It starts with a heavy, sinking feeling in your chest after a fight. You’re sitting on the edge of the bed, replaying the last twenty minutes, and for the first time, you aren't just mad at them. You’re actually kind of scared of yourself. You remember the way their face fell when you said that "one thing" you knew would hurt. You remember how you kept pushing even after they asked for space. Now you’re staring at your phone, searching for an answer to a question most people are too terrified to even think: am i the emotional abuser?
Asking this isn't easy. In fact, it’s gut-wrenching. Most people who are truly, pathologically abusive don’t spend their Tuesday nights wondering if they’re the problem; they’re too busy convincing everyone else that they are the victim. But human relationships are messy. Patterns of behavior can sneak up on us. Sometimes, we pick up toxic survival traits from our own childhoods or past traumas and start wielding them like weapons without even realizing the safety is off.
Understanding the spectrum of harm
Let’s be real for a second. There’s a massive difference between having a "toxic moment" and being an emotional abuser. We’ve all been petty. We’ve all said something we regret in the heat of an argument. But emotional abuse isn't a one-off mistake. It’s a pattern of power and control. Dr. Lundy Bancroft, who wrote the seminal book Why Does He Do That?, emphasizes that abuse is often about a sense of entitlement. It’s the belief that your needs, your anger, and your perspective matter more than your partner’s basic right to safety and respect.
If you find yourself thinking, "I only yelled because they pushed me," you’re leaning into a classic justification. It's called "DARVO"—Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender. While Jennifer Freyd, the researcher who coined the term, originally applied it to institutional betrayal, it’s incredibly common in interpersonal dynamics. If every time you hurt someone, you end up making them apologize to you for how they reacted to being hurt, you're in dangerous territory.
Common red flags in your own behavior
Sometimes you don't realize you're doing it until you see it written down. It's not always about screaming. Sometimes it’s the quiet stuff. The stuff that feels like "just communication" but is actually meant to break the other person down.
The Silent Treatment as Punishment
There is a big difference between saying, "I'm too angry to talk right now, I need thirty minutes," and just vanishing. Using silence to make your partner squirm, panic, or beg for your attention is a form of emotional withdrawal used for control. It’s a way of saying, "Your peace of mind is a privilege I can revoke."
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Moving the Goalposts
Do you find that once your partner "fixes" the thing you were complaining about, you immediately find something else to be mad at? If they can never quite win, they’re always on the defensive. That’s exhausting. It keeps them in a state of perpetual anxiety, which, intentionally or not, makes them easier to manage.
Gaslighting (Even the Accidental Kind)
"I never said that." "You’re overreacting." "You’re too sensitive." If these are your go-to phrases, you’re essentially telling your partner that their reality is wrong. Over time, this erodes a person’s confidence in their own mind. It’s incredibly damaging. Even if you truly don't remember saying something, dismissing their experience out of hand is a way to shut down their feelings.
The role of "Reactive Abuse" vs. Primary Aggression
This is where it gets complicated. Really complicated. Sometimes, a person who is being abused will eventually snap. They might scream, use insults, or act out in ways that look "abusive." This is often called reactive abuse. If you are asking am i the emotional abuser, you have to look at the context of the whole relationship.
Who holds the power? Who is afraid of whom? If you’re acting out because you feel backed into a corner and are trying to regain some sense of dignity, that’s different from someone who uses those same tactics to dominate a partner who is trying to be peaceful. However, even reactive behaviors are harmful. They keep the cycle of toxicity spinning. Regardless of who started it, if you don't like who you've become in this relationship, something has to change.
Why we do it: The roots of control
Nobody wakes up and decides to be a villain. Most people who exhibit abusive behaviors are operating out of a deep-seated fear of abandonment or a lack of emotional regulation skills. Maybe you grew up in a house where the person who yelled the loudest got their way. Or maybe you were neglected and learned that the only way to get your needs met was to manipulate the situation until someone paid attention.
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Dr. Brené Brown talks a lot about shame. Shame is a powerful driver of toxic behavior. When we feel "less than," we often try to "power over" someone else to compensate. It’s a cheap, nasty way to feel strong for five minutes while destroying a bridge that took years to build. If you can’t handle the feeling of being wrong, you will likely resort to abusive tactics to avoid that discomfort.
Facing the impact on your partner
Take a look at the person you claim to love. Are they the same person they were a year ago? Or have they become a shell? Do they check their tone before they speak to you? Do they look like they’re walking on eggshells?
This is the hardest part of the mirror. Seeing the fear or the "faded" quality in someone you care about. If your presence in their life is making them smaller, more anxious, or more isolated from their friends and family, then the label doesn't matter as much as the impact does. You are causing harm.
How to actually stop the cycle
If you’ve realized that you are indeed leaning into abusive patterns, the worst thing you can do is wallow in self-pity. Self-pity is just another way to keep the focus on you instead of the person you’ve hurt. True change requires a level of accountability that most people find incredibly painful.
Get Professional Help (Not Couples Counseling)
If abuse is present, couples counseling can actually be dangerous. It often gives the abuser more "ammunition" or leads to the victim being blamed for "provoking" the behavior. You need individual therapy with someone who specializes in domestic violence or emotional regulation. You need to do the work on your own.💡 You might also like: My eye keeps twitching for days: When to ignore it and when to actually worry
Practice the "Pause"
The moment you feel that heat rising in your chest—the urge to say something cutting—you have to leave the room. Not as a punishment, but as a safety measure. Say, "I’m becoming unkind, I need to go for a walk." Then actually do it.Radical Honesty
Stop making excuses. Don't say "I did X because you did Y." Just say, "I did X, and it was wrong. Period." Taking the "because" out of your vocabulary during an apology is a game-changer. It forces you to own your actions without shifting the blame.Identify Your Triggers
Does feeling ignored make you want to lash out? Does feeling "stupid" make you want to belittle your partner’s intelligence? Figure out what feelings you’re trying to avoid by being abusive. Once you know the trigger, you can find a healthier way to soothe that underlying wound.
This is a fork in the road
The fact that you are here, reading this, means there is a spark of self-awareness left. Use it. Many people spend their whole lives blaming their partners for their own outbursts. They die lonely, bitter, and convinced they were the wronged party. You don't have to be that person.
It’s going to be incredibly uncomfortable. You’re going to have to sit with the reality that you’ve hurt someone deeply. You might even lose the relationship. Sometimes, the most loving thing an abuser can do is leave the person they’ve been hurting so that person can heal, and the abuser can focus on fixing their own soul without the distraction of a dynamic they’ve already poisoned.
Actionable Next Steps
- Audit your language: For the next 48 hours, pay attention to how often you use the word "you" in a fight versus "I." If you spend the whole time telling them what they did wrong, you're not communicating; you're prosecuting.
- Check your physical presence: Do you stand over your partner? Do you block doorways? Do you use your size or volume to win? Consciously choose to sit down or keep your voice at a conversational level even when you're steaming.
- Read "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft: Even if you aren't a man, or your relationship doesn't fit the traditional mold, the breakdown of abusive mindsets in this book is the "gold standard" for understanding the mechanics of control.
- Find a specialized therapist: Look for someone who mentions "Accountability" or "Battering Intervention" in their profile. Avoid therapists who only focus on "anger management," as abuse is often about control, not just a quick temper.
- Journal the "unfiltered" thoughts: Write down what you wanted to say or do during a fight. Looking at those words in the cold light of day can help you see the pattern of entitlement more clearly than you can in the moment.
Changing these habits isn't just about "being nicer." It's about a fundamental shift in how you view other people. It's moving from seeing your partner as an extension of your own needs to seeing them as a completely separate human being with their own internal world that you have no right to colonize. It is the hardest work you will ever do, but it’s the only way to ever have a relationship that is built on actual love instead of fear.