launch date for your first 10 people.