Trust is one of those things we talk about like it’s a weather pattern—either it’s there or it isn’t. We say "I just don't trust him" or "She's my most trusted friend," but if you had to actually sit down and map out what trust is made of, could you? Honestly, most of us can't. We treat it like a giant, heavy block of granite. If it cracks, we think the whole thing is ruined forever.
But Dr. Brené Brown looks at it differently.
In her famous talk on Brene Brown the anatomy of trust, she basically argues that trust isn't a big, grand gesture. It’s not about someone saving your life in a burning building. It’s actually built in the tiny, microscopic moments that most of us don't even notice. She calls it the "marble jar" concept, and it’s probably the most practical way to look at human connection ever devised.
The Story of the Marble Jar
The whole idea started with her daughter, Ellen. One day, Ellen came home from school absolutely crushed. She’d shared something private with a friend, and by lunchtime, the whole class knew. She was devastated. She told her mom, "I’m never trusting anyone again."
Brené told her about the marble jar in her classroom. You know the one—where the teacher puts a marble in whenever the class does something good and takes one out when they’re rowdy? Brené told Ellen that friendships are exactly like that. You don't just hand someone a full jar of marbles. They earn them, one by one, through small acts of kindness and reliability.
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The "Marble Jar Friends" are the ones who remember your birthday, or who show up with a coffee when they know you had a rough night. It’s the small stuff. But Brené, being a researcher, wanted to know: What exactly are those marbles made of? What are the actual "anatomy" parts of trust?
Breaking Down the BRAVING Acronym
To make it easy to remember (and to give us a language to talk about it), she created the acronym BRAVING. It’s basically a checklist for your relationships. If things feel "off" with someone, you can go through these seven items and figure out exactly where the hole in the jar is.
1. Boundaries
This is the big one. Do you know what’s okay and what’s not okay? If I don’t know your boundaries, I’m going to trip over them. Trust means I respect your "no," and you respect mine. It’s super hard to trust someone who never says no, because you never know if they’re actually okay with what’s happening or if they’re just simmering with resentment.
2. Reliability
You do what you say you’re going to do. Simple, right? But it’s not just doing it once. It’s doing it over and over and over. In a work context, this means knowing your limits. If you over-promise because you want to look good, but then you fail to deliver, you’re losing marbles. It's better to be honest about what you can't do than to be flaky.
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3. Accountability
When you mess up—and you will, because you're human—do you own it? Accountability means saying, "I’m sorry, I blew it, how can I make it right?" No excuses. No blaming the traffic or the email server. Just owning it.
4. The Vault
This is where a lot of people get tripped up. The Vault means you don't share information that isn't yours to share. But here’s the kicker: if you come to me and start gossiping about someone else, I actually stop trusting you. Why? Because you’re showing me that you don’t respect "The Vault." If you’ll tell me someone else's secrets, you’ll definitely tell someone else mine. Brené calls this "common enemy intimacy." It feels like bonding, but it’s fake. It’s not real trust.
5. Integrity
Brené has a very specific definition for this. She says integrity is choosing courage over comfort. It’s choosing what is right over what is fun, fast, or easy. It’s actually practicing your values instead of just talking about them on social media.
6. Nonjudgment
Can I fall apart in front of you? Can I tell you I’m struggling or that I don't know how to do something without you thinking less of me? This has to go both ways. If you’re the person who is always "the helper" but you never ask for help yourself, you’re actually not in a fully trusting relationship. Why? Because you’re judging the act of needing help. If you can't ask for help, it’s usually because you think it’s a weakness—which means you're judging the people you help, too.
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7. Generosity
When I screw up, do you assume the best of me? If I forget to call you on your birthday, do you think, "Wow, she’s so selfish," or do you think, "She must be having a really crazy day, I should check in"? Generosity is about giving people the benefit of the doubt. It’s the most generous interpretation of someone’s intentions.
Why We Get Trust Wrong
Most of us think trust is this big, heavy thing that we "give" to people. But it's actually much more fragile and much more common than that. We also tend to look at trust as something we have with others, but Brené emphasizes that it starts with ourselves.
If your own marble jar is empty—if you don't keep promises to yourself, if you don't respect your own boundaries—you can't really trust other people. It’s like the old proverb she quotes: "Be wary of the naked man offering you a shirt."
If you aren't "BRAVING" toward yourself, you won't have the capacity to do it for anyone else.
Actionable Steps to Use This Today
If you’re feeling a rift in a friendship or a professional relationship, don't just sit there feeling "vaguely annoyed." Use the anatomy of trust to diagnose it.
- Audit your "Vault": Next time you’re tempted to share a juicy piece of gossip to feel "close" to someone, stop. Realize that you’re actually draining marbles from your own jar.
- Practice the "Generous Assumption": When someone ignores your text or snaps at you, stop and ask: "What is the most generous thing I can assume about this person's intentions right now?" It changes the whole vibe of the conversation.
- Check your Reliability: Are you saying "yes" to things you know you won't do? Stop. It’s better to have a firm boundary now than a broken promise later.
- The Help Test: If you pride yourself on being the "strong one" who never needs anything, try asking for a small favor this week. See how it feels. See if the person you ask feels more connected to you afterward. Spoiler: they probably will.
Trust isn't a mystery. It’s a practice. It’s a slow, daily process of putting marbles in a jar. Sometimes the jar gets knocked over and marbles spill out. That’s okay. As long as you have the BRAVING framework, you know exactly how to start picking them back up and putting them back in, one by one.