It starts with a screenshot. Maybe a guy’s Hinge profile or a grainy photo from a bar. Within minutes, a hundred women are weighing in on his character, his past, and his hygiene. This isn't just gossip; it's a massive, decentralized surveillance network. If you’ve spent any time on social media lately, you’ve likely seen the phrase Are We Dating the Same Girl pop up in your feed or heard it whispered in group chats.
These Facebook groups have exploded in popularity. They are private, gender-segregated spaces where members post photos of men to "vet" them before a date. It’s wild. The growth is fueled by a genuine fear of "ghosting," "love bombing," or worse—actual predators. But it has also turned into a legal and ethical minefield that’s changing how we navigate romance in the digital age.
The Wild West of Modern Vetting
Dating is hard. Honestly, it’s exhausting. We are currently living through a period where traditional "word of mouth" has been replaced by "global digital receipts." Back in the day, if a guy was a jerk, maybe your cousin knew him and warned you. Now, that warning comes from a stranger three towns over who has a screenshot of his dry texts from 2022.
The core premise of Are We Dating the Same Girl groups is safety. Many women argue these groups provide a necessary "background check" that dating apps like Tinder or Bumble fail to provide. They share stories of domestic violence, infidelity, or just general "red flag" behavior. It’s a community-led effort to protect one another from the darker side of the dating pool.
However, the reality is often messier. Sometimes the "tea" is just about a guy who didn't call back. Sometimes it’s a deeply personal revenge post. The sheer volume of these groups is staggering. There are versions for almost every major city—New York, London, Chicago, Los Angeles—and the membership numbers often reach into the hundreds of thousands.
The Legal Chaos Nobody Expected
You can't just post someone's face and call them a "creep" without consequences. At least, not anymore. We are seeing a massive spike in "Are We Dating the Same Girl" lawsuits. One of the most high-profile cases involved a Chicago man, Nikko D’Ambrosio, who sued several women and Facebook itself for $75 million, alleging defamation and invasion of privacy after he was posted in a local group.
Lawyers are salivating over this. The legal distinction between "opinion" and "fact" is the pivot point here. Saying "He was a boring date" is a protected opinion. Saying "He stole $500 from my purse" is a factual claim. If that claim is false, it’s defamation. Because these groups are "private," many users feel a false sense of security. They think their comments won't get out.
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They do.
Screenshots are the currency of these groups, and they leak constantly. Men have started creating their own counter-groups, often called "Are We Dating the Same Guy," but these frequently devolve into the same patterns of toxicity they claim to despise. It’s a cycle of digital retaliation that doesn't seem to have an off-ramp.
Why These Groups Actually Exist
Let’s be real: people don't join these groups just because they're bored. They join because the current dating landscape feels unsafe and deceptive. When you use an app, you are meeting a complete stranger. You have zero context. Are We Dating the Same Girl groups attempt to provide that context.
Psychologists often point to "negativity bias" when discussing these forums. We are hardwired to pay more attention to bad news than good news. If 99 women say a guy is great, but one woman says he’s a "narcissist," most people will fixate on that one negative comment. This creates a skewed reality where everyone on a dating app looks like a potential villain.
There is also the "crowd psychology" element. When you’re in a group of 50,000 people who are all sharing bad experiences, it feels like a movement. It feels like you’re part of a sisterhood protecting the vulnerable. That’s a powerful drug. It creates a sense of belonging in an increasingly lonely world.
The Problem With "Red Flag" Culture
The term "red flag" has been absolutely beat to death. It used to mean something serious—like a history of violence or extreme manipulation. Now, in the world of Are We Dating the Same Girl, a red flag might be "he wore flip-flops to a steakhouse" or "he likes anime too much."
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When everything is a red flag, nothing is.
This dilution of serious warnings makes it harder to spot the actual predators. If a group is filled with 400 posts about guys who are just "bad at texting," the one post about a guy who is genuinely dangerous gets buried in the noise. It’s a classic case of the boy who cried wolf, but on a massive, algorithmic scale.
- Privacy is an illusion. Assume everything you write in a "private" group will eventually be seen by the person you are talking about.
- The Law of Large Numbers. In a group of 100,000 people, there will always be someone who is willing to screenshot your post and send it to the guy.
- Bias is baked in. People rarely go to these groups to post about how wonderful and kind their boyfriend is. You are seeing a curated gallery of the worst moments in people's lives.
What This Means for the Future of Dating
We are moving toward a "Social Credit Score" for dating. It’s unavoidable. Whether it’s through Facebook groups or new apps specifically designed for vetting, the days of anonymous dating are ending. People want accountability. They want to know that if they act like a jerk, there will be a digital record of it.
But at what cost? We have to ask ourselves if we really want a world where every awkward first date or misunderstood text message is archived forever in a searchable database. Human beings are messy. We grow. We make mistakes. The internet, however, never forgets and rarely forgives.
The platforms themselves are in a tough spot. Facebook (Meta) generally tries to stay out of it, citing Section 230 of the Communications Decency Act, which protects platforms from being held liable for what users post. But as the lawsuits pile up, the pressure to moderate these spaces more strictly is growing.
Actionable Steps for Navigating These Groups
If you’re going to participate in or browse Are We Dating the Same Girl communities, you need a strategy. Don't just dive in headfirst.
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Verify before you vilify. If you see a post about someone you’re interested in, take it with a grain of salt. Ask yourself: Is this a documented fact (like a police report or a court record) or is it a subjective grievance? People lie. People exaggerate. Hurt people, well, they sometimes want to hurt people back.
Keep your own hands clean. If you feel the need to warn others about a truly dangerous individual, stick to the facts. Avoid name-calling or "diagnosing" people with personality disorders like "narcissist" or "sociopath" unless you’re a licensed professional. This protects you from potential defamation claims.
Think about the "Leaked" scenario. Before you hit "post," imagine that your boss, your mother, and the person you’re writing about are all reading it. If that thought makes you nauseous, don't post it. There are better ways to process a bad date than putting someone on a digital blast list.
Check your local laws. In some jurisdictions, "doxxing" (publishing private information about someone) or sharing "revenge porn" carries heavy criminal penalties. Even if you think you’re doing a public service, you could end up with a record of your own.
Limit your screen time. Constantly reading about bad men and terrible dating experiences will warp your perspective. It’s "doom-scrolling" for your love life. Take breaks. Remember that there are millions of people out there having perfectly normal, respectful, and boring dates that never make it onto a Facebook group.
The existence of Are We Dating the Same Girl is a symptom of a broken dating culture. It’s a high-tech solution to a low-tech problem: trust. Until dating apps find a way to verify the "character" of their users, these groups aren't going anywhere. They will continue to be a messy, controversial, and fascinating look into how we try to protect ourselves in a world where everyone is a stranger.
The best way to handle this new reality is with a mix of extreme caution and a healthy dose of skepticism. Don't let the digital noise drown out your own intuition. Sometimes, the best vetting isn't found in a Facebook comment section—it’s found in the way a person actually treats you when the cameras (and the screenshots) aren't rolling.
Stay smart. Keep your screenshots close, but your dignity closer.