You know that feeling. It’s 3:00 AM, you’ve been staring at your phone for four hours, and your heart is literally thumping against your ribs because a person you met three weeks ago texted you the word "hey." It feels like the universe finally clicked into place. This is big love in the beginning, that dizzying, slightly terrifying stage where everything else—your job, your laundry, your need for eight hours of sleep—just sort of evaporates. It’s intoxicating. It’s also, if we’re being honest, a little bit like being temporarily insane.
Scientists actually have a name for this specific brand of madness: limerence.
Psychologist Dorothy Tennov coined the term back in the 70s to describe that involuntary state of intense romantic infatuation. It’s not just "liking" someone. It’s a physiological takeover. When you’re experiencing big love in the beginning, your brain is essentially a chemical factory running at 200% capacity. You are swimming in dopamine, the same stuff that hits your system when you win a bet or take a hit of a drug. It’s why you can’t eat. It’s why you’re suddenly interested in 14th-century architecture just because they mentioned it once over coffee.
But here’s the thing most people get wrong. We tend to think this intensity is a direct preview of the rest of the relationship. We assume that if the start is this explosive, the marriage or the long-term partnership will stay at this exact temperature forever. It won't. And that’s actually a good thing, because living at this level of intensity for ten years would probably give you a heart attack.
The Neurobiology of the Spark
Let’s talk about what’s actually happening under the hood. When you're in the throes of big love in the beginning, your frontal cortex—the part of the brain responsible for executive function and, crucially, judgment—basically takes a nap. Meanwhile, the reward centers are screaming. Research by Dr. Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist who has spent decades putting "in love" people into fMRI machines, shows that the ventral tegmental area (VTA) lights up like a Christmas tree. This is the primal part of the brain associated with wanting, craving, and focus.
It’s an evolutionary trick.
The goal of this phase is to bond two humans together long enough to, well, survive and potentially reproduce. If we looked at our new partners with the same critical eye we use for our coworkers or our siblings, we’d never get past the first three dates. We’d notice their weird chewing habits or their questionable taste in shoes and we’d bail. But big love in the beginning acts as a pair of rose-colored goggles. It’s a biological "hall pass" for flaws.
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Serotonin levels also take a massive dip. This is the weird part. Low serotonin is often associated with obsessive-compulsive behaviors. This explains why you find yourself refreshing their Instagram feed for the twentieth time in an hour. You aren't "crazy"; you’re just chemically predisposed to obsession during the honeymoon phase. It’s a feature, not a bug.
Is It Love or Just New Relationship Energy (NRE)?
There is a massive distinction between the two, though they look identical from the outside. New Relationship Energy is the fuel. Love is the engine.
Think of NRE as the starter fluid you spray on a charcoal grill. It creates a huge, impressive flame that catches everyone’s attention. But if you don't have actual charcoal—shared values, communication skills, emotional maturity—the flame dies out the second the fluid evaporates. Big love in the beginning is often just high-octane NRE.
Real love, the kind that lasts through mortgage payments and stomach flus, usually starts to grow right as the NRE starts to fade. This is the "danger zone" for most couples. Around the six-month to eighteen-month mark, the dopamine levels start to stabilize. You suddenly realize that your partner is a person who leaves wet towels on the bed and has a really annoying habit of interrupting your stories.
A lot of people panic here. They think the love is gone. In reality, the chemicals are just moving out of the way so you can actually see the person you’re with.
Why the "Beginning" Feel Matters (and Why It Doesn't)
Some people are addicted to the start. They are "romance junkies" who hop from one relationship to the next the moment the initial fire starts to flicker. They want that big love in the beginning over and over again. But there’s a cost to that. You never get to the "deep intimacy" phase, which is arguably much more rewarding, even if it’s less of a rush.
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However, having a strong "beginning" does serve a purpose. It creates a reservoir of positive memories. When things get hard later on—and they will—you can look back at those early, sleepless weeks and remember why you chose this person. It’s like a relational savings account. You’re depositing all that goodwill and passion now so you can draw on it during the lean times.
Red Flags Disguised as "Big Love"
We have to be careful here. Because big love in the beginning feels so intense, it can easily mask some pretty dark stuff. Love bombing, for example, looks a lot like a passionate start.
How do you tell the difference?
- Pace: Healthy big love still respects boundaries. Love bombing feels like a pressure cooker. If they’re talking about marriage in week two, that’s not "meant to be," that’s a red flag.
- Isolation: Does this new love make your world bigger or smaller? Real love encourages you to see your friends and pursue your hobbies. Toxic intensity tries to cut you off from everyone else so they are your only source of dopamine.
- The "Pedestal" Effect: If they think you are perfect and "unlike anyone they've ever met," be careful. When you eventually prove you're human (which you will), their disappointment will be just as extreme as their initial adoration.
Making the Transition to Reality
So, how do you handle the shift when the "big" starts to feel a bit more... normal?
First, stop mourning the loss of the butterflies. Butterflies are just a symptom of anxiety and novelty. Trade them for the "warm glow" of security. It’s a different sensation, but it’s more sustainable. Honestly, trying to maintain the intensity of the first month for five years is a recipe for burnout.
You’ve got to start building "rituals of connection." This is a term used by the Gottman Institute, the gold standard in relationship research. It means finding small, consistent ways to show up for each other that don't rely on a chemical rush. Maybe it’s a specific way you say goodbye in the morning or a dedicated "no phones" dinner on Tuesday nights.
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Actionable Steps for the "Beginning" Phase
If you are currently in the middle of big love in the beginning, enjoy it. Seriously. It’s one of the best feelings being human has to offer. But keep your feet somewhere near the ground with these steps:
Maintain your "Non-Negotiables"
Do not cancel your gym sessions or your weekly trivia night every single time they ask to hang out. Keeping your own life intact prevents you from losing your identity in the other person, which actually makes you more attractive to them in the long run.
Watch for the "Shadow Side"
Pay attention to how they treat people they don't have to impress. The waiter, the Uber driver, their mom. The way they treat the world when they aren't on a "first date behavior" high is the person they will eventually be with you.
Talk about the Boring Stuff
It feels like a mood killer, but occasionally check in on the logistical things. Finances, career goals, where you want to live. You don't need to do this on day one, but if you’re three months in and it’s all "big love" and zero "real life," you’re building a house on sand.
Check Your Narrative
Stop telling yourself this is a "fairytale." Fairytales are short and usually end right when things get interesting. Tell yourself this is a great start to a complex, evolving story. It gives you room to grow and, more importantly, room to be imperfect.
Big love in the beginning is a gift, a spark that starts the fire. But remember that a spark is just a tiny piece of burning matter. To keep the house warm for the next fifty years, you’re going to need to start gathering some heavy logs. Enjoy the glow while it’s bright, but don't be afraid when the flames settle down into a steady, reliable heat. That's where the real magic happens anyway.