Let's be real. If you’re looking into anal for first time, you’ve probably heard a mix of terrifying horror stories and over-the-top praise. It’s one of those topics that feels like a huge deal because, biologically, it’s a bit counterintuitive. Your body has a "one-way street" sign posted there for a reason. But here’s the thing: with the right approach, it doesn't have to be a disaster. Honestly, most people fail because they treat it like an extension of vaginal sex, and that is a massive mistake.
The anatomy is different. The physics are different. Even the mental prep is a whole other beast.
If you go in expecting it to feel like what you see in movies, you're going to have a bad time. Porn stars are professionals who spend hours prepping, often using numbing agents (which you should actually avoid) and specific techniques to make things look effortless. For the rest of us, it’s a process of trial, error, and a lot of communication. You've gotta understand that the internal sphincter—the muscle you don’t consciously control—is the real gatekeeper here. If that muscle isn't on board, nobody’s getting in.
Why Relaxing Is Literally Science
The anus is surrounded by two main muscle groups: the internal and external sphincters. You can control the external one. You can’t really "will" the internal one to move. It reacts to pressure and sensation. If you’re nervous, it tightens. If it tightens, it hurts. If it hurts, you tighten more. It’s a vicious cycle that ends in a very uncomfortable night.
According to sex educators like Dr. Emily Nagoski, author of Come As You Are, the "brakes" in our sexual nervous system are often triggered by fear or lack of safety. To have a positive experience with anal for first time, you have to shut those brakes off. This isn't just about "chilling out." It’s about creating an environment where your nervous system feels zero threat.
Wait.
I should mention that most "first timers" try to rush the process. They think five minutes of foreplay is enough. It’s not. You need at least 20 to 30 minutes of general arousal before even thinking about going near that area. When you're aroused, your body releases endorphins and blood flow increases to the pelvic floor, which naturally helps the tissues become more pliable.
The Lubrication Non-Negotiable
You cannot use too much lube. Period. Unlike the vagina, the rectum does not produce its own natural lubrication. If you try to go "dry" or even "mostly dry," you’re looking at micro-tears in the delicate mucosal lining.
Silicone-based lubricants are generally the gold standard for this. Why? Because they don't soak into the skin or evaporate like water-based ones do. Brands like Uberlube or Pipedream’s Fetch are often cited by experts because they stay slick for a long time. However—and this is a big however—if you are using silicone toys, you must use water-based lube. Silicone lube will literally melt silicone toys. It’s a chemical reaction that ruins your gear. If you're using condoms, stick to water-based or specific "condom-safe" silicone options.
Communication Isn't Just "Talk"
It’s about a "stoplight" system.
- Green: Everything feels great, keep going.
- Yellow: Slow down, I'm feeling some pressure, or I need more lube.
- Red: Stop immediately. No questions asked.
If your partner doesn't respect the "Red," the session is over. Trust is the only thing that makes the internal sphincter relax. If you're the one receiving, you need to feel like you have 100% control over the pace.
The Step-by-Step Reality Check
Most people think it’s just insertion. It’s not. It’s a progression.
First, start with external touch. Use a finger or a small toy to just massage the outside. This helps the brain register that "touch in this area is okay and safe." Don't just poke at it. Use circular motions. Spend way more time here than you think you need to.
Next, use a single finger. Just the tip. The person receiving should be the one to "push back" against the finger, almost like they are trying to have a bowel movement. This sounds gross, but it’s actually the physiological way to relax the sphincter. When you "push," the muscles open up. That's the moment for entry.
Go slow.
Slower.
No, even slower than that.
Common Myths That Ruin the Mood
A big one is the "numbing cream" myth. You’ll see "anal ease" creams in shops that contain lidocaine or benzocaine. Avoid these. Pain is your body’s way of saying something is wrong or you’re moving too fast. If you numb the area, you might cause a tear or injury without realizing it until the cream wears off. That’s how you end up in a doctor’s office. You want to feel everything so you can adjust.
Another myth? That it has to be "clean" enough to eat off of. Look, it’s an anus. There might be some mess. That’s what towels are for. You can use an enema if it makes you feel more confident, but don’t overdo it. Over-cleansing can irritate the lining and strip away the natural protective mucus. A simple shower and a quick external wash are usually plenty.
Positions That Actually Work
Missionary is actually one of the hardest positions for anal for first time because the angles are often awkward and it’s hard for the receiver to control the depth.
✨ Don't miss: Perioral Dermatitis Treatments: What Most People Get Wrong
- Doggy Style: This is popular because it allows for easy access, but it can be intense. If you do this, the receiver should drop down onto their elbows to change the pelvic tilt.
- Lying on the Stomach: Put a pillow under the hips. This flattens the canal and makes entry easier.
- The Spoon: Side-lying is great because it’s intimate and allows both people to relax their muscles completely. There’s no strain on the legs or back.
- Cowgirl/Cowboy: This is the best for beginners. The person receiving is on top and has total control over the speed, angle, and depth. If it hurts, they just lift up. Simple.
The "Aftercare" Nobody Mentions
Once you're done, you might feel a bit... weird. A slight "full" feeling is normal for an hour or so. You might even feel like you need to go to the bathroom. That’s just the nerves being overstimulated.
Drink water. If there’s any minor soreness, a warm bath (Epsom salts are a plus) can help the muscles settle back down. If there is significant bleeding or sharp, stabbing pain that lasts more than a few minutes, see a professional. A tiny bit of spotting on a tissue isn't usually a crisis, but your health comes first.
Practical Next Steps for Success
- Buy the right lube today. Don't rely on whatever you have in the nightstand. Get a high-quality silicone lube or a thick water-based one designed for this.
- Practice solo. If you're nervous about doing this with a partner, try using a small, graduated toy or a finger while you're in the shower. Learning how your own body responds is the best way to explain it to someone else.
- Set the stage. Don't try this when you’re in a rush or after a heavy five-course meal. Give yourself a window of time where there are no distractions.
- Check your mindset. If you’re doing this just because you feel pressured, don't. It will hurt because your brain won't let your body relax. Only do it if you are genuinely curious and feel safe.
- Breathwork. During entry, take deep belly breaths. Shallow chest breathing signals "fight or flight" to the brain, which tightens the pelvic floor. Deep exhales help the muscles release.
Ultimately, it’s about patience. If it doesn't happen the first night you try, who cares? Try again next week. The goal is pleasure and connection, not just checking a box on a "to-do" list. Move at the speed of the most hesitant person in the room. That's the real secret to making it work.